Some Other Irritants in Life

Dear George,

I must have too much time on my hands these days because I’m a lot more grumpy than usual.  To get a handle on this, I made a list of things that make me irritated.  My biggest irritant is reading the political news in the New York Times each day.  The second biggest is watching Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow on MSNBC.  This is paradoxical since I like and respect the Times and MSNBC.  However, the events that they report on are typically so outrageous and disgusting that the content casts a pall over my entire day (as I’m sure it does for much of their audience).  I don’t even want to think about these matters, so here are the other main items on my list of irritating things in life.  

Bad Air 

I was going to walk into my office today, but the air is so bad that I decided to stay home.  That’s how it’s been for the last week, and it will probably be worse for the rest of the summer.  According to the American Lung Association’s State of the Air report, Cincinnati has the worst air in the nation outside of California.  High traffic volumes are a major factor.  Beyond that, the city is located in a valley which serves to trap emissions, keep the air stagnant for days on end, and increase the density of pollution.  Here are some facts about air pollution in the U.S. (see sources at end):     

• More than 50% of Americans live in counties that received an F for air quality in the American Lung Association’s 2016 “State of the Air” report.  
• Breathing in particle pollution can increase the risks of lung cancer, heart attacks, strokes, emergency room visits, and early death. 
• For the average person in the U.S., breathing air pollution decreases one’s life by one to two years. 
• The seven most polluted metro areas in the U.S. are in California, including Fresno, Bakersfield, Los Angeles, and San Francisco.  
• Air pollution in California causes 25,000 deaths per year and costs $200 million in medical expenses.  
• Indoor air pollution is 2-5 times worse than outdoors.  
• People in cars and trucks can be exposed to nearly 8 times as much air pollution as pedestrians and cyclists.  
• 72% of Americans believe they are not affected by air pollution from automobiles. 

Telemarketing

My number one source of annoyance is unwanted calls from telemarketers even though they’re not as deadly as air pollution.  A majority of our friends and relatives have shifted to cell phones only, but Katja and I seem to be landline diehards.  While we both have cell phones, there is something comforting about a phone system that is connected to the wall with a wire.  And we get most of our calls on our landline.  Unfortunately, at least 95% of them are from charities, political organizations, or commercial enterprises.  For some reason, I am always in a different room from the landline, so I leap up and race to the other room to get the phone before it stops ringing.  The result is constant disappointment and frustration.  Last week I got a call from a young man who claimed to be my grandson and who was in dire straits.  Here are a few things to know about telemarketing:  

• There are nearly 9,000 telemarketing companies in the U.S., and their workers make nearly 150 million calls a day.  
• Telemarketing centers operate mainly in small towns where they are as common as local banks, restaurants, and hardware stores.  
• On average, it takes about 80 calls to get one sale or donation. 
• Several hundred telemarketing firms exist solely to defraud people via charity schemes, credit card fraud, credit repair and loan schemes, and phony lotteries.  
• Americans lose approximately $40 billion a year to fraudulent telemarketing.  
• 80% of victims of phone scams are elderly.  

Litter

We live on a busy street corner, and I spend a bit of every day picking up the litter on our front and side lawns.  I don’t mind this entirely because I look for unusual items to add to my personal litter collection.  However, it always amazes me how much trash people discard on other people’s property,  Cigarette butts are the worst offenders, and fast food items (bags, styrofoam containers, napkins, plastic utensils, etc.) run a close second.  One guy regularly leaves a banana peel on our side lawn that is undoubtedly left over from his breakfast.  Here are a few litter facts:    

• About 17% of all trash in the U.S. is disposed of by littering.
• It’s estimated that there are about 6,700 pieces of litter per mile on our streets and roadways.  
• About 81% of littering is done intentionally. 
• Motorists account for 53% of litter.    
• Younger people are more likely to litter than older people.    
• Cleanup of litter costs about $11 billion per year.  
• About 1 million sea birds and 100,000 marine mammals die each year from being entangled in or ingesting litter.  

Thermostat Wars

Now that summer’s in full sway, Katja and I have daily “discussions” about where to set the thermostat.  She always likes to have it cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter than I do (she likes comfort; I like saving money).  When the furnace guy was last here, I asked him what is the best temperature to set the thermostat at.  He said, “The best temperature to set your thermostat at is whatever your wife wants.”  Apparently we are not the only couple who goes through these squabbles.  Here is some thermostat info:  

• According to a recent survey by Honeywell, 30% of people who live with one or more other persons quarrel abut the thermostat setting.  
• 25 % of spouses or housemates change the thermostat setting without telling the other.
• This is especially true of younger people (18-34) where 39% secretly change the temperature.
• On average, women prefer warmer temperatures than do men.
• In the summer you save 5% to 15% on your energy bill if you raise the thermostat five degrees. 

Having done my research, I somehow I feel a little better about these matters.  Next I plan to make a list of sources of joy.  So far, it has been easier to think of irritants than joyfulness, but I will do my best.  I will let you know.

Love,

Dave 

SOURCES: 

www.247wallst.com, “The 10 Most Polluted Cities in America” 

www.conserve-energy-future.com, “Air Pollution Facts”  

www.friendsoftheearth.uk, “20 shocking facts about air pollution” 

www.globalhealingcenter.com, “8 Crazy Facts About Air Pollution” 

www.homeairguides.com, “36 Air Pollution Facts and Health Statistics” 

www.lung.org, “Air Quality Facts” 

www.controversialtelemarketing,weebly.com, “Telemarketing” 

www.phone.instantcheckmate.com, “The Startling Facts About Telemarketing Fraud” 

www.selfgrowth.com, “5 Amazing Facts About B2B Telemarketing”  

www.smallbusiness.chron.com, “FacTs and Figures on Telemarketing” 

www.conserve-energy-future.com, “20 astonishing Facts About Littering”

www.creditdonkey.com, “23 Littering Statistics That Will Blow Your Mind”   

www.kab.org, “End Littering Resources” 

www.reuters.com, “Couples fight for control in Battle of the Thermostat”

Lazarus Lizards

Dear George,

I frequently walk down our street to the public library which is about six blocks away.  In the middle of my journey I run across some cute little creatures sunning on the sidewalk who dart away into the grass as I approach.  I thought they were salamanders, but it turns out that they are European wall lizards (or common wall lizards).  In Cincinnati they’re called “Lazarus Lizards” (more about this below).  I’ve been seeing these little guys for years, but this spring I was surprised (actually very pleased) to discover that they’ve moved down the street to our patio and driveway.  Despite being in a big city, we have lots of wildlife in our yard — even deer at times — and I’m happy to welcome our new Lazarus Lizards.  Here’s a poem in their honor and a few facts too.  

Lazarus Lizards

We have brand new pets on our patio  

They’re skinny and green with the longest tails  

They look to be eight hundred million years old   

Older than meerkats or hippos or whales    

Lazarus Lizards are our new pets’ name  

Brought to Cincy by a twelve-year old boy  

Born in Italy, they’ve gained local fame   

Like Fiona, they give me much joy   

Our lizards enjoy sitting out in the sun 

They patiently wait, to entice an ant   

I snuck up, attempted to capture one  

So quick, off it went, disappeared in a plant 

Since we lost our dogs my heart has been sad

But with Lazarus Lizards, life’s isn’t half bad    

There are literally millions of Lazarus Lizards in Cincinnati, spread throughout the entire city and, from there, infiltrating parts of Northern Kentucky and down the Ohio River to eastern Indiana.  There are also colonies in British Columbia (escapees from a small zoo) and Long Island.  Native to Europe, they always live around people, e.g., in rock walls, piles of wood, cracks or crevices in a house.  Wall lizards grow up to seven inches in length; are green, gray, or brown in color; and have an angular head and long limbs and toes. There are several theories about the origins of wall lizards here, but the most widely accepted resulted when an elderly member of the local Lazarus department store family wrote to UC biologists who were studying the reptiles.  In 1951 at age 12  George Rau, stepson of Fred and Irma Lazarus, was vacationing with his family in Lake Garda, Italy, about 80 miles east of Milan.  He captured about ten local lizards, put them in a sock, and brought them back to their family home on Torrence Court in East Walnut Hills.  (Torrence Court is now known as Lizard Hill.)  Recently a UC biology graduate student has compared DNA samples from Cincinnati and Northern Italy, verifying their common ancestry.  Moreover, the very low genetic diversity of the Cincinnati lizards indicated that as few as three had survived the migration, eventually producing the millions that exist today.   Lazarus lizards have distinguishing features so that one can recognize individuals.  They come out in the morning, once the sun has warmed the rocks (or patio tiles), and will sit an wait for an insect.  While they’re very quick, they’re not skittish and sometimes humans can approach within a foot or two.  I say hello to a Lazarus Lizard or two every morning, and they brighten up my day.. 

Love,

Dave    

SOURCES:  

www.cincinnati.com, “‘Imported’ lizard flourishing with few predators.”  Mark Wert, Nov. 25, 2014.  

www.cincinnati.com, “They came from Italy.  Now, they outnumber us all.”  Carol Motsinger, Aug 31, 2017.  

www.wikipedia.org, Porarcis muralis.  

An Ode to Menominee (Circa 1949)

Oh, Menominee, true world of wonders

Water and forest, sunshine and snow 

Stretching three miles on the Green Bay shore 

Her southern border, the handsome Menominee River

Wisconsin right over the bridge

1890 logging capitol of the world

The surroundings, lush woodlands

Birches, pine, oaks, maples

Deer, bear, beaver, porcupines, foxes

The very edge of the Great White North

Gateway to the U.P.  

All U.P. towns are smallish

Menominee, the fourth largest 

Nine thousand, plus or minus a few 

German, Scandinavian, Polish, French

Catholics and Protestants, some non-believers too

Friendly, caring, honest, helpful  

Menominee people are an outdoor sort 

Camping, swimming, ice boating

Sailboat races to Mackinac Island

They say, the best bass fishing in the world

Muskies, whitefish, Northern pike

The first day of hunting season, time to skip school

Our county, the largest deer population in Michigan

At age 16 our dads brought us to Jean Worth’s camp   

Summers are the stuff of dreams 

Temperatures in the seventies, air so pure it sings

Hot dogs, firecrackers, softball at the circus grounds 

The winters, quite opposite, hardy and majestic 

Snowstorms with drifts three or four feet high

Icicles stretching from the eaves to the ground 

Cross-country skiing, plodding on snowshoes

Days off from school when our county road closed 

Boats from Milwaukee tied up in the harbor

Thursdays, bandshell concerts at Marina Park 

Only ten cents a ticket, matinees at the Opera House

Roy Rogers, Tom Mix, Laurel and Hardy

Playin at the Dome, Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington

Every August, the Hagenbeck Circus 

Elephants, slapstick clowns, high-wire beauties   

We fed the deer, watched the buffaloes at Henes Park

Snuck into the stock car races at Spies Field

Cheered for the Menominee Maroons 

Afterwards, root beers at the A&W drive-in

Our family moved to our house on the river

We built rafts from old logs, rowed our boat through the channel

Caught snakes and fireflies, crayfish, toads

Were frightened by the snapping turtles feeding at dusk

And deadly quicksand at Mr. Shaver’s lagoon

Steve and I played basketball on the snow and ice

The Ideal Dairy, just one mile away

Lemon Flake ice cream, two dips for a nickel

We pulled our wagon to the city dump

Such treasures we brought home, you’d never believe 

Menominee was a safe and welcoming place

We children could go wherever we liked 

The whole town, within ten minutes on our bikes 

We never were scared to go anywhere

A pretty good place for young kids to grow up  

[Footnote: For more Menominee poems, see www.funnypoemsmaybe.blogspot.com]

Ringlessness

Dear George,

Katja and I got married at the Quaker chapel in Yellow Springs on August 28, 1960.  We drove to Dayton the month before to do some wedding purchases, including our rings.  Dayton’s three or four jewelry stores were on a single block on a downtown side street.  One of the shop owners had set up a table in front of his store, hawking items on sale.  We arranged to purchase two gold wedding bands from him, $19 apiece.  He had them inscribed “SKW - DCL, 8-28-60.”  

We left for graduate school a week after the wedding.  Three years later I was taking a social psychology seminar from Dr. Swanson in Mason Hall.  In the middle of a class session he said that the room was getting chilly and asked that someone close the window.  I stepped up on the windowsill, pulled the window down, and jumped back down to the floor.  Unfortunately my wedding ring got caught on the window latch, and, as I dropped to the floor, it tore the flesh half off of my ring finger before coming loose.  I was rushed to the emergency room, fantasizing that I would lose my finger and never be able to type again.  There goes my dissertation!  The male nurse tried to saw my ring off with a file but the ring was too strong.  After 30 or 40 minutes they sent me up to dental surgery, and the technician was able to cut my ring in two with a diamond drill.  He said that they have to cut a ring off a man’s finger at least once a week.  I decided that was it for me with wedding rings.  Happily my finger healed properly, and I was able to type again.  I still have the scar.  

Katja hasn’t been able to get her wedding band off for quite a long time, but that hasn’t bothered her.  Last week she went out to Sears to get some trashmasher bags.  Leaving the store, her open-toed shoe caught on the pavement, and she fell to the ground, landing on her left forearm.  She was able to drive to her scheduled massage, but the pain got too bad, and the massage therapist recommended going to the emergency room.  Katja came home, and we drove over to Good Sam.  The initial X-ray didn’t show a fracture, but, with all the bones in one’s hands, they couldn’t be 100% sure.  The doctor said that, because of the swelling, she would have to remove her rings.  The male technician successfully used lubricant to remove a recently acquired ring, but no luck with Katja’s wedding band.  He then used a ring cutter, though Katja’s ring was just as sturdy as mine had been.  Because of all the pain Katja was experiencing, this was a difficult procedure.  His first ring cutter broke, and he got a second one.  Finally success.  Leaving the two of us ringless of course.  

The episode was more distressing to me than you might think.  Aside from some photos and a few written documents, Katja’s wedding ring is the oldest physical object still in our possession.  Not only is it a symbol of our marriage, but it’s associated so directly with young love, our momentous step in getting married, our commerce with a sidewalk jewelry vendor, and all the other things going on with getting married at the time.   The destruction of Katja’s ring felt like the end of an era.  At least we had one wedding ring in the family, but now we are down to zero.  Probably a more encouraging approach is to think of it as a new beginning.  Katja even suggested that I might want to get a new wedding ring.  After 55 years without a wedding ring, I’m giving it some thought.   

Love,

Dave