Friday, March 30, 2012

Woof, Woof, Where the Heck Did Mom Go?

Do you see her, Mikey?

Dear George,
Katja has been away on her trip to Italy for 15 days now. We are managing o.k. at home, though it’s eerily quiet, and the sheepdogs have been subdued and morose. Mike and Duffy spend more time than usual with one another, communing about their sad fate. It’s not easy to pick up every detail, but we’ve been together so many years that I think I’m able to interpret most of what they’re saying. Here’s what I’ve been able to decipher from their dog talk so far:

MIKE (staring out the window, sighing): Oh, will Mom ever come home? She has been gone so long. I can’t stand it much longer.
DUFFY: I know. She’s been gone forever.
MIKE: Every night I sit in the dark in the kitchen, watching the patio door. I pray she’ll arrive, but she never does.
DUFFY: I’ve given up. You should just come upstairs and watch Pop type on his computer.
MIKE: Where did she go anyway?
DUFFY: I heard Pop tell somebody she went to Italy.
MIKE: Italy? Where’s Italy?
DUFFY: I don’t know. I think it’s in Kentucky.
MIKE: That’s right across the river. Maybe we could go there and find her.
DUFFY: Pop is trying his best to take care of us.
MIKE: He could be doing a lot better.
DUFFY: What do you mean?
MIKE: Well, first of all, he never gives us dingo treats. Mom gives us at least one every day. Mosr days, two. But Pop hasn’t given us a single one since she’s been gone.
DUFFY: You’re right. And he never gives us his plate to lick.
MIKE: That’s because he only eats salads. He knows we hate Thousand Island dressing.
DUFFY: One thing I like is that he turned the furnace and the air conditioner off.
MIKE: Yes, and he never turns the air conditioner on in the car. Why is that?
DUFFY: He’s like a sheepdog. He likes things to be natural and not cost money.
MIKE: Mom always turns on the fan and points it at me when I’m in bed.
DUFFY: Pop doesn’t like the fan either.
MIKE: And he takes us for all these long walks since Mom left.
DUFFY: I think he gets bored.
MIKE: I hate long walks. Doesn’t he know I’ll be 70 in April? My hips are killing me.
DUFFY: I hate long walks too. Especially on the big street. There are Demons from Hell riding on flying boards.
MIKE: Those are called skateboards. I’m not sure those are Demons.
DUFFY: Yes, skateboards. Those are what Demons use in Hell. If they hit you, you could explode into a million pieces.
MIKE: Hmm, maybe, maybe not. The thing I like is to sit on those benches by Graeters. Pretty girls come up and pet me. Also small children.
DUFFY: I don’t like being petted by pretty girls or children. Or anybody else.
MIKE: Come on, Duffy. Try to be a little bit friendly.
DUFFY: You’re more like Mom, Mikey. She’s friendly. I’m more like Pop. I like being gloomy and staying away from people.
MIKE: Well, you always kiss Mom when she’s home.
DUFFY: Mom is the only human I like to kiss. She’s so smoochy. Right on the smackers.
MIKE: I like to lick Pop’s feet.
DUFFY: They’re stinky.
MIKE: Yes, that’s what’s so tasty about them.
DUFFY: What I like is there’s more room in the bed now that Mom is in Kentucky.
MIKE: Yes, it’s so funny. We take up more space than ever, and we still only allow Pop to have two feet for himself.
DUFFY: Did you notice that Pop makes the bed every day and keeps the house very clean.
MIKE: Well, it’s easy -- he never does anything to mess it up.
DUFFY: I like the way he puts all the plastic bottles and cans in the wastebasket in the kitchen for recycling. I get them out every morning and take them into the living room to chew on them.
MIKE: Me too. I love recycling.
DUFFY: Remember the day that Pop forgot to give us water?
MIKE: That was horrible! Mom would be furious if she knew.
DUFFY: Fortunately, we always have an extra water supply in our big white bowl in the bathroom.
MIKE: It’s lucky for us. I get most of my water there.
DUFFY: Do you think things will get better if Mom returns?
MIKE: Definitely. More treats, more kisses, more pets, more air conditioning, more human food, more mother love. I can’t wait.
DUFFY: Me too. I hope she gets back soon. I’ve had enough of this low-budget life.

So that’s the dogs’ sad tale. I guess they’ve been pretty spoiled in the past.

G-mail Comments
-Gayle C-L (3-31): Spoiled ??? You think??  But cute.  Really cute.  I could definitely picture it.   ;).   
-Linda C (3-30): David, this is wonderful, thank god she will return, I think they are really sad. When I went to Europe the night I returned Truman was so happy to see me, but for first and last time ever he peed on the book I always lay down beside my bed.  Just to remind me he was "pissed" off for being gone so long.
-Donna D (3-30): david, this is so cute.  you should write childrens' books! donna
-Jennifer M (3-30): :-)

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