Dear George,
What, I
wondered the other day, if we could send Valentines to anybody in the
world? Like Queen Elizabeth or the Empress of Rangoon. Who would I
personally pick to send Valentines to? After I mulled it over for a
while, I realized that we can actually do this. Though not having
private mailing addresses used to be a barrier, the Internet solves this problem
because we can transmit our greetings through the ether. Excited about
the prospect, I quickly compiled a list of over 70 people that I’d like to send
Valentine’s wishes to. It seemed appropriate to limit my list to the
opposite sex, though, of course, I could include a Valentine to Garrison
Keillor or Stephen Colbert too. Seventy was too excessive, so I winnowed
my list down to a bakers dozen. Maybe I’ll even hear back from two or
three. In any case, here are my messages to just some of the famous
personages for whom I have a soft spot in my heart this Valentine’s Day.
Zsa Zsa Gabor, actress and socialite
Dear Zsa Zsa,
I’ve long
feared that all of the Hollywood movie queens of my youth have gone on to meet
their maker, so I was pleased to see that you were still around for your 99th
birthday last week. I still remember your glamorous performance in Moulin
Rouge (1952). I
know your senior years are not going so well, but I wish you many moments of
cheer as you celebrate your 100th Valentine’s Day today.
Cissy King, former dancer on The Lawrence Welk Show
Dear Cissy,
As I do most
Saturday nights, last night at 7:30 I was watching you and Bobby Burgess do
swing dancing on the PBS rerun of the Welk Show. I was glad to learn that
you're still performing at age 70 on the "Stars of the Lawrence Welk
Show" tour. When the tour arrives in Cincinnati, I plan to be in the
front row. Champaign bubbles to you on Valentine’s Day.
Kelly Ripa, Co-host of Live! with Kelly and Michael
Dear Kelly,
When I first
saw you on Live! with Regis and Kelly some fifteen years ago, my heart skipped a beat. If
anything, your charms have only increased over the years. Please include
me among the tens of millions of your Valentine admirers.
Lisa Kudrow (“Dr. Fiona Wallace”, Web Therapy, Showtime)
Dear Lisa,
I used to
consider going into psychotherapy, but the prospect was always too
daunting. Now that I've watched your brilliant therapeutic interventions
on Web Therapy, I’m
eager to be one of your Skyping clients. Empathic Valentine wishes to
you.
Vera Farmiga (“Norma Bates”, Bates Motel, A&E)
Dear Vera,
I worry that
playing the character of Norma Bates may be too much for you to bear.
It’s bad enough to lose your life savings in a disastrous motel venture, but
being a single mom to a psychotic adolescent serial killer is the
pits. When Bates Motel begins its new season on March 7, I will be rooting for
you. In the meantime, Valentine wishes from the dark side.
Jane Fonda, actress and activist (at the Golden Globes, Feb.
2016)
Dear Jane,
Since we were
both born in 1937, it always perks me up to see you looking so young and
healthy. Here’s to your
Valentine’s Fountain of Youth.
Mercedes Stafford (“Sadistic Sadie” on the Cincinnati Roller
Girls)
Dear
Mercedes,
In my college
co-op days I used to frequent the Saturday night roller derby matches in the
old Armory near 26th and Lexington in Manhattan. I was pleased when the
Cincinnati Roller Girls fielded their team here in town. Thought I’ve
only attended once so far, I was most impressed with Sadistic Sadie’s bravado
and unprovoked aggression. Roller Derby Valentine’s Greetings to you.
Michelle Dockery (“Lady Mary Crawley” in Downton Abbey)
Dear
Michelle,
We love your
perfect portrayal of Lady Mary every Sunday evening. However, I do worry
about Lady Mary’s psychic well-being. Rich, intelligent, elegant, she’s
been unable to find a true match among her never-ending parade of
suitors. If Lady Mary thinks herself superior to these chaps, that’s because
she is. Maybe tonight’s Valentine’s episode will turn the tide.
Edith Wilma Connor, the world’s oldest female body-builder
Dear
Edith,
As the oldest
competitive female bodybuilder at age 80, you are a true inspiration. I
keep you in mind when I’m lifting those twelve-pound weights at the fitness
center. Here’s to building our Valentine biceps.
Lady Gaga, singer and actress
Dear Lady
Gaga,
I didn’t pay
close attention to your career until you started playing the Countess in American
Horror Story. The
undead Countess is extremely scary, but I still hope she’ll be my Valentine.
Eugenie Bouchard, Canadian pro tennis player
Dear Genie,
You probably
don’t remember me but I was cheering for you from the twentieth row at the
Western & Southern Open in Cincinnati a couple of years ago. I was
happy when you reached your number five world ranking in 2014, and then I was
sad about your locker room fall and concussion at the U.S. Open. I figure
2016 will be a great comeback year for you. Valentine victory wishes!
Cecile Richards, President of Planned Parenthood
Dear Cecile,
I have been a
fan of Planned Parenthood since since 1960 when I accompanied Katja to
pick up her birth control pills at the Liberty St. clinic in Ann Arbor (one of
the first outlets for the pill in the nation). I am sorry that your
organization is coming under such malevolent, crazy attacks, and I fantasize
that people will start coming to their senses on Valentine’s Day.
Stephanie Courtney (“Flo” in Progressive Insurance TV ads)
Dear
Stephanie,
I DVR most of
the TV shows we watch these days because I like to fast-forward through the
commercials. Your laugh-out-loud Progressive Insurance ads are the
exception. I not only watch them in real time, but then I sometimes rewind
and watch them over again a second time. I hope we’ll see your newest ad
on Valentine’s Day.
I could write
a lot more, but now I need to go down to CVS and buy a real Valentine for
Katja. It will cost $5.99, and she will be able to open it and put it on
the kitchen counter. It’s the 58th Valentine’s Day that we’ve celebrated
together, and I’d have to say a real card is more enjoyable than a dozen Valentines on
the Internet.
Love,
Dave
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