Dear George,
I’ve been happier ever since the Supreme Court explained to us
that corporations are people. I used to think of corporations as huge
monoliths that were only concerned with maximizing profits and didn’t care a
whit about people (except their stockholders). Now, thanks to the Supreme
Court, I realize that corporations can have the same feelings, desires, and
mood states as the rest of us. This is important because, if you think
about it, practically everything in our lives involves interacting with
corporations and their representatives, e.g., buying gas, going to the movies,
eating lunch, working out at the fitness center, even camping at the state
park.
Many keys on my ignition switch
One good example of corporations being people is the giant
auto-maker that manufactured our SUV.
They are in the news practically every day because of people dying from
their faulty ignition switches. As far as I can tell, this mostly affects
small cars, so I don’t know if our SUV is a deathtrap or not. I was interested when I saw a full-page
ad from the company in the Sunday
New York Times last week. They seemed to be practically in tears about
their ignition problems and wanted to do whatever they could to help. In
particular, they advised drivers to keep just one single key on their keyring
to minimize strain on the ignition switch. They gave a website and an 800 phone number to call if
owners had any questions. I called the 800 number immediately to
ask about our SUV. I was put on
hold for a few minutes, but then a woman with a pleasant voice answered. Before I even said anything, she said I
should consult their website or call the service department of my local dealer
if I had any questions. I said I just had a quick question about ignition
switches. I explained that I owned one of their SUVs and that their New
York Times ad recommended that drivers use just one key on their keyring.
I said I have four keys on my key ring plus two keychain fobs so it’s pretty
heavy. I wondered if I should
switch to just one key on my keyring. The woman paused, then said she
wouldn’t know anything about that.
She said I should call my dealer. Thinking she hadn’t fully grasped
my question, I said that their newpaper ad recommended using a single key for
their small cars, and I wondered if that applied to their big cars too.
She asked if there had been a recall for my SUV. I said I didn’t think so. She said she only knew about
recalls and, if I wanted more information, I should call my dealer. She
sounded sort of irritated at my persistence. I thanked her for her
help. My private opinion was that if the auto company truly cares about
their customers they might want to hire a more knowledgeable representative to
answer a phone number that they list in a full-page ad in the New York Times.
Protecting the animal hospital
lawn
One corporation that has been very compassionate to us over the
years has been our local animal hospital. Recently they were taken over
by a large national chain. Since corporations are people, I would think
that the larger the corporation, the more humanely they will behave, but that
isn’t necessarily the case. I began wondering about this when one of
their technicians recommended to us an exhaustive battery of tests that would
check for every known malady that could possibly inflict older dogs. The
full set of tests would cost $1800 for Mike and Duffy. Katja was tempted,
but, since our dogs have no symptoms other than arthritis, I talked her out of
it. Privately I thought to myself
that our revamped corporate friend might actually be trying to gouge us.
I got even more dismayed on our next visit when there were identical signs at
opposite ends of the animal hospital lawn that read, “People and Animals Please
Keep Off Grass.” I understand asking people to keep off the grass, but
where exactly are dogs supposed to go if not on the grass? These are the
sort of signs that people who hate dogs put in their yards. Is that how our corporate animal
hospital feels?
Confusing objects on our sink
Another problem with corporations is that they put out zillions
of similar products, and it’s easy to get confused. Lately I’ve been
using cortizone to relieve an itchy skin problem. Last Thursday night I went to
brush my teeth and picked up the cortizone tube by mistake. I would say
it looks virtually identical to a toothpaste tube which the cortizone people
ought to know better not to do. In any case, I could tell as soon as I
put the toothbrush in my mouth that something wasn’t right. I looked at
the tube. It said “Cortizone” rather than “Crest”. Yuck – I spit it right
out in the sink and rinsed my mouth two or three times. Then I wondered
if the strange sensations in my throat meant that the cortizone was slithering
down into my lungs. I read the fine print on the tube. It said in
bold print, “For external use only.” Then it added, “If swallowed, contact a Poison Control
Center right away.” My heart started pounding. I didn’t want to call the Poison Control Center and have to
tell some live stranger that I’d brushed my teeth with cortizone. Instead
I went to Google and searched “swallowed cortizone.” The first response I
got was a posting from a mother whose 18-month-old baby had swallowed half of a
two-ounce tube of cortizone. Fortunately for me, she had immediately
called her local Poison Control Center. The Poison Control Center told
her that if the baby had only swallowed half a tube of cortizone, there was
nothing to worry about. He might have some excess gas or even vomit, but
just one ounce of cortizone wouldn’t hurt him. I knew I hadn’t put even
close to an ounce on my toothbrush, so I felt much better. I took the
cortizone tube off the sink and put it on the windowsill so I wouldn’t make the
same mistake again. I said to Katja that this problem of brushing your
teeth with cortizone must happen to hundreds of people every day. She
shook her head and said, “I don’t think so.”
I still believe what the Supreme Court told us about
corporations being people, but I’m less excited about the idea. I was being naïve about it.
People aren’t always that great.
They can be rude or indifferent; they make mistakes all the time; they
can take advantage of us, etc. Corporations are just like everybody
else. Some corporations can be faithful friends or even
sweethearts. Other corporations can be bullies or be really selfish or
stupid, etc. You just have to be careful and pick and choose. Maybe the Supreme Court will look into
this matter further.
Love,
Dave
G-mail Comments
-Phyllis S-S
(8-4) Brilliant, Dave.
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