Dear George,
My father came down with dementia in his eighties, and he eventually moved to Cincinnati to live in an Alzheimer’s facility. I visited him regularly during his two years there, and, while his decline was distressing, we also had a mutually rewarding relationship. One day Vic said to me, “I used to be the father, but now you’re the father to me.” On another occasion, he stretched his arms out and said “I used to be this big, but now (holding two fingers together) I’m only this big.” The most evident change from my childhood years was in expression of affection. At the Alzheimer’s center my dad was always excited to see me, and we had a lot of physical contact. Hugging, holding while sitting side by side, occasionally a kiss on the cheek or forehead. This was dramatically different from my recollections of childhood. While my memory is limited, I don’t remember being regularly hugged by my parents or told “I love you.” This is perhaps not surprising since the most popular child-rearing manual of the 1940’s and early 50’s by behavioral psychologist John B. Watson warned against spoiling your children by expressing warmth. Watson wrote: “Never hug and kiss them…If you must…shake hands with them in the morning.” My parents did many good things with their children, but emotional expression wasn’t obvious. I think that both my father and I were much more able to show affection in his final years of life. It leaves me with good memories.
Love,
Dave
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