Dear George,
Having grown up in a town of 10,000, I always find the news in our Cincinnati metro area astonishing. If you have 200 times as many people, you have 200 times as many bizarre happenings. Here are some of the Greater Cincinnati news stories that caught my eye in 2019.
Love,
Dave
School Pleasures
41-year-old Lacy Elberton, a substitute teacher at a local Middle School, was arrested after he was seen masturbating behind his desk in a classroom while students were present. According to the police, the children were not directly exposed to nudity. Lacy’s father explained that he has never had a problem of this sort before. (cincinnati.com, 1-8-19)
Cable bill even larger than ours
The FBI arrested Rixel Jarma because he had accumulated $928,318.79 in Time Warner cable TV bills for his various properties. Jarma signed up for 68 different cable accounts using fake names, but didn’t bother to pay any of them. (cincinnati.com, 1-28-19)
Dildo Bombs
Tristar medical company is suing “Dildos by mail” for sending a package to one of their suburban offices which exploded into phallus-shaped confetti. The Dildo company claims this was a joke, but the medical practice says it caused acute emotional distress to numerous employees. (fox19,com, 3-25-19)
Ferris wheel thrills
30-year-old Mitchell Matthiasen and 31-year-old Laura Willdry were arrested after reportedly having sexual intercourse in front of children at the 150-foot SkyView ferris wheel at Cincinnati’s downtown riverfront park. Court documents indicated that both were intoxicated. (cincinnati.com, 3-29-19)
LGBTQ Not Welcome
A student at an all-girls Catholic school in suburban Blue Hills wrote an article for the student newspaper containing a series of short reviews of LGBTQ books, most of which were in the student library. School officials removed all available copies of the newspaper, reportedly claiming that the article was “overtly sexual” and included a line that said “friends and lovers”. Over 1,000 alumni signed a petition supporting the student newspaper. (cincinnati.com, 4-5-19)
Atheists come to town
The national convention of the American Atheist Association is scheduled for downtown Cincinnati on April 19-21. The Atheists like to visit fun cities were it’s assumed that most of the population is religious, seeking to draw out local atheists who ordinarily remain hidden in the closet. (citybeat.com, 4-15-19)
Over-kill
The local Police Department sent 50 officers to Dayton to help keep the peace at a KKK rally. Nine KKK members showed up for the rally, along with 5-600 protesters and 350 police officers. Covering the event cost the city $650,000. (cincinnati.com, 5-30-19)
Bait and Switch
The Ohio Supreme Court disbarred suburban lawyer Roger X. Mobley after learning that he stole three bottles of wine by replacing the bar codes before checking out at the cash register. (cincinnati.com, 6-1-19)
Iguana Assault
49-year-old Arnie Treeter was arrested after he pulled an iguana from under his shirt and threw it at the manager of the Perkins Restaurant in Payneville. Authorities did not say what provoked the attack. The iguana suffered a fractured leg but did not require surgery. (cincinnati.com, 6-18-19)
Modern Romance
Bridey Johnston, finance director of a local Convention and Visitors Bureau, sent Kent Trasherby, a New York City businessman, $1.25 million in public money. Though she had never met Kent in person, she believed herself to be in a romantic relationship with him. Before embezzling public funds, she sent her own money first, and authorities believe Johnson sent a total of $4 million to seven different parties, never seeing a cent for herself. (cincinnati.com, 7-25-19)
A house full of poodles
When authorities were notified that over 25 dogs were living in a Warner County home, they were surprised to find 111 dogs, nearly all poodles or poodle-mixes. The dogs lived with a female hoarder and were apparently fed regularly, though all of them pooped in the house. The owner did give each one its own name. Now the poodles are in the hands of the Humane Association and will be put up for adoption. (wlwt.com, 9-25-19)
Flashy Interstate billboard
Two young white men with faces obscured by glasses and hoodies broke into a shed housing the computer for a digital billboard on I-75 and displayed a pornographic video on the billboard. The video played about 20 minutes. No traffic crashes resulted despite “a huge distraction to drivers.” The culprits are on the lam. (cincinnati.com, 10-3-19)
The Red Underwear Bandit
Cincinnati residents returned home to find a man sleeping in their bed wearing only red underwear briefs. Wilbert B. Schutzinger, 23, was arrested for trespassing. Authorities haven’t determined if he was wearing more clothing when he broke in through a window. (fox19.com, 10-7-19)
Toddlers on the loose
A motorist driving on busy Harrison Avenue stopped when she saw three two-year-olds by themselves at the edge of the road. One boy pointed to the woods across the road and said that’s where they were going. Unnoticed by workers, the children had left their nearby daycare center. The center reported that it was going to buy a new bell. (thestate.com, 10-17-19)
Toilet shocks
Davis Warder, 40, was being tried on charges of promoting prostitution, possession of drugs, and unlawful conduct with a minor. While awaiting his trial he used the court’s facilities and dropped his stun belt into the toilet water. Drying it off, the stun belt zapped him with a series of shocks. The judge declared a mistrial and rescheduled Warder’s case. (cincinnati.com, 10-24-19)
Spicy judge
Northern Kentucky judge Dora Gentilly is under investigation for complaints that she has demanded sex and money in exchange for preferential treatment from the bench. Local attorney Katherine Schlutz resigned after Judge Gentilly flirted with her via Snapchat, pressured her to seduce Gentilly’s husband, and asked Schlutz to join her in group sex with a former church pastor. Judge Gentilly declined comment. (cincinnati.com, 12-3-19)
Lemonade Stand Success
Three Wettner daughters and three Zilby sons set up a lemonade stand in their wealthy Indian Grove neighborhood, selling $148 worth at $1 a cup in about 45 minutes. One of the Wettner girls had had a liver transplant at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital in 2015, and the children decided to donate their profits to the hospital. Mrs. Wettner put photos of the lemonade stand on Instagram, and the post went viral. In just over a week they raised $206,000 in donations for Children’s Hospital, undoubtedly the most successful lemonade stand of all times. (cincinnatimagazine.com, 12-6-19)
Coney Addict
A year ago Patrick Capelli, age 25, saw a headline that said a man ate 400 Skyline Chili Coney dogs and is still alive. This inspired Patrick to set a goal of eating 1,000 coneys in 2019. A cheese coney at Skyline consists of a hot dog, steamed bun, chili sauce, mustard, diced onions, and a mound of shredded cheddar cheese. About 350 calories. Patrick will reach his goal on Dec. 15, having spent $2,300 at Skyline. He reports, “I wanted to put to rest the idea that you could die from eating coneys.” (cincinnati.com, 12-13-19)
911 Calls
Daniel Poxner, 32, of Evanston has called 911 over 90 times this year. However, each time that police have arrived, he has refused to open his door. On Tuesday morning neighbors reported that he was screaming and banging things against the walls. When police arrived, Poxner started a fire on his stove, causing smoke alarms to go off through the building. The fire department arrived and Poxner was arrested. He appeared to be intoxicated. (cincinnati.com, 12-20-19)
Messy drill
New Richland Middle School held an active shooter drill on Tuesday during the lunch period. Student tried to flee the cafeteria but didn’t know what to do or where to go “which resulted in a chaotic few moments.” Several students were knocked to the ground, sustaining bumps and bruises. One girl got a cut on her forehead, and EMTs treated two students for injuries. The principal announced, “It is obvious the we need to develop an effective evacuation plan for the number of students in our cafeteria.” (cincinnati.com, 12-20-19)
Cincy makes the Rudest Cities List
Business Insider did an online survey of 2,092 adults, asking them to name the five rudest cities from a list of the 50 largest metro areas in the county. Cincinnati came in at number 24, not as rude as New York (1), Chicago (4), Philadelphia (9), San Francisco (20), or Sacramento (21), but ruder than Seattle (28), Nashville (33), New Orleans (35), Louisville (37), and Milwaukee (49). (businessinsider.com, 12-31-19)
Best Hangover Cure
USA Today provided a list of the nation’s 10 best regional foods for hangover cures including New York’s “Garbage Plate”, Louisville’s hot brown, and West Virginia’s pepperoni rolls. The number one hangover cure in the nation was Cincinnati chili with its spaghetti, brown chili sauce and shredded cheddar. According to the authors, “this local dish combines carbs, protein and grease to create the perfect antidote to hangovers.” (fox19.com, 12-31-19)
*Pseudonyms are used throughout.
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