Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Yes Virginia, Santa is a Vampire!

Dear George,

When I was seven, one of my best friends, Marvin K., told me that Santa Claus was a vampire. I got very upset and told him that couldn’t be true. But the idea stuck around in my head, and I still think about it every year when Dec. 25 approaches. I never found a definitive answer in the past, but now that the Internet is available, you can get the facts about almost everything. As it turns out, there are some very knowledgeable people who have examined this question. I won’t list them here, but you can find them by googling “Santa Vampire”. Here’s just some of the pertinent information that vampire experts have determined:

(1) Santa Claus’s favorite color is blood red (i.e., observe his suit).

(2) Santa Claus lives forever and never ages (exactly like the undead).

(3) Like some other well-known creatures, Santa flies through the night sky.

(4) Santa is a nocturnal being who never appears in the daylight (do you suppose he would burst into flame?).

(5) All vampires possess superhuman speed; Santa visits all the houses in the world in a single night.

(6) Santa has other supernatural powers such that "he sees you when you're sleeping" and "he knows when you're awake." (Dracula watches people when they’re sleeping too.)

(7) Santa never comes through the door like a normal human being, but shrinks his chubby body down to the size of a bat so he can come down the chimney.

(8) Both Santa and vampires have an affinity for deer.

(9) Santa prefers a cold climate, just like the vampires in Transylvania.

(10) Santa has a ravenous, vampire-like appetite and consumes over a zillion cookies and glasses of milk in a single night.

(11) Santa is surrounded by an army of elves who also live forever, look eerie, and do his every bidding.

(12) Bram Stoker’s novel, Dracula, was published in 1897. The famous New York Sun editorial to Virginia, “Is there a Santa Claus?”, was published in 1897. A coincidence? I think not.

(13) If you rearrange the letters in Santa's name, what do you get? Could it possibly be...........Satan?

There are many sophisticated people out there who have concluded, without question, that Santa is a vampire. Some of the most cutting edge are members of the "Santa Claus is a Vampire" Fan Club at The club’s 11 members include: narlyvamp1234, xgirl98, and girpandababies. Also there are numerous Facebook pages for believers: Santa Claus is a Twilight Vampire (24 likes); Vampire Santa (14 members); The Vampire Santa (107 likes); Santa Claus is a Vampire (24 members); Santa’s A Vampire (52 likes); I Believe That Santa Claus Is A Vampire (10 members); and Vampire Santa’s Egg Nog (63 members). Not that it’s totally conclusive, but when I googled "Santa Claus is a vampire," I got 33,400 hits. But when I googled “Santa Claus is not a vampire,” I only got 3 hits, One of those three claimed that Santa is not a vampire, but a zombie. I also looked for images of a “Vampire Santa” on the Internet. I got approximately 40 million hits. Most are drawings or cartoons, so they don’t settle the question. However, there are actual photographic images of vampire santas which are hard to dispute. For example, here’s one that’s pretty much settles the question:

There is also historical evidence for the Santa-vampire link. In a discussion among fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a very articulate participant named Ahnya revealed that in the sixteenth century Santa appeared on Christmas night with flying reindeer and came down the chimney, but instead of delivering presents he disemboweled the children

( Similarly, on “Yahoo! Answers” a vampire named Antoine reports that Santa's real purpose on Christmas eve is "drinking the blood of naughty children." I should note that some of the skeptics who replied to Antoine (who, incidentally, is a former King of the Vampires) don't agree with him. For example, Ornetta wrote, "I really do not believe that there is a Santa Claus let alone a vampire one. I believe that this is a fantasy of yours and you need to find an outlet to this passion." I think Ornetta is being a little naive about this, if not downright rude.

I haven’t made an absolutely final conclusion, though virtually all of the evidence points to Santa being a vampire. Just to be on the safe side this past Xmas, I put garlic around our door frames and nailed silver crosses here and there. As far as I can tell, Santa skipped our house this year which certainly says something. Some people think that because Santa generously gives so many gifts to little children, he can’t be an evil vampire. It’s very possible, though, that he’s been lulling the population into a false sense of security for a couple of centuries, while getting ready to drink the blood of all the naughty children in a single swoop. I guess we’ll see, maybe next year. If I were back in second grade, I would start behaving really good right now.



G-mail Comments

-Phyllis S-S (12-29): Dave, Love the photos - cute story. Phyllis

-Donna D (12-28): this is so insightful! i will never again think of santa as i used to! donna

-Gayle C-L (112-28): David. This is good. :)). Fun :)).

-Jennifer M (12-28): Very funny! C and I both laughed at it.

-Mary B (12-28): This is hysterically funny! Thanks for a belly laugh (but not "a bowlful of jelly" or you might think I'm one of his minions). Hahahaha.


  1. This is hysterically funny! Thanks for a belly laugh (but not "a bowlful of jelly" or you might think I'm one of his minions). Hahahaha.

  2. Very funny! C and I both laughed at it.