ONLINE NIGHTMARES

DEAR GEORGE, When our long-time Menominee friends invited us up for a visit, we jumped at the chance. We haven’t gone on a real trip for almost two years. Because I haven’t driven anywhere more than 20 miles away in all that time, I was a bit wary about a 1500-mile road trip to the U.P. and back. However, it all went smoothly — not counting the blip outside Chicago.

It was rush hour so we decided to use the Illinois Tollway on the city’s western edge to avoid the heaviest traffic. As we entered the tollway I was puzzled by a digital display that read “NO CASH — Use I-Pass or Pay Online”. We didn’t have an I-Pass, of course, and I had no idea how paying online was even possible. Sure enough, when we got to the first set of toll booths, all of the booths that formerly housed human toll-takers were barricaded off. There was a new set of lanes designated for people who had I-passes, and the cars breezed through at 60 miles an hour, but there was only one single lane for people who wanted to pay online. No human toll-taker in sight. Since the online lane was my only option, I held up my cell-phone to the windshield and drove through. I didn’t really think that my cell phone was smart enough to pay my toll, and I was acutely aware that when I had last done this in Florida I wound up paying a $65 traffic ticket.

Ten miles later we came to an identical set of barricaded toll booths and I-Pass lanes. This time, faced with the prospect of a second $65 ticket, I pulled over to the side of the road and parked. I noticed a small sign that said, “To apply for an I-Pass, go to ipass.com." Hooray! I breathed a big sigh of relief and went to ipass.com on my cell phone. To say that the web-site was user-unfriendly would be an understatement. It required a couple dozen pieces of information, some of it very confusing, at least to me After twenty minutes, I was still not close to finishing. I couldn’t believe that the authorities subjected innocent drivers to this nightmare, and I fantasized that we would be marooned for days on the tollway. There was an official-looking building to the right of the toll-booths, so I got out of the car, climbed a fence, and went over to it. I banged on the front door, then walked around and banged on the back door, but there were no humans around. As I headed back toward my car, a tollway truck pulled into the parking lot. Thrilled by my good luck, I rushed over, holding out my cellphone to the driver. He just shook his head, refused to look at my phone, and told me to go to “illinoistollway.com" to pay online. Even if he hadn’t solved my problem directly, I was certain I was now on the right track.

“illinoistollway.com" turned out to be disappointing because it required all the same responses as did “ipass.com". I misspelled the first word I typed in, listing my name as “davif”, and I couldn’t figure out how to correct my mistake. After a lot of personal information, the website eventually asked for a password. I typed in my favorite password, “12345”. “Failure,” the website said, “ use a small letter”. I tried “d12345” but that too was a Failure: “Use a capital letter.” “Dav12345”, I responded. No luck — “Use a non-alphanumeric character”. I typed“ Dav@12345”, and — Voila! — I finally had created an acceptable password. After inputting my credit card information, the last step involved a box labelled “Verification”. I had no idea what Verification meant. I typed “verified” in the box but that was more “Failure”. Likewise for “yes” and “david.lundgren” and “finished”. Finally I noticed a box just above Verification that contained some squiggly fuzzy numbers and letters. They were very obscure and I couldn’t make them out clearly, but I guessed they might be “mN08”. I typed “mN08”in the Verification box but that too was “Failure”. I looked at the characters even more carefully. Perhaps they were “nW06”. I typed that in, and, miracle of miracles” the website said that I had successfully completed my Pay by Plate application.

It was exactly one hour since we had stopped to apply for our I-pass. My wife was ready to kill someone. No other cars had had to stop during that time, and I wondered if I were the only technologically inept traveller passing through Chicago. We zipped through the remaining five “pay online” lanes without a moment’s hesitation. I’m hopeful that we paid our tolls online though I’m uncertain and still nervous. I definitely don’t know about the first lane that we passed through without paying, but, if we only wind up with a $65 ticket, I will be content. I’m sure next time will be easier. LOVE, DAVE