Signs of Hope

Dear George, 

Today our governor banned all gatherings of 100 or more people in the state of Ohio.  Our OLLI classes have been cancelled for the spring quarter  and won’t resume until September.  All the local universities have cancelled in-person classes, and Ohio schools will start a mandatory three-week spring break on Monday.  We’re advised not to fly commercially, not to eat out, not to go to the gym, to buy two weeks worth of canned goods, and to stay home.  A very cloistered life.  Our world, like most of the nation, has pretty much shut down.  I read on CNBC that the attending physician to Congress and the Supreme Court estimates that up to 150 million Americans will eventually become infected with the coronavirus.   Katja and I will adjust our everyday routines, but we are nervous about being in an age group with an estimated 15% mortality rate.  Not wanting to feel imprisoned, the best I could do was take a walk around our block and look for signs of hope.  Spring, it turns out, is breaking forth this week.  Here are some of the sweetie-pies that announce that life is still up and running.  

Love,

Dave 

Daffy Horoscopes

Dear George,

I have been thinking about going back to work as a horoscope writer.  As you know, I’ve been taking lots of poetry classes, and recently I discovered that horoscopes are known as the “poetry of astrology”.   I would have to learn some astrology, of course, since horoscopes are based on the positions of the sun, moon, and stars.  But poetic talents also enter in, since the best horoscopes are mysterious and titillating.  Our local newspaper, like most, publishes horoscopes every day, and I’ve been keeping track of my favorites for a while.  Here are some of the horoscopes I find most inspiring.

Love,

Dave 

ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):  Your life tears off from the form, circling back to offer you a choice.   

TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20):  You may find yourself keeping an eye on things that don’t even exist.    

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21): There are many ways to capture in your heart the life inside of life.     

CANCER (June 22 - July 22):  The universe is expanding at a rate that few agree on.  

LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22):  The answer is no to 100% of the questions that are never asked. 

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): Your love is not a bubble that will pop when it smacks upon a sharp reality. 

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):  The stumbling, bumbling, dropping and spilling — that’s the way of the living. 

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):  Something inter dimensional is occurring within. 

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Wherever the stuff was, there’s usually more there. 

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):  If you mapped out all you saw, it would be but a tiny dot next to the map of all you never saw.  

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):  Facts don’t get to be facts just by showing up factually.  

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): A systematic approach may discount the intelligence in you that doesn’t speak to logic.   

The Persnickety Triolet

Dear George,

In trying to compose poetry I’m often drawn to traditional forms with a specific structure.  That’s because I’m a high-structure guy and I need some directives in order to get started.  One of my favorites is the triolet.  I’ve labelled it “persnickety” here because it’s a pain in the neck to write.  Short and simple but surprising difficult to figure out.  Triolets originated in France in the 13th century, originally as devotional poems written by monks but later as poems which typically focused on love or nature (or sometimes humor).  They’re eight lines long and rely heavily on rhyme and repetition.  There are only two rhyme-endings in the poem.  The first line is repeated in lines 4 and 7, and the second line is repeated in line 8.  Thus the rhyme scheme is ABaAabAB, where the capital letters refer to repeated lines and the small letters a and b rhyme with A and B respectively.  What makes triolets challenging is writing a poem in which the refrains are natural (vs. artificial) and where the meaning of the first line changes slightly throughout the course of the poem.  I’d say I’ve accomplished the latter aim in just a couple of the poems below.  Here is what I’ve come up with so far.

Love,

Dave  

OLLI

I’ve gone back to school at OLLI            

My thing, mostly poetry classes 

To hang out with classmates jolly

I’ve gone back to school at OLLI

I pray that my efforts aren’t folly

I enjoy being part of the masses

I’ve gone back to school at OLLI

My thing, mostly poetry classes

Big Boy

We brunch at Big Boy on Sunday morn. 

My favorite, the Classic, the Number One.

When we wish our lives to be less forlorn 

we brunch at Big Boy on Sunday morn.

All my neighbors view Big Boy with scorn

but it brings back happy times with our son.  

We brunch at Big Boy on Sunday morn.

My favorite, the Classic, the Number One.

Lost Glasses

I’ve lost my glasses once again 

I’ve scoured the household everywhere 

Not in the kitchen, not in the den 

I’ve lost my glasses once again

The tragic fate of older men

whose brains have shrunk from wear and tear 

I’ve lost my glasses once again

I’ve scoured the household everywhere

New York Times Angst

I read the New York Times each day. 

Its news, so grim and dismal. 

To check out Trump and moral decay, 

 I read the New York Times each day.

Sometimes I’ll scan the arts, ballet

But mostly I seek the abysmal. 

 I read the New York Times each day

Its news, so grim and dismal. 

Zumba

Zumba, my tactic for battling old age

Even though I’m a raggedy dancer 

I struggle all class to stay on the page 

Zumba, my tactic for battling old age 

It calms the soul, it softens the rage 

Even Oprah said it helps prevent cancer 

Zumba, my tactic for battling old age 

Even though I’m a raggedy dancer 

Self-Improvement 

A far better husband I could be 

If I brought daisies once a week 

Attended the opera with uncurbed glee 

A far better husband I could be

I might propose on bended knee

Then book a trip to an isle Greek  

A far better husband I could be

If I brought daisies once a week 

“You Need A Gun”

The cop said we should get a gun 

A gun to help protect our house

To keep the burglars on the run 

The cop said we should get a gun

But guns are one thing that I shun

My fear, being shot at by my spouse 

The cop said we should get a gun

A gun to help protect our house

Fitbit Blues

My Fitbit is home in the drawer 

This entire walk is a waste 

All these steps and I’ve failed to keep score 

My Fitbit is home in the drawer

My shins and my kneecaps are sore 

I’m left with a bad aftertaste 

My Fitbit is home in the drawer

This entire walk is a waste

Life’s Secret 

The secret of life is dancing 

It’s when your true self becomes free

The turning, the dipping, the prancing

The secret of life is dancing 

Swing music, so alive, so entrancing 

The rhythms fill one with glee 

The secret of life is dancing 

It’s when your true self becomes free 

Nature's Razzle-Dazzle: Burnet Woods in January

Dear George, 

I’ve gotten a bit obsessive, taking photos in Burnet Woods all month long.  However, our snowless, warmish weather, along with my daily Fitbit goal, has been conducive to lots of long hikes.  I think that winter is the best time for photos in the forest.  The trees are bare, you can see for longer vistas, and the muted pastel colors — browns, blacks, grays, silvers — are aesthetically pleasing.  We are fortunate to live only a five minute walk from Burnet Woods, a Cincinnati city park, and I enjoy it every season of the year.  Here is how things were looking in January.

Love,

Dave

Best Cincinnati News Stories of 2019

Dear George,

Having grown up in a town of 10,000, I always find the news in our Cincinnati metro area astonishing.  If you have 200 times as many people, you have 200 times as many bizarre happenings.  Here are some of the Greater Cincinnati news stories that caught my eye in 2019.

Love,

Dave

School Pleasures

41-year-old Lacy Elberton, a substitute teacher at a local Middle School, was arrested after he was seen masturbating behind his desk in a classroom while students were present.   According to the police, the children were not directly exposed to nudity.  Lacy’s father explained that he has never had a problem of this sort before.  (cincinnati.com, 1-8-19)

Cable bill even larger than ours 

The FBI arrested Rixel Jarma because he had accumulated $928,318.79 in Time Warner cable TV bills for his various properties.  Jarma signed up for 68 different cable accounts using fake names, but didn’t bother to pay any of them.  (cincinnati.com, 1-28-19)

Dildo Bombs

Tristar medical company is suing “Dildos by mail” for sending a package to one of their suburban offices which exploded into phallus-shaped confetti.  The Dildo company claims this was a joke, but the medical practice says it caused acute emotional distress to numerous employees.  (fox19,com, 3-25-19) 

Ferris wheel thrills

30-year-old Mitchell Matthiasen and 31-year-old Laura Willdry were arrested after reportedly having sexual intercourse in front of children at the 150-foot SkyView ferris wheel at Cincinnati’s downtown riverfront park.  Court documents indicated that both were intoxicated.   (cincinnati.com, 3-29-19)

LGBTQ Not Welcome

A student at an all-girls Catholic school in suburban Blue Hills wrote an article for the student newspaper containing a series of short reviews of LGBTQ books, most of which were in the student library.  School officials removed all available copies of the newspaper, reportedly claiming that the article was “overtly sexual” and included a line that said “friends and lovers”.  Over 1,000 alumni signed a petition supporting the student newspaper.  (cincinnati.com, 4-5-19)

Atheists come to town 

The national convention of the American Atheist Association is scheduled for downtown Cincinnati on April 19-21.  The Atheists like to visit fun cities were it’s assumed that most of the population is religious, seeking to draw out local atheists who ordinarily remain hidden in the closet.  (citybeat.com, 4-15-19)

Over-kill 

The local Police Department sent 50 officers to Dayton to help keep the peace at a KKK rally.  Nine KKK members showed up for the rally, along with 5-600 protesters and 350 police officers.  Covering the event cost the city $650,000.  (cincinnati.com, 5-30-19)

Bait and Switch

The Ohio Supreme Court disbarred suburban lawyer Roger X. Mobley after learning that he stole three bottles of wine by replacing the bar codes before checking out at the cash register.  (cincinnati.com, 6-1-19) 

Iguana Assault

49-year-old Arnie Treeter was arrested after he pulled an iguana from under his shirt and threw it at the manager of the Perkins Restaurant in Payneville.  Authorities did not say what provoked the attack.  The iguana suffered a fractured leg but did not require surgery.  (cincinnati.com, 6-18-19)  

Modern Romance

Bridey Johnston, finance director of a local Convention and Visitors Bureau,  sent Kent Trasherby, a New York City businessman, $1.25 million in public money.  Though she had never met Kent in person, she believed herself to be in a romantic relationship with him.  Before embezzling public funds, she sent her own money first, and authorities believe Johnson sent a total of $4 million to seven different parties, never seeing a cent for herself.  (cincinnati.com, 7-25-19) 

A house full of poodles 

When authorities were notified that over 25 dogs were living in a Warner County home, they were surprised to find 111 dogs, nearly all poodles or poodle-mixes.  The dogs lived with a female hoarder and were apparently fed regularly, though all of them pooped in the house.  The owner did give each one its own name.  Now the poodles are in the hands of the Humane Association and will be put up for adoption.  (wlwt.com, 9-25-19) 

Flashy Interstate billboard

Two young white men with faces obscured by glasses and hoodies broke into a shed housing the computer for a digital billboard on I-75 and displayed a pornographic video on the billboard.  The video played about 20 minutes.  No traffic crashes resulted despite “a huge distraction to drivers.”  The culprits are on the lam.  (cincinnati.com, 10-3-19) 

The Red Underwear Bandit

Cincinnati residents returned home to find a man sleeping in their bed wearing only red underwear briefs.  Wilbert B. Schutzinger, 23, was arrested for trespassing.  Authorities haven’t determined if he was wearing more clothing when he broke in through a window.  (fox19.com, 10-7-19) 

Toddlers on the loose 

A motorist driving on busy Harrison Avenue stopped when she saw three two-year-olds by themselves at the edge of the road.  One boy pointed to the woods across the road and said that’s where they were going.  Unnoticed by workers, the children had left their nearby daycare center.  The center reported that it was going to buy a new bell.  (thestate.com, 10-17-19) 

Toilet shocks

Davis Warder, 40, was being tried on charges of promoting prostitution, possession of drugs, and unlawful conduct with a minor.  While awaiting his trial he used the court’s facilities and dropped his stun belt into the toilet water.  Drying it off, the stun belt zapped him with a series of shocks.  The judge declared a mistrial and rescheduled Warder’s case.  (cincinnati.com, 10-24-19) 

Spicy judge

Northern Kentucky judge Dora Gentilly is under investigation for complaints that she has demanded sex and money in exchange for preferential treatment from the bench.  Local attorney Katherine Schlutz resigned after Judge Gentilly flirted with her via Snapchat, pressured her to seduce Gentilly’s husband, and asked Schlutz to join her in group sex with a former church pastor.  Judge Gentilly declined comment.  (cincinnati.com, 12-3-19)

Lemonade Stand Success

Three Wettner daughters and three Zilby sons set up a lemonade stand in their wealthy Indian Grove neighborhood, selling $148 worth at $1 a cup in about 45 minutes.  One of the Wettner girls had had a liver transplant at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital in 2015, and the children decided to donate their profits to the hospital.  Mrs. Wettner put photos of the lemonade stand on Instagram, and the post went viral.  In just over a week they raised $206,000 in donations for Children’s Hospital, undoubtedly the most successful lemonade stand of all times.  (cincinnatimagazine.com, 12-6-19)

Coney Addict

A year ago Patrick Capelli, age 25, saw a headline that said a man ate 400 Skyline Chili Coney dogs and is still alive.  This inspired Patrick to set a goal of eating 1,000 coneys in 2019.  A cheese coney at Skyline consists of a hot dog, steamed bun, chili sauce, mustard, diced onions, and a mound of shredded cheddar cheese.  About 350 calories.   Patrick will reach his goal on Dec. 15, having spent $2,300 at Skyline.  He reports, “I wanted to put to rest the idea that you could die from eating coneys.”  (cincinnati.com, 12-13-19)   

911 Calls

Daniel Poxner, 32, of Evanston has called 911 over 90 times this year.  However, each time that police have arrived, he has refused to open his door.  On Tuesday morning neighbors reported that he was screaming and banging things against the walls.  When police arrived, Poxner started a fire on his stove, causing smoke alarms to go off through the building.  The fire department arrived and Poxner was arrested.  He appeared to be intoxicated.  (cincinnati.com, 12-20-19) 

Messy drill

New Richland Middle School held an active shooter drill on Tuesday during the lunch period.  Student tried to flee the cafeteria but didn’t know what to do or where to go “which resulted in a chaotic few moments.”  Several students were knocked to the ground, sustaining bumps and bruises.  One girl got a cut on her forehead, and EMTs treated two students for injuries.  The principal announced, “It is obvious the we need to develop an effective evacuation plan for the number of students in our cafeteria.”  (cincinnati.com, 12-20-19)

Cincy makes the Rudest Cities List

Business Insider did an online survey of 2,092 adults, asking them to name the five rudest cities from a list of the 50 largest metro areas in the county.  Cincinnati came in at number 24, not as rude as New York (1), Chicago (4), Philadelphia (9), San Francisco (20), or Sacramento (21), but ruder than Seattle (28), Nashville (33), New Orleans (35), Louisville (37), and Milwaukee (49).   (businessinsider.com, 12-31-19) 

Best Hangover Cure

USA Today provided a list of the nation’s 10 best regional foods for hangover cures including New York’s “Garbage Plate”, Louisville’s hot brown, and West Virginia’s pepperoni rolls.  The number one hangover cure in the nation was Cincinnati chili with its spaghetti, brown chili sauce and shredded cheddar.  According to the authors, “this local dish combines carbs, protein and grease to create the perfect antidote to hangovers.”  (fox19.com, 12-31-19)

*Pseudonyms are used throughout.