Are Vampires Real?

                        Linda Rabinovitz, Vampire

Dear George,

There’s been such a rash of vampire movies lately.  Along with right-wing radio talk-show hosts, sex addicts, and greedy CEOs, you might say that vampires are dominating the American landscape.  Recently I was discussing Twilight: New Moon with an acquaintance, and they asked me if I thought vampires were real.  Of course, I initially scoffed at the question.  It kept nagging at me though, and finally I posed the question to the search engine Ask Jeeves: “Are vampires real?”  You can imagine my surprise when I found out that the answer is a resounding yes.  The indisputable evidence is that literally hundreds of real vampires have chosen to “out” themselves on the Internet, probably because of the anonymity which it offers.  I’ve pictured one of them here, Linda Rabinovitz, who lives in central Virginia with her teenage son.  Linda had the courage to actually post her photograph.

 

A lot of the confusion comes about because real vampires hardly correspond at all to the fictional versions propagated by Hollywood or Bram Stoker.  Real vampires, for example, are not immortal. They don’t burst into flame when exposed to the sun (though they do have a severe sensitivity to sunlight).  They are more likely to sleep on water beds than in coffins; they cast reflections in mirrors; and they are not necessarily repulsed by crucifixes. There are many faithful Christian vampires, as well as Jewish and Muslim vampires, etc.

 

In the movie versions, vampires subsist entirely on human blood.  Real vampires, though, may or may not drink blood, and they never drain their victims' bodies.  Those that do drink human blood ordinarily rely on the willing cooperation of donors and usually only consume about a shotglass a week.  For animal blood, which is obtainable at the butcher shop, about a pint of blood a week is the norm.  Other vampires rely instead on sucking up the energy vibes from other human beings around them.  Linda Rabinovitz mentions that Applebee’s is particularly good for this purpose.  Energy-sucking vampires, also termed “psivamps” or “prana vampires”, are actually the most frequent type.  Only about 17% of real vampires rely exclusively on drinking blood.  Real vampires can be killed by driving a wooden stake through their heart or shooting them with a silver bullet, but so can everybody else.

 

Real vampires are very hard to identify because they look pretty much like everybody else.  They’re more likely to be men than women, and they tend to look young for their age.  They have unusually pale skin, but darker colored lips.  All real vampires have a dark colored ring around the iris of their eyes (though some non-vampires have this too).  Vampires tend to be energetic at night, but get very tired just before the sun rises.  They’re often viewed by others as empathetic, and their moods can have strong effects on the moods of others around them (especially babies and cats).  They have a high tolerance for alcohol, have enhanced senses and psychic abilities, can hear whispers from across the room, and have difficulty with electrical appliances, e.g., computers, iPhones.   

  

If you do a Google search on vampire groups in Cincinnati, you will find that there are currently 81 people on the Vampire group waiting list.  Many of these are only aspiring vampires, but a significant number are real vampires who are seeking new dating partners or a clan to join.  I have not contacted any so far, but that might be a next step.  It’s hard to tell just where most vampires live in Cincinnati.  I suspect that a few reside in Hyde Park, but probably a majority live in Clifton or Northside.  I’ve been canvassing Ludlow Avenue for the last few weeks in an unscientific effort to estimate the number of vampires in our neighborhood.  You see hardly any vampires (or even apparent vampires) in the daytime.  As soon as night falls, though, definitely more vampires come out.  My current estimate is about 3% of people on the street at nighttime are real vampires, and, interestingly, it’s equally divided between women and men.  One pretty obvious example is an older gray-haired guy who you often see hanging out near Stillwell’s coffee shop on Ludlow.  He’s very thin, with pale skin, somewhat elongated canine teeth, and an other-worldly voice; plus if you look at him from the proper angle, his eyes have a silver sheen.  I think he stations himself outside Stillwell’s because it’s a local vampire hangout and an excellent place to recruit converts.

 

I am going to continue my research and will report new findings from time to time.  I am curious about vampires because Katja has shown a strong interest in them ever since I’ve known her.  In fact, sometimes she asks me to refer to her as Katjula.  I don’t think she has any vampire blood in her, but you can never know for sure.

 

Love,

Dave

G-Mail Comments:

-Kathy R (2-3): Enjoyed the "real vampires" entry on your blog.  Be careful walking around there in Clifton at night.

-Phyllis SS (1-26):  Interesting.  Your stories always (usually) make me smile.  Not about Manson though.  If you are doing research on vampires you must have to get awfully close to them.

-Jennifer M (1-26): Who knew?!  

-Linda C (1-26): are you born a vampire or can you become one along life's way?  i am going to look for that ring around the eye, i have seen it and just thought the  person had really pretty eyes. i am also going to check out everyone in my family and i think you should too.  it seems important for the grandkid(s) to know who is a family vampire vs and outsider vampire...

-DCL to Linda (1-26):  I'm glad you're in tune with this and appreciate your advice to check out family.  The only one I'm 100% certain about is Baby V (i.e., definitely not a vampire).