Best Cincinnati News Stories of 2019

Dear George,

Having grown up in a town of 10,000, I always find the news in our Cincinnati metro area astonishing.  If you have 200 times as many people, you have 200 times as many bizarre happenings.  Here are some of the Greater Cincinnati news stories that caught my eye in 2019.

Love,

Dave

School Pleasures

41-year-old Lacy Elberton, a substitute teacher at a local Middle School, was arrested after he was seen masturbating behind his desk in a classroom while students were present.   According to the police, the children were not directly exposed to nudity.  Lacy’s father explained that he has never had a problem of this sort before.  (cincinnati.com, 1-8-19)

Cable bill even larger than ours 

The FBI arrested Rixel Jarma because he had accumulated $928,318.79 in Time Warner cable TV bills for his various properties.  Jarma signed up for 68 different cable accounts using fake names, but didn’t bother to pay any of them.  (cincinnati.com, 1-28-19)

Dildo Bombs

Tristar medical company is suing “Dildos by mail” for sending a package to one of their suburban offices which exploded into phallus-shaped confetti.  The Dildo company claims this was a joke, but the medical practice says it caused acute emotional distress to numerous employees.  (fox19,com, 3-25-19) 

Ferris wheel thrills

30-year-old Mitchell Matthiasen and 31-year-old Laura Willdry were arrested after reportedly having sexual intercourse in front of children at the 150-foot SkyView ferris wheel at Cincinnati’s downtown riverfront park.  Court documents indicated that both were intoxicated.   (cincinnati.com, 3-29-19)

LGBTQ Not Welcome

A student at an all-girls Catholic school in suburban Blue Hills wrote an article for the student newspaper containing a series of short reviews of LGBTQ books, most of which were in the student library.  School officials removed all available copies of the newspaper, reportedly claiming that the article was “overtly sexual” and included a line that said “friends and lovers”.  Over 1,000 alumni signed a petition supporting the student newspaper.  (cincinnati.com, 4-5-19)

Atheists come to town 

The national convention of the American Atheist Association is scheduled for downtown Cincinnati on April 19-21.  The Atheists like to visit fun cities were it’s assumed that most of the population is religious, seeking to draw out local atheists who ordinarily remain hidden in the closet.  (citybeat.com, 4-15-19)

Over-kill 

The local Police Department sent 50 officers to Dayton to help keep the peace at a KKK rally.  Nine KKK members showed up for the rally, along with 5-600 protesters and 350 police officers.  Covering the event cost the city $650,000.  (cincinnati.com, 5-30-19)

Bait and Switch

The Ohio Supreme Court disbarred suburban lawyer Roger X. Mobley after learning that he stole three bottles of wine by replacing the bar codes before checking out at the cash register.  (cincinnati.com, 6-1-19) 

Iguana Assault

49-year-old Arnie Treeter was arrested after he pulled an iguana from under his shirt and threw it at the manager of the Perkins Restaurant in Payneville.  Authorities did not say what provoked the attack.  The iguana suffered a fractured leg but did not require surgery.  (cincinnati.com, 6-18-19)  

Modern Romance

Bridey Johnston, finance director of a local Convention and Visitors Bureau,  sent Kent Trasherby, a New York City businessman, $1.25 million in public money.  Though she had never met Kent in person, she believed herself to be in a romantic relationship with him.  Before embezzling public funds, she sent her own money first, and authorities believe Johnson sent a total of $4 million to seven different parties, never seeing a cent for herself.  (cincinnati.com, 7-25-19) 

A house full of poodles 

When authorities were notified that over 25 dogs were living in a Warner County home, they were surprised to find 111 dogs, nearly all poodles or poodle-mixes.  The dogs lived with a female hoarder and were apparently fed regularly, though all of them pooped in the house.  The owner did give each one its own name.  Now the poodles are in the hands of the Humane Association and will be put up for adoption.  (wlwt.com, 9-25-19) 

Flashy Interstate billboard

Two young white men with faces obscured by glasses and hoodies broke into a shed housing the computer for a digital billboard on I-75 and displayed a pornographic video on the billboard.  The video played about 20 minutes.  No traffic crashes resulted despite “a huge distraction to drivers.”  The culprits are on the lam.  (cincinnati.com, 10-3-19) 

The Red Underwear Bandit

Cincinnati residents returned home to find a man sleeping in their bed wearing only red underwear briefs.  Wilbert B. Schutzinger, 23, was arrested for trespassing.  Authorities haven’t determined if he was wearing more clothing when he broke in through a window.  (fox19.com, 10-7-19) 

Toddlers on the loose 

A motorist driving on busy Harrison Avenue stopped when she saw three two-year-olds by themselves at the edge of the road.  One boy pointed to the woods across the road and said that’s where they were going.  Unnoticed by workers, the children had left their nearby daycare center.  The center reported that it was going to buy a new bell.  (thestate.com, 10-17-19) 

Toilet shocks

Davis Warder, 40, was being tried on charges of promoting prostitution, possession of drugs, and unlawful conduct with a minor.  While awaiting his trial he used the court’s facilities and dropped his stun belt into the toilet water.  Drying it off, the stun belt zapped him with a series of shocks.  The judge declared a mistrial and rescheduled Warder’s case.  (cincinnati.com, 10-24-19) 

Spicy judge

Northern Kentucky judge Dora Gentilly is under investigation for complaints that she has demanded sex and money in exchange for preferential treatment from the bench.  Local attorney Katherine Schlutz resigned after Judge Gentilly flirted with her via Snapchat, pressured her to seduce Gentilly’s husband, and asked Schlutz to join her in group sex with a former church pastor.  Judge Gentilly declined comment.  (cincinnati.com, 12-3-19)

Lemonade Stand Success

Three Wettner daughters and three Zilby sons set up a lemonade stand in their wealthy Indian Grove neighborhood, selling $148 worth at $1 a cup in about 45 minutes.  One of the Wettner girls had had a liver transplant at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital in 2015, and the children decided to donate their profits to the hospital.  Mrs. Wettner put photos of the lemonade stand on Instagram, and the post went viral.  In just over a week they raised $206,000 in donations for Children’s Hospital, undoubtedly the most successful lemonade stand of all times.  (cincinnatimagazine.com, 12-6-19)

Coney Addict

A year ago Patrick Capelli, age 25, saw a headline that said a man ate 400 Skyline Chili Coney dogs and is still alive.  This inspired Patrick to set a goal of eating 1,000 coneys in 2019.  A cheese coney at Skyline consists of a hot dog, steamed bun, chili sauce, mustard, diced onions, and a mound of shredded cheddar cheese.  About 350 calories.   Patrick will reach his goal on Dec. 15, having spent $2,300 at Skyline.  He reports, “I wanted to put to rest the idea that you could die from eating coneys.”  (cincinnati.com, 12-13-19)   

911 Calls

Daniel Poxner, 32, of Evanston has called 911 over 90 times this year.  However, each time that police have arrived, he has refused to open his door.  On Tuesday morning neighbors reported that he was screaming and banging things against the walls.  When police arrived, Poxner started a fire on his stove, causing smoke alarms to go off through the building.  The fire department arrived and Poxner was arrested.  He appeared to be intoxicated.  (cincinnati.com, 12-20-19) 

Messy drill

New Richland Middle School held an active shooter drill on Tuesday during the lunch period.  Student tried to flee the cafeteria but didn’t know what to do or where to go “which resulted in a chaotic few moments.”  Several students were knocked to the ground, sustaining bumps and bruises.  One girl got a cut on her forehead, and EMTs treated two students for injuries.  The principal announced, “It is obvious the we need to develop an effective evacuation plan for the number of students in our cafeteria.”  (cincinnati.com, 12-20-19)

Cincy makes the Rudest Cities List

Business Insider did an online survey of 2,092 adults, asking them to name the five rudest cities from a list of the 50 largest metro areas in the county.  Cincinnati came in at number 24, not as rude as New York (1), Chicago (4), Philadelphia (9), San Francisco (20), or Sacramento (21), but ruder than Seattle (28), Nashville (33), New Orleans (35), Louisville (37), and Milwaukee (49).   (businessinsider.com, 12-31-19) 

Best Hangover Cure

USA Today provided a list of the nation’s 10 best regional foods for hangover cures including New York’s “Garbage Plate”, Louisville’s hot brown, and West Virginia’s pepperoni rolls.  The number one hangover cure in the nation was Cincinnati chili with its spaghetti, brown chili sauce and shredded cheddar.  According to the authors, “this local dish combines carbs, protein and grease to create the perfect antidote to hangovers.”  (fox19.com, 12-31-19)

*Pseudonyms are used throughout.  

Lamar's and My Worst Night of the New Year

Dear George, 

Katja had been looking forward for months to Renee Fleming’s farewell tour performance at the symphony.  I was more conflicted since the concert occurred at the same time as the NFL playoff game between the Baltimore Ravens and the Tennessee Titans.  Most experts had picked the Ravens to win the Super Bowl and Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson to be named the league’s Most Valuable Player.  I’m not ordinarily a Baltimore fan but I joined the bandwagon this season.

The Symphony actually phoned us on Thursday, but Katja wasn’t at home and I didn’t bother to pick up.  It rained all day Saturday, and I suggested that we leave for Music Hall at 7:10 to give us plenty of time for an 8 o’clock start time.  As we walked out the door Katja asked if I had the tickets.  “No,” I said, “you have the tickets.”  “No,” she replied, “I left them right here on the counter for you.”  “I never saw them,” I said.  “I’m sure of that.”  We argued back and forth for a while.  Then it dawned on me that I’d sorted the mail on the counter, tossing most of it into the recycling bin.  I rummaged around and there at the bottom were our tickets.  Whew!

I dropped Katja at the front entrance of Music Hall and circled around to the parking garage on Central Parkway.  I gave the attendant $10 but I couldn’t understand her instructions when she gave me my ticket.  She repeated herself, but I still didn’t get it.  Finally she took the ticket back from me and held the bar code up to the scanner so that the gate opened.  I was surprised that the garage was so filled since I’d gotten there quite early, and I drove up to the top deck.  As I walked away from the car, I noticed that my front parking lights were still on.  I figured that they would go off in a second or two so I kept walking.  But they didn’t go off.  Finally I turned around and went back, wondering if I had failed to push some light switch on the dash.  We’ve only had the car for six months, and it’s still a bit mysterious.  When I sat down in the driver’s seat, I noticed that the keyless ignition button was glowing red.  The car, virtually silent, was still running.  Oh, no, not this again.  I turned the engine off, the parking lights went out, and I set off through the drizzle.  

Much to my bewilderment, the main front doors of Music Hall were locked, and nobody appeared to be in the lobby.  Were we there on the wrong night?  Fortunately a side door was open.  I had trouble getting my wet umbrella into a plastic umbrella bag, and a helpful usher held it open for me.  I put my car keys and coin purse in the basket and walked through the metal detector, but a buzzer went off and a security guy hurried over.  I stepped back, added my forgotten cell phone to the basket, and successfully passed inspection.  I showed my ticket to another usher, and she politely explained that the concert had begun at 7 p.m.  It was now 7:40.  “You aren’t the only one,” she said sympathetically, and she directed me to the Founder’s Room which was broadcasting the concert in real time.  The room was packed with latecomers.  “This is the waiting room for idiots,” I thought to myself as I found a seat in the rear.

After ten minutes the orchestra took a break while they removed a piano from the stage, and we latecomers were all encouraged to hurry to our seats.  An usher pointed Katja and myself to row M, but when we got there strange people sitting in our seats.  The concert was about to resume at any minute.  I rushed back to the usher to explain the problem.  She seemed taken aback, but she did straighten out the mix-up.

The gentleman sitting next to me was mildly amused by our late arrival.  He explained that the concert was an hour earlier than normal because many people had bought tickets for a special dinner at Music Hall after the concert.  Renee Fleming was wonderful.  The voice of an angel.  We were sad that we had missed much of her performance, and the concert seemed to very quickly.  We got up to leave, and, as we filed out of our row, I felt a tap on my shoulder.  The gentleman who’d been sitting next to me smiled and handed me my umbrella in its plastic bag.

The only redeeming note was that we would get home in time for the fourth quarter of the Ravens game.  It would probably be a blowout by the Ravens by that time, but a big victory would lift my spirits.  When we got home, much to my shock, the Ravens were losing, 28 to 6.  The final score was 28-12.  The Ravens had been overwhelming favorites, but Lamar Jackson had had his worst outing of the season.  Two interceptions, one fumble, and a quarterback passer rating of 63.2 (vs. 113 for the regular season).  A catastrophe for Baltimore fans but a fitting climax to our Saturday night.  

The way I’ve come to think of Lamar’s and my evening is that life isn’t perfect.  Most days include a blunder or two.   Occasionally, though, a whole slew of them arrive together, and that’s what happened to Lamar and me.  While I worried at the time that I was losing my mind, it’s really just a matter of probabilities.   Lamar actually had fewer blunders than I did, but they were a lot more consequential.   He took responsibility for his team’s  painful loss.  Then he added, ““I don’t really worry about what people say…We can only get better.  It’s only up from here.”  I think I will  make that my philosophy too. 

Love,

Dave 

2020: A Mystery Year

Dear George, 

So far 2020 is a bit of a bust.  I made a slew of New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve already broken every one of them.  I drank too much scotch on Saturday night and promptly fell asleep in front of the TV.  I didn’t lose any weight, probably gained a pound.  Most days I overslept, sometimes till almost noon.  I haven’t written a single poem, read a book chapter, or gone to the gym.  And I haven’t yet come close to my daily goals of eight glasses of water and 10,000 Fitbit steps.  It’s true that most of 2020 is still to come, but this is definitely a discouraging start.  

New Year’s resolutions, of course, are a pain in the derriere.  They involve giving up things that you enjoy and replacing them with things that require self-denial and deprivation.  I would never make a resolution to eat more ice cream or watch more YouTube videos.  These come easily and don’t require moralistic prodding.  But gym workouts and losing weight are effortful and intrinsically unpleasant.  I think New Year’s resolutions are excellent for twenty-somethings, but those in their 70s or 80s should devote themselves to leisure and life pleasantries.  

2020 isn’t a monolithic event.  Like all the years before, it will differ for every person.  Our grandchildren will turn twelve during the year, and their 2020 highlights will include video games, Mardi Gras parades, summer camp, piano lessons, and school plays.  My 2020, in contrast, will feature chamber music concerts, bouts of depression from reading New York Times stories, ingesting seven pills before breakfast, and keeping an eye on the stock market.  I will share more 2020 experiences with Katja than with anyone else.  However, when I looked at my January diary so far I found that there were 12 things that we did together and 18 things that I or she did alone.  So, despite a lot of couple sharedness, it’s likely that 2020 will be about 60% different for the two of us.

The meaning of the New Year also varies a lot by age.  One disturbing but indisputable fact is that the arrival of each new year means one year closer to the end of it all.  This is barely worrisome at age eleven, but it takes on more significance by age eighty.  About then each remaining year becomes more precious.  My recent mind-set has been to do at least one significant or exciting event per day.  (These aren’t necessarily brimming with excitement.  Going to the Clifton Cultural Arts Center or taking a hike at Mt. Airy Forest qualify).  In any case, it’s my aim to make 2020 more exciting than 2019. 

The presidential election is the biggest event on 2020’s schedule.  63 million people voted for Trump in 2016, and most of them are thrilled with the prospect of his re-election.  It’s puzzling to me that I don’t personally know even a single one of these people (or at least I’m not aware that I do), but that may be due to many of them residing in places like Wyoming, Montana, and West Virginia.  Much to my shock and dismay, my home territory of Upper Peninsula Michigan is dominated by Trumpites, a radical shift from the Democratic populism of my youth.  I am patiently waiting for Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown to enter the race since he is the one Democrat who is certain to trounce Trump.  However, he continues to keep a low profile.  

There are many things I’m sure we will enjoy in 2020 because we enjoy them every year, e.g., the Super Bowl, the Academy Awards, Masterpiece Theater, the tennis Grand Slams, rooting for UC and the Bengals, eating at the Gaslight Bar & Grill, the Cincinnati Opera season.  The Tokyo Summer Olympics will be a special treat this year.  Pinterest has analyzed searches by its 320 million users and has identified a number of emerging trends for 2020, e.g., ocean trash art (from pollution), androgynous wedding attire, gender-neutral names, thrift store crafts, lyang lyang oil, and granny pods (i.e., backyard cottages).  The most popular names for baby girls in 2020 are expected to be Adah, Reese, Mika, Paisley, Amina, Teagan, Nova, Aura, Pearl, and Billie. 

For the most part 2020 is still an unknown.  It could be wonderful, it could be a disaster.  Based on recent years, I expect it to be about 40% pleasant, 35% boring, 15% fun, 8% nerve-wracking, and 2% horrible.  A lot of this, of course, isn’t under one’s personal control, e.g., politics, the economy, aspects of health and illness.   However, within limits, one’s own choices strongly affect one’s outcomes.  I hope that we choose wisely and with a sense of adventure (and that my first under-achieving week is not the final story). 

Love,

Dave