Harry and Pauline
Dear George,
Sadly, our
Autumn quarter poetry writing workshop has come to an end, so I thought I would
share some of my poems of the season. The Chicken Wedding, held almost
half a century ago now, was the biggest event in local TV history. Like
half of Cincinnati, Katja and I stayed home from work to watch it, and I
decided it was time for a commemoration. A couple of these poems were
inspired by Halloween, including a sonnet about my imaginary stepsister,
Morticia. Apart from that fantasy, everything else is as true as pumpkin
pie.
Love,
Dave
The Ballad
of the Chicken Wedding
If you are a
Cincy old-timer
You’ll
remember the Paul Dixon Show
’Twas the
toast of WLW-T
Silly
nonsense as you and I know
Paul Baby was
the Mayor of Kneesville
As corny as
corny could be
He
called it “the dumbest show ever”
And gave out
salami for free
A fan sent a
rubber chicken one day
Paul gave her
the name of Pauline
He held her
up during Kroger ads
Then tossed
her out of the scene
Soon a second
rubber chicken arrived
Paul
announced that Harry was his name
Pauline gave
Harry a winsome smile
Within
minutes she became Harry’s flame
Viewers wrote
in and asked and begged
Will Harry
and Pauline ever marry?
Paul mulled
it over and finally relented
Though at
first he had been rather wary
The wedding
was set for March Eleventh
The year,
Nineteen Sixty-Nine
Paul Dixon
presided over the event
The chickens
were looking so fine
Harry had a
tux with a boutonniere
Pauline wore
a white bridal gown
Paul Dixon
himself wore a black top hat
It was torn
in two at the crown
Bonnie Lou
and Colleen were the matrons of honor
Bob Braun was
Harry’s best man
Marian
Spelman sang the wedding song
Bruce
Brownfield led the house band
This was the
wedding of the century
The people
took a day off from work
Kids skipped
school to see the affair
The
ten-year-olds watched with a smirk
After the
wedding was over and done
The couple
took a white limousine
The reception
was held at the Lookout House
Hundreds came
to see and be seen
The chicken
wedding was a triumph
Number one in
the station’s history
Paul Dixon
always thought that amazing
He found his
appeal a mystery
The cast is
now gone to the Show in the Sky
But Pauline
and Harry remain
Even though
their feathers are tattered and gray
They still
coo love’s ardent refrain
All
Hallows Eve
On Halloween
we shed our normal selves
We dress as
ghosts or pirate kings and queens
Then frolic
with the goblins and the elves
And fill our
sacks with purple jelly beans
But Halloween
is more than tricks and games
For it’s the
night the dead return to life
The witches’
brew is bubbling on the flames
And Dracula
is seeking his sixth wife
The children
ring the bell in search of treats
They’re
clueless about what awaits their fate
Ten snarling
werewolves prowl the city streets
A ghoul
digests the bulbous flesh he ate
I think that
I will stay at home tonight
I’ve worked
myself into a state of fright
My
Stepsister Is A Vampire
You’d never
think it when you first see her
Her eyes are
green, her hair is red and long
But weird
things happen when she’s near a mirror
And two sharp
fangs confirm that something’s wrong
Another fact
is she does not grow old
She’s
ninety-eight but she looks twenty-nine
I touch her
brow and feel her skin so cold
A piercing
shudder races down my spine
She brings
men home and soon they disappear
I ask about
them but she shakes her head
Something’s
going on that is quite queer
Last
Sunday I found three of them stone dead
Despite these
quirks I love my sister true
That’s only
right ‘cause I’m a vampire too
An Ode to
the Lean Cuisine
I’m normally
not a braggart
But I’d say I’m
a very fine cook
I never even
boiled an egg before
Now I think
about writing a book
When our son
lived at home years ago
His mother
made dinner each day
But then he
went off to college
And family
meals went by the way
It was every
cook for himself
Healthy
Choices were first my routine
I picked them
because they were healthy
But then I
learned how to be Lean
Lean Cuisines
are not frozen dinners
One should
view them as frozen cuisines
They’re
invented by the finest chefs in France
Who prepare
them for kings and for queens
There are
over a hundred varieties
Amazing but
that is the truth
They’re so
low in trans fats and calories
It’s like
dining at the Fountain of Youth
There is
Mushroom Mezzaluna Ravioli
Supreme Pizza
and Five-Cheese Lasagna
Stuffed
Cabbage and Baked Rigatoni
Shrimp Pasta
and Chicken Marsala
We always
have forty-plus boxes in stock
They fill the
top half of our freezer
I’m partial
to turkey and salisbury steak
Macaroni if I
feel like a geezer
My favorite,
of course, is Swedish Meatballs
It’s a dish
that my dear mother made
Lean Cuisine
might have stolen her recipe
There are
unsavory tricks in this trade
My culinary
skills are quite polished
First you
open the box at one end
Peel back two
corners of the plastic
Six minutes —
not seven or ten
I eat Lean
Cuisines every noontime for lunch
And then have
a second for dinner
Now that they
have breakfast items too
America will
soon be much thinner
This is the
end of my tribute
Lean Cuisines
are the star of our times
I wish I
could think of more to say
But I seem to
have run out of rhymes
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