The Chicken Wedding and Other Flights of Fancy

Harry and Pauline

Dear George,

Sadly, our Autumn quarter poetry writing workshop has come to an end, so I thought I would share some of my poems of the season.  The Chicken Wedding, held almost half a century ago now, was the biggest event in local TV history.  Like half of Cincinnati, Katja and I stayed home from work to watch it, and I decided it was time for a commemoration.   A couple of these poems were inspired by Halloween, including a sonnet about my imaginary stepsister, Morticia.  Apart from that fantasy, everything else is as true as pumpkin pie. 

Love,

Dave

The Ballad of the Chicken Wedding

If you are a Cincy old-timer

You’ll remember the Paul Dixon Show 

’Twas the toast of WLW-T

Silly nonsense as you and I know

Paul Baby was the Mayor of Kneesville

As corny as corny could be

He  called it “the dumbest show ever”

And gave out salami for free

A fan sent a rubber chicken one day

Paul gave her the name of Pauline

He held her up during Kroger ads

Then tossed her out of the scene

Soon a second rubber chicken arrived

Paul announced that Harry was his name

Pauline gave Harry a winsome smile

Within minutes she became Harry’s flame

Viewers wrote in and asked and begged

Will Harry and Pauline ever marry?

Paul mulled it over and finally relented

Though at first he had been rather wary

The wedding was set for March Eleventh

The year, Nineteen Sixty-Nine

Paul Dixon presided over the event

The chickens were looking so fine

Harry had a tux with a boutonniere

Pauline wore a white bridal gown 

Paul Dixon himself wore a black top hat 

It was torn in two at the crown

Bonnie Lou and Colleen were the matrons of honor

Bob Braun was Harry’s best man

Marian Spelman sang the wedding song

Bruce Brownfield led the house band

This was the wedding of the century

The people took a day off from work 

Kids skipped school to see the affair

The ten-year-olds watched with a smirk

After the wedding was over and done

The couple took a white limousine

The reception was held at the Lookout House

Hundreds came to see and be seen

The chicken wedding was a triumph

Number one in the station’s history

Paul Dixon always thought that amazing

He found his appeal a mystery

The cast is now gone to the Show in the Sky

But Pauline and Harry remain

Even though their feathers are tattered and gray

They still coo love’s ardent refrain

All Hallows Eve

On Halloween we shed our normal selves 

We dress as ghosts or pirate kings and queens 

Then frolic with the goblins and the elves

And fill our sacks with purple jelly beans

But Halloween is more than tricks and games

For it’s the night the dead return to life

The witches’ brew is bubbling on the flames

And Dracula is seeking his sixth wife

The children ring the bell in search of treats

They’re clueless about what awaits their fate

Ten snarling werewolves prowl the city streets

A ghoul digests the bulbous flesh he ate

I think that I will stay at home tonight           

I’ve worked myself into a state of fright

My Stepsister Is A Vampire

You’d never think it when you first see her

Her eyes are green, her hair is red and long

But weird things happen when she’s near a mirror

And two sharp fangs confirm that something’s wrong

Another fact is she does not grow old           

She’s ninety-eight but she looks twenty-nine 

I touch her brow and feel her skin so cold

A piercing shudder races down my spine

She brings men home and soon they disappear

I ask about them but she shakes her head

Something’s going on that is quite queer

Last  Sunday I found three of them stone dead 

Despite these quirks I love my sister true

That’s only right ‘cause I’m a vampire too

An Ode to the Lean Cuisine

I’m normally not a braggart           

But I’d say I’m a very fine cook

I never even boiled an egg before

Now I think about writing a book

When our son lived at home years ago

His mother made dinner each day

But then he went off to college

And family meals went by the way

It was every cook for himself

Healthy Choices were first my routine

I picked them because they were healthy

But then I learned how to be Lean

Lean Cuisines are not frozen dinners

One should view them as frozen cuisines

They’re invented by the finest chefs in France

Who prepare them for kings and for queens

There are over a hundred varieties

Amazing but that is the truth

They’re so low in trans fats and calories

It’s like dining at the Fountain of Youth

There is Mushroom Mezzaluna Ravioli

Supreme Pizza and Five-Cheese Lasagna

Stuffed Cabbage and Baked Rigatoni

Shrimp Pasta and Chicken Marsala

We always have forty-plus boxes in stock

They fill the top half of our freezer

I’m partial to turkey and salisbury steak

Macaroni if I feel like a geezer

My favorite, of course, is Swedish Meatballs 

It’s a dish that my dear mother made

Lean Cuisine might have stolen her recipe

There are unsavory tricks in this trade

My culinary skills are quite polished

First you open the box at one end

Peel back two corners of the plastic

Six minutes — not seven or ten

I eat Lean Cuisines every noontime for lunch

And then have a second for dinner

Now that they have breakfast items too

America will soon be much thinner

This is the end of my tribute

Lean Cuisines are the star of our times

I wish I could think of more to say

But I seem to have run out of rhymes