Everyday Foibles: Creeping Dementia

Dear George, I keep a file on my computer called “Everyday Foibles”, and I try to add at least one item a week that describes some funny or quirky happening I’ve experienced. My most frequent categories seem to be: medical, marriage, technology confusion, hearing problems, being cheap, and senior moments. Here are a few of the latter. I used to worry about losing my mind, but then it dawned on me that I’ve had a tenuous connection to reality most of my life. Love, Dave FADING MEMORIES I went out to lunch at the burger joint the other day with my retired colleagues, Bill and Norris. Norris said we were like the ROMEO’s, and he recounted being out with a group of retirees when a woman came up and gave them that name: “Retired Old Men Eating Out.” We all chuckled. Then Norris went to the men’s room, and Bill and I started talking about working out. Bill said that every night he does exercises with 3-lb. weights while watching Vanna White on TV. Both of us got stuck trying to remember the name of the show. “It’s not Jeopardy…It’s…It’s…It’s…” But we couldn’t get it. Norris came back, and we told him we couldn’t remember the name of Vanna’s and Pat Sajack’s show. Norris scoffed and shook his head as if we’d totally lost it. “It’s The Price is Right,” he blurted out. The moment he said it, he knew he was wrong. Norris corrected himself – “The Wheel ofFortune” – but he was too late to redeem himself. Everybody laughed some more. TYLENOL MEMORY TEST Katja asked me to pick up some Tylenol at CVS, and, as I scanned the various options at the store, it occurred to me that it wasn’t that long since Tylenol had been completely banned from the market. I could still visualize the empty shelf space. Now, it finally seems, they’ve finally come back full force. Back home I told Katja that they now have a full stock of Tylenol, though it’s probably taken 5 or 6 years to recover. Katja scoffed and said they banned Tylenol back in the 1980’s and it’s been available for many years. Finding that ridiculous, I googled “Tylenol history”. It turns out that the product had been pulled from the shelves in 1982, nearly 40 years ago. I can still see the empty shelf space as if it were yesterday. I wonder if my entire memory is in a state of collapse. MY VALUABLES When I came into the bedroom Katja was frantic. Drawers opened, boxes all over the floor. She explained that some of her jewelry wasmissing. I pointed out that our cleaning lady crew has had had several different helpers recently, but Katja didn’t think that was the problem. Then I suggested that she might get a lock box and keep her valuable jewelry in it. Again, she was unimpressed. “I keep could my valuables locked up too,” I added. Katja said I don’t have any valuables. “Yes I do,” I countered. In my mind, I started thinking about my valuables. Maybe my cuff links. My big toe nail clipper. Then it came to me, and I blurted it out: “My Swiss Army Knife!” END-STAGE DIZZINESS For the past few weeks I’ve been feeling dizzy every now and then. A friend asked if my blood pressure was low, so I’ve been keeping aneye on it. The doctor had increased my BP medication a while back,and lately it’s lower than it’s ever been. So maybe the medicationwas taking hold (too well). I looked it up on the Internet and sideeffects of BP medication was a plausible explanation for dizziness. The other ones that caught my eye much more, though, were (1) brain tumors and (2) bleeding inside the brain. Those causes seemed more likely. When I brush my teeth these days, I watch in the mirror for blood to come out of my ears. If no blood comes out by tomorrow, then I’ve probably got a brain tumor. These are just the horrible facts of life, and I’m trying to accept my terminal fate gracefully. I’M NOT LOSING MY MIND (DO YOU THINK?) The other day on my way to the fitness center I stopped at the Family Dollar store to buy some pooper-scooper bags. On my way home I realized I didn’t have my sunglasses. I stopped back at the Family Dollar store, but they didn’t have them. The next day I checked at the reception desk at the fitness center, and, happily, my glasses were sitting there waiting for me. Then today I left the fitness center, but, when I got in my car, I realized that I was missing my sunglasses again. I went back to the desk, but the woman working there hadn’t seen them. Then she looked at me again and pointed at my baseball cap on my head. I reached up, and there were my sunglasses where I’d stuck them for safekeeping. I blushed deeply and said, “Oh please don’t tell anybody,” and the woman smiled and promised she wouldn’t. TOO MUCH SMILING (OR MAYBE TOO LITTLE) The other day I woke up with some facial pain on both my right and left cheekbones. I didn’t remember ever experiencing that before, and it was puzzling. Each time I smiled, I could feel the muscles moving in the very spots that were irritated. I decided my symptoms must be a result of smiling too much. Later that day I told a friend about my symptoms, and she said that it was probably due to not enough smiling. That was an interesting alternative. I liked my interpretation better, though I couldn’t recall smiling enough to injure myself. The next day the pain had moved up to my forehead. I told Katja about it, and she said it was probably sinuses. I said I didn’t have any sinuses in my forehead, but she said I did. But today the pain has gone away, so it doesn’t matter any more. However, I plan to not smile for two or three weeks to avoid a recurrence.