Dear George,
People in Cincinnati probably aren’t any nuttier than people in, say, Escanaba or Santa Cruz. However, this is a big place, and, with so many human beings around, there are bound to be some peculiar happenings from time to time. We try to keep track of the stranger episodes in the local news. Here are our picks for the “best” local stories of 2010.
SUNDAY DRIVER
Elaine Doneuvan, 77, was driving out of her church parking lot in Mason on Sunday when she knocked down Officer Bart Midler who was directing traffic. Ms. Doneuvan got out of her car, looked things over, then got back in and quickly drove home. When she turned herself in days later, she explained that she had gotten scared because she’d run down a policeman. She was charged with leaving the scene of an accident. It was definitely not a Christian thing to do. (Cincinnati Enquirer online, 3-8-10)
UNIQUE COLLECTIONS DEPARTMENT
Authorities arrested Allen Parton of Dublin when he installed a mechanism to collect urine from a men’s room toilet in a suburban Wendys. It was not clear exactly why he wanted the urine. One clue, however, is that he spent four years in jail for fondling two minors in a restroom and trying to drink their urine. We think Allen may be some new strain of vampire. (Cincinnati Enq., 11-6-10)
ROLLER DERBY MISDOINGS
Sadistic Sarah has enjoyed local fame as the star of the Cincy Roller Gals, our local roller derby team. Fans, however, were chagrined to learn that Sarah was sentenced to 30 months in prison on criminal fraud charges. It seems that she used her daytime airlines job to create fake ticket numbers and obtain over 525 tickets for her teammates, other roller derby teams, friends, and family. The fraudulent tickets, which included flights to Cancun and Italy, were worth about $850,000. Spokespersons for the Roller Gals expressed extreme shock, said that they had no inkling that fakery was involved. (www.cincy.com, 10-19-10)
NEW ADVANCES IN CHILD-REARING
Twenty-one-year-old mother, Jellica Camble, is in trouble for teaching her two-year-old daughter to smoke marijuana. Everything would have been cool except that Ms. Camble made a video of her baby smoking and e-mailed it to a friend. The horrified friend forwarded it to authorities. Charged with corruption with drugs, Ms. Camble has lost her child to foster parents, and she faces a huge fine and a jail sentence. This is just more proof of the danger of mixing one’s drug fun with modern technology. (Ambien users, take note.) (www.cincy.com, 9-13-10).
A TWO FACED ROBBER
Bank robber Conrad Zdzierak, 30, was successful in his crime spree because cops were searching for a black man, whereas Zdzierak is totally white but wore a high-quality silicone mask of an African-American male. Authorities got a break when a tipster directed them to Zdzierak’s 1996 Volvo getaway car in a motel parking lot. They found Zdzierak hiding naked in his motel room bathroom. In an interview Zdzierak, an emigree from Poland, described himself as having an artist’s soul and struggling to find his place in the world. Judge Melissa Powers told Zdzierak, “You are the type of villain we read about in novels and see in the movies.” Concerned that the public might view him as a racist, Zdzierak vehemently denied such implications. [Cincinnati Enquirer, 5-13-10]
EXOTIC DRIVING
Exotic dancer Christine Hanesley has been charged with dragging a client under her car. Hanesley, who works for Naughty Torsos, was invited to Jai Chu’s house early on Saturday morning. Chu was a valued employee for Ronny’s Tasty Burgers and Booze in Blue Ash. According to police, “something happened” inside the house. When Chu stepped in front of Hanesley’s car to keep her from leaving, she drove right over him and dragged him underneath the car for a mile. When she stopped for gas, a clerk called 911 and reported a body impaled under a car. Ms. Hanesley has been charged with leaving the scene of an accident. Chu, unfortunately, is too dead to enjoy her arrest. [wlwt.com; 8-9-10]
BAD CHILDREN
Pi Beta Tsi Sorority at Miami University has been suspended for one year because of members’ and guests’ bad behavior at their spring formal at Lake Lyndsey Lodge in Butler County. The sheriff’s office was called when their buses arrived and inebriated partygoers were urinating on the roadside in front of passing cars. Many of the students were so drunk that they could barely make their way into the lodge, whereupon they urinated in sinks, tipped over a table of food, vomited and defecated on the floor, hurled crystal vases off a porch to watch them shatter, and had sex in the closets. No Miami sororities or fraternities will ever be welcome at Lake Lyndsey again. [Cinc Enq, 5-12-10]
HAPPY REUNION TURNS SOUR
When long-haul trucker Kevin Nootle returned home from four months on the road, he and his wife Janet McCoy-Nootle went out on the town to celebrate. They seem to have overdone it because, when police were summoned, they found Janet lying in bed, surrounded by seven wildly yelping Chihuahaus, with a large white parrot standing on her face and pecking at her nose and forehead. Mrs. McCoy-Nootle was too intoxicated to speak and was unable to get the parrot off her face. A bleeding Nootle gave police conflicting stories, but it appeared that his wife had tried to rip off his ear. Mrs. McCoy-Nootle was taken to jail where she got even angrier and threatened suicide. If I were Nootle, I wouldn’t come home again for at least four more months. (Cincinnati Enquirer, 4-22-10)
DAYCARE WORKERS ARRESTED FOR ASSISTING SLEEP
Pamela Hurley, 56, of Cleves, and Donna Schott, 41, of Cincinnati have been charged with three counts of child endangering for giving the sleep aid Melatonin to the children in their custody at the Covenant Apostolic Church Day Care in Springfield Township. Police were tipped off by a daycare worker. Prosecutor Joe Detters proclaimed, “Daycare workers are responsible for a very valuable commodity and must be held to a high standard.” We respectfully disagree with the prosecutor and think that Melatonin is probably makes for a peaceful and pleasant day care center. [Cincinnati Enquirer online 3-10-10]
MORE NAUGHTY FRATERNITY PRANKS
Shawn Petrick, a University of Kentucky member of Sigma Alpha Epsalon fraternity, has been sentenced to two years of probation for a prank gone awry. Petrick wrapped fellow student Jon Palochi in toilet paper, then set the paper on fire, with the flames engulfing Mr. Palochi from his toes to his shoulders. Palochi was eventually able to extinguish the flames by rolling on the floor. He did live. It is unknown whether Mr. Petrick would have still gotten probation for his amusing prank had Mr. Petrick been burned up. [Associated Press, 9-24-10]
A MODERN-DAY ROBIN HOOD
Sandy Staley, 50, was taken to University Hospital after he was shot three times with bow and arrows at his home in Elmwood Place. The archer was identified as Harold Spicey, 57. Staley, known in the neighborhood as kind and generous, had taken Spicey in for a few days because he was homeless. The two had argued about Spicey “disrespecting” Staley’s pre-teen daughter. Spicey shot Staley once in his hand and twice in his back, resulting in a punctured lung. Staley played dead, and Spicey left, taking Staley’s car and driving to Alabama. Spicey later turned himself into the police there and is being extradited to Cincinnati for trial. (www.cincy.com. 9/10)
So what does the New Year have in store for the Tri-State? We’ll keep track and let you know.
Love,
Dave
*Pseudonyms used.
G-Mail Comments
-Gayle C-L (12-31): very cool stuff;))) love it....Happy New Year;)))). Love you :)))
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