Thursday, May 19, 2011

We're Ready for the Rapture

Dear George,

We’ve been reading lately about the belief of many Christian groups that Judgment Day is finally going to happen this Saturday, May 21. It’s known in religious circles as “The Rapture”, i.e., the day that Jesus will return to earth and gather up the faithful to transport them to heaven, thereby rescuing them from the period of horrible tribulation on earth that will precede the end of time. Katja and I haven’t worried a lot about this – partly because Jesus probably wouldn’t take us away even if he does arrive – but you know how these things can percolate at the back of your mind.

Recently we’ve started to get anxious about what will happen to Mike and Duffy if we do happen to be whisked away. As far as we can tell, God has no plans to include sheepdogs among the holy few who will be saved (though we personally think our dogs are a lot holier than many humans who will be making the trip).

Lucky for us, we’ve run across a solution. A fellow named Bart Centre from New Hampshire has founded Eternal Earth-Bound Pets (EEBP) which offers an insurance plan for pets who will not be joining their owners in Heaven. Bart is a confirmed atheist, so it’s certain that he will still be hanging around after the Rapture. Likewise, all of his nationwide staff members have declared in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God, and have blasphemed the Holy Spirit in accordance with Mark 3:29 (so they have no conceivable possibility of joining Jesus on the trip).

It looks to me like Bart Centre has developed a very well thought out plan. You can check out the details at They will hold all of a subscriber’s info in complete confidence, and EEBP representatives only get your address, pet names, etc., after the Rapture has occurred. All pets will be placed in loving atheist homes, and subscriptions will be limited to the number of loving homes available (currently a very large number). Though the Rapture will result in extreme chaos and disruption (e.g., see recent tornado and Mississippi flooding reports for a mere inkling), EEBP anticipates picking up all subscribed pets in less than 24 hours. EEBP will arrange for food likes and dislikes, medications, favorite pet toys, and specific care instructions. If Jesus decides not to invite a given pet owner to Heaven, the rejected owner can, of course, stay at home with his or her pet. The total fee for Post-Rapture pet care for ten years is only $135 (paid in advance by cash or credit card). If you have more than one pet – which is very relevant to us, of course – it’s only $20 for each additional loved one. While $135 doesn’t seem like a lot for ten years, the pet care is actually free, and the $135 is only a token fee for travel and web-site expenses and profits. Dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, guinea pigs, and other small mammals are all eligible. In selected Northeastern and Western states, facilities are also available for horses, camels, llamas, and donkeys. Eternal Earth-Bound Pets currently has 258 signed contacts with pet owners, though it appears that there will be a major rush on contracts in the next 36 hours.

May 21, of course, is almost here, so it’s now or never in terms of taking action. Katja’s in charge of dog well-being in our family, and she’s been debating whether to sign them up. Actually, she was making a telephone call behind closed doors last night that she was rather secretive about, and I suspect it was to EEBP. Because Katja is certain that our family in New Orleans will all be going to heaven, she’s also talking about taking out a gift subscription for sweet Titus, their family dog. A really great feature of EEBP is that if the Rapture doesn’t occur precisely on May 21, the contract remains good for a full ten years after that. Of course, the Rapture still might not arrive after ten more years, but certainly a few hundred dollars is a small price to pay for the long-term peace of mind that you get in return.



G-Mail Comments

-JML (5-19): I've been seeing those May 21 signs in New Orleans since Mardi Gras. If it doesn't happen I'm going to make a t-shirt that says something to the effect: "Jesus, I quit. You won't fool me again!" They had a thing on NPR the other day about a group of Christians in the 1920s who thought the world was going to end on a certain day - they all dressed up in their best clothes and waited all night along the Mississippi river levee. Most fell asleep and woke up disappointed.

-Donna D (5-19): david, this was hilarious, really fun! is it true that you and katja have talked about all this or was that part made up? donna

-Jennifer M (5-19): Very funny one! Since I'm quite certain that I won't be taken away, I'll save the money and buy Rosie some new toys.

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