WRITING CLERIHEWS: CINCINNATI CELEBRITIES

Dear George, 

A clerihew is a short funny poem about a famous person. The form was invented by poet Edmund Clerihew Bentley (1875-1956) when, at age 16, he was bored in a science class. Rules are simple. Clerihews are four lines long. The first line names a person, and the second line rhymes with the first. Also the third and fourth lines rhyme with each other (i.e., an AABB rhyme pattern). A good clerihew captures something of a person’s character or reputation. The main aim is to sum up an entire life through one incident or detail, making fun of the person. Clerihews are not intended to be rude, but rather are amusing and/or silly. Lines can be any length, and one needn’t use rhythm. W.H. Auden is among the many poets who have written clerihews. Here are some of the clerihews I’ve written about Cincinnati celebrities, current and past. 

Love, 

Dave 

The Bengals’ head coach is Zack Taylor 

Has the mindset of Vlad the Impaler 

Zack draws up the plays for Joe Burrow 

Blazing rockets shot straight down the furrow 

Chef Jean-Robert de Cavel 

Attracted a hip clientele 

The crown prince of French cuisine 

He knew what to do with a bean 

A living legend, hometown hero Pete Rose 

Had gambling debts up to his nose 

Banned for life from the Hall of Fame 

Pete fortunately is impervious to shame 

We all of us remember Nick Clooney 

A most charming man, slightly goony 

Was he likeable?, believe it, Mister 

Though less famous than his son or his sister 

Channel 5’s a.m. star was Paul Dixon 

Way back in those days of R. Nixon 

Paul teased the front row about their knees 

Gave Bonnie Lou and Colleen a squeeze 

Our Reds star these days is Joey Votto 

Hitting better is what Joey ought to 

’Twas a worse than lackluster season 

The wise guys say old age is the reason 

UC’s prez is Dr. Neville Pinto 

Engineering’s the field he’s been into 

Neville’s minions — fifty thousand young students 

All but ten are chronic impudents 

The Reds were once owned by Marge Schott 

Fans prayed that she’d sweeten the pot 

Stupid thoughts about Hitler and Blacks 

But her players soft-pedaled the attacks 

The Bearcats’ best coach was Luke Fickell 

But Luke left the team in a pickle 

Wisconsin wooed our Luke away 

Eight million, hard to say neigh 

The sheriff for years was Simon Leis 

A tough nut who ruled by caprice 

No one ever called Simon humane 

Since his treatments were spankings and pain 

The worst native son is Charlie Manson 

Who was famed at Walnut Hills for his dancin’ 

Manson ordered his groupies to kill 

And they all seemed to think it a thrill 

My first love was Miss Doris Day 

Though Rock Hudson got in my way 

Doris was guileless and pure 

Not to mention her golden coiffure 

Cincy’s cowpoke, a Rogers named Roy 

Such a hero to me as a boy 

Roy would have a shootout with some goon 

Then would croon by the light of the moon

THE BEST CINCINNATI NEW STORIES OF 2022

 

Dear George, 

The population of Menominee County where my home town is located and is about 23,000 while Hamilton County which includes Cincinnati has 826,000 people. Consequently there are about forty times as much of everything in Cincinnati than in Menominee — poor people, rich people, homicides, suicides, vegetarian restaurants, tobacco shops, you name it. As a “small town guy,” I am always amazed by our local news in Cincinnati. Here are my choices for “best” stories in 2022 (where “best” means most amusing, strange, etc.). 

Love, Dave 

 THE AFTER SCHOOL SATAN CLUB 

 Local parents were disturbed when the Lebanon City Schools approved meetings of the “After School Satan Club” for children in the first through fifth grades. The club is sponsored by the Satanic Temple whose organizers say that the Satan Club is an alternative to the Good News Club, an evangelical organization that offers Bible and faith lessons after school. The Satanic Temple does not really believe in Satan but instead promotes “scientific rationality”. Lebanon parents aren’t convinced. (cincinnati.com, 1-21-22) 

DETAINED FOR BEING BLACK 

Two police officers were called to a suburban Meijer store to look for an accused shoplifter described as a white man in his 30s, wearing a dark green jacket with a red hoodie. They promptly stopped a 60-year-old Black man, Arik Lindsey*, who was wearing an orange down coat and a brown and tan scarf. Lindsey’s lawyer said its another instance of a Black person being confronted by law enforcement merely for going about his or her daily life. (cincinnati.com, 2-4-22) 

COACH WYCHE WILL BE AT SUPER BOWL 

Sam Wyche, coach of the last Bengals Super Bowl team in 1989, died of cancer in 2020 at age 74. However, his daughter, Callie Wyche, has brought his ashes and bobblehead to each of the Bengals playoff games, and she’ll have him sitting in front of the TV screen in Cincinnati for the Super Bowl. She’s not sure whether her dad has had a role in the team’s wins, but she’s not taking any chances. (cincinnati.com, 2-9-22) 

 BAD INMATE MANNERS 

Ryan Stock, 24 of Green Township, was jailed for kidnapping a man and shooting him three times in the head when he couldn’t give Stock and his colleagues $5,000. Disgruntled in jail, Stock used a bottle to spray “wet feces” on three different deputies. He is currently undergoing competency tests to see if he understands the charges against him. (cincinnati.com, 2-27-22)  

FAKE DAUGHTER ENDS SOMEONE ELSE’S FATHER’S LIFE 

When Elicia Malthus arrived at the hospital in Edgewood to visit her dying father, Donald, she was told that Elicia Malthus was already in the room visiting him. The impersonator, Marissa Jenkins, 23, signed in as Elisha Malthus and advised staff to remove life support. Marissa was not related to Donald Malthus but was his “ex-stepfather’s sister’s girlfriend’s child” and referred to him as “uncle”. Malthus died the following morning. Jenkins has been charged with identity theft and forgery. Police are also investigating the theft of $2,900 in cash from Malthus’ wallet in the hospital room. (wlwt.com, 4-1-22) 

NOT REALLY SATAN’S DOING 

Southbound I-75 drivers this week probably noticed that a billboard for “The Chosen”, a web series about Jesus, has been defaced. The graffiti artist drew heart-shaped glasses on Jesus’ face and wrote “Stupid Plots” on the billboard. As it turns out, the vandalism was the work of the series’ producers who altered billboards nationwide to promote “The Chosen”. The series co-founder said it only made sense to have the Devil attack Jesus, and he hopes that fans enjoy the humor of this gag. (cincinnati.com, 4-20-22) 

 BAD BOYFRIEND 

Pat Hickey of Clermont County pled no contest to having burnt down his own house and frame his girlfriend. The fire was caught on home security camera which showed two people entering the house with gas cans and removing two large TVs. Hiceys had purchased a custom-made mask of his girlfriend’s face from a company called “That’s My Face” and wore it during the arson. While Hickey did not go to jail, he was required to pay $400K back to the insurance company. (wlwt.com, 4-27-22) 

CRIMINAL JUDGE 

Garda A. Stuckey, 61, of suburban Wyoming, a candidate for juvenile court judge in Hamilton County, has had over a dozen run-ins with local police in the last decade. These include instances where she was found walking topless in her community or lying comatose in a parking lot. Most of the time police or witnesses describe Stuckey as intoxicated and disoriented. Police have made numerous runs to her home for “domestic trouble”, and she has been charged with child endangerment. Democratic party officials chose not to endorse Smith, saying “She did not fit the level of expertise and professionalism that we would expect.” (cincinnati.com, 4-29-22) 

 MUCH TOO YOUNG DRIVER 

A 7-year-old boy was alone in a red Kia SUV, driving in the eastbound lanes of Roosevelt Boulevard in nearby Middletown. He then crossed the median, entered the westbound lanes, struck a guardrail, and crashed into a parked red jeep. Bystanders helped get the boy out of the car after the crash. His parents, unaware that he had left the house, joined him at the hospital. (cincinnati.com, 5-13-22) 

 PURE EVIL Cincinnati police officer Erik Wertha was reassigned and then fired for having “pure” and “evil” tattooed on his right and left knuckles. Department policy forbids tattoos on the face, neck, head, and hands. Wertha appealed, saying that the tattoos do not represent “pure evil” but are on different hands and symbolize the struggle between good and evil. He will not have the tattoos removed because of the cost of cosmetic surgery. (wlwt.com, 6-7-22) 

 MEALS NOT YUMMI 

Anastasia Shinster and Sachar Wilson weren’t happy with their meals at Yummi Xpress on Reading Road in Roselawn and wanted their money back. Wilson sucker punched an employee in the face and kept asking Shinster to shoot him. Shinster then pulled a gun out of her purse and shot the restaurant owner in the arm. Both are due in court on Monday. (local12.com, 7-23-22) 

HELPING THE BENGALS WIN 

 An Enquirer sports columnist during the Bengals win streak asked readers: “What did you do to make the Bengals win again?” Here are some of their rituals. (1) I stopped watching the games live. (2) I stand up and scream on important plays. (3) Put my left leg over right for offense; right leg over left for defense. (4) Keep the remote and phone about a 30 degree angle next to each other on the couch arm. (5) Wear my gold chain every game. (6) Set the volume to 24 on my TV and 19 or 21 in my truck. (7) Wear the same sweatshirt for each home game and never wash them. (8) Don’t wear any Bengals gear. (cincinnati.com, 12-15-22) 

 *Pseudonyms used throughout.