Letters for George: January 2021

DEAR GEORGE, I’ve been having the same dream for years and years. All of a sudden it dawns on me that I rented a hotel room a year ago in another city, and I’d stored my huge book collection there. I’d forgotten to pay the rent on the room, and now the bill has run into the tens of thousands of dollars. I want my books badly but I can’t imagine paying this amount of money. Usually I wake up in a panic when I’m unable to figure out a solution. What this dream has to do with, I’ve decided, is my and Katja’s accumulating endless possessions over many decades and having to figure out what to do with them before we run out of time. The photos above illustrate the problem. I took these a few weeks ago in my second floor room. It’s been my home office since the late 1970’s as well as a warehouse for all sorts stuff I’ve collected since that time from yard sales and flea markets. Dogs and cats, elephants, soldiers, cowboys, angels, Statues of Liberty, superheroes and villains, jazz musicians, skeletons, ducks, Marilyn Monroe figures, Disney characters, sports trophies, birds, pumpkins, Santas, and many other categories of interest. I didn’t have any system to my collecting other than a rule that nothing in my room should cost more than twenty-five cents. There are a few exceptions, but, by and large, I stuck to my rule. By the late 1980’s I started collecting antique and vintage postcards, and soon my room was lined with steel file cabinets which held my burgeoning collection. Then, perhaps a dozen years ago, everything became completely out of control. I just started putting new acquisitions haphazardly in ever-growing piles in the middle of the floor. I’ve thought many times over the years about doing some house-cleaning, but the task has seemed insurmountable. I’ll do it when I retire, I thought, but now twelve years have gone by since that milestone. Recently we learned that we needed to have a house appraisal in order to renegotiate a home equity loan. The idea of an appraiser coming in and inspecting my catastrophic room horrified me. So I started working on my clean-up task. Now, after twenty-two days, I’ve made major progress. Among other things, I’ve taken about twenty boxes of treasures to the Goodwill. I have to admit that this was a very engaging and satisfying pursuit. Katja says that it’s the most concentrated work that I’ve done since I retired. However, big tasks still remain. If my room was out of control, our attic is even worse. I think that will be the next phase of my activity. It will probably keep me busy for the rest of the pandemic, and, when I get done, I will be ready to re-enter the world of the living. Below are pictures of how my de-cluttered room looks now. I hope I can keep it this neat and orderly. LOVE, DAVE

Dear George, Having grown up in a small town of about 10,000 (and a “metro” area of 25,000), I now live in a place where there’s about 100 times as many people and, consequently, 100 times as many amazing, weird, horrible, and heartwarming news stories. I keep track of these during the year and select the “best” (i.e.,quirkiest) at year’s end. I think, because of the pandemic and most people sheltering in place, 2020 may not have been as newsworthy as most years. At least it wasn’t in our household. However, here are some stories that should tickle one’s fancy. Love, Dave

PCH SCAM Lavernia Jilson and her mom Anna Willcox were thrilled when they got a letter from Publisher’s Clearing House saying that Anna had won $3 million. The letter explained that she would receive the $3 million in the next few weeks. Till then PCH was sending a $6,000 check to cover her insurance and attorney fees. Following instructions, Williams deposited the $6,000 check in her PNC bank account and sent $5,000 of it to the “attorneys”. Days later the bank reported that the $6,000 PCH check was no good, that Williams had overdraft fees, and that she would have to return $5,000 to them before she could access her account. Since Williams has no money, she is praying that the bank can help her with the $5,000 she sent off. (wcpo.com, 1-3-20; note: pseudonyms used throughout )

TOILET PAPER ROBOT Procter & Gamble previewed new inventions at the 2020 Consumer Electronics Show. The star of the show, created by the Charmin division, was a little robot called the RollBot. When you are sitting on the toilet and find yourself short of toilet paper, you can use your smartphone to activate RollBot, and he/she/it will roll in and bring you a fresh roll. (barrons.com, 1-5-20)

SEX OFFENDER BROUHAHA AT THE UNIVERSITY Former Title IX coordinator Andie Golderg has brought a sex discrimination suit against the university after she publicly addressed the university’s honoring a sex offender graduate with a “triumph cord” for overcoming adversity. According to Goldberg, her investigation “threatened to cause significant embarrassment” to the university and its upper level administrators. The student in question was convicted as a sex offender at a prior school and reportedly was accused by 11 victims. Students at the university wrote, “let’s not support rapists in 2019.” Goldblum’s supervisor said that she was asked to resign because of insubordination. (cincinnati.com, 1-8-20)

SILENT BOOK CLUB Cincinnati’s first silent book club, likely to appeal to introverts, has begun meeting at the Taste of Belgium in Over-the-Rhine. The idea was started by two friends in 2012 who didn’t like traditional book clubs and who met to read in companionable silence at a neighborhood bar. Book lovers are invited to the Cincinnati chapter to bring their own book and read in silence. Everyone is welcome. (wlwt.com, 1-11-20)

RUNNING MUSIC FESTIVAL The nation’s first running music festival will be held at Cincinnati’s Coney Island Amusement Park. The fun run includes a music-filled course with live DJs, light shows, bubble zones, and neon and black lights. It’s not a timed race, and participants can decide to run, walk, skip, or dance. Once they cross the finish line, there will be a party at the main stages which will include lights, fog, confetti, and giveaways. (wlwt.com, 1-22-20)

FIONA’S SUPER BOWL PREDICTION Our zoo arranged for its famous young hippo, three-year-old Fiona, to make a prediction for the Super Bowl. Presented with two enrichment items, one with a Kansas City Chiefs logo and one with a San Francisco Forty-Niners log, Fiona nuzzled the Chiefs item but then promptly vomited on it. The zoo concluded that her prediction is clear: Team San Francisco. (cincinnati.com, 1-31-20)

LOST HOODIE When Harvel Girdner, age 32 of Northside, lost his hoodie, he called police 25 times to get their help in finding it, using different locations for police to respond to. When the police arrived each time, Girdner asked them for a ride around town to try to locate his hoodie. Determining that he was intoxicated, police suggested that he go to bed, but he was arrested after the 25th call. (cincinnati.com, 2-3-20)

GOOD SEX Cincinnati ranked number four in the nation in Men’s Health Magazine’s list of most sexually satisfied cities, just behind neighboring Indianapolis. Columbus, and Fort Wayne. The rankings are based on birth rates, condom and sex toy sales, and STD rates. The news report doesn’t clarify whether high or low STD rates are counted toward sexual satisfaction. (local12.com, 2-15-20)

DRUNK WITH GUNS Greater Cincinnati resident, Furdie Webber, 50, of Clermont County brought a case to the Ohio Supreme Court to carry and shoot firearms when drunk. Weber’s wife called 911 when he was drunk with a shotgun, and police came and confiscated it. Weber said that is a violation of his 2nd amendment rights. His lawyer posted on Facebook that the Colonists were probably drunk when they faced the British in battle. (cincinnati.com, 2-20-20)

GUNSHOTS IN BETHEL The police in Bethel, a small village in nearby Clermont County, received two reports of gunshots in Bethel. At 4:30 on Tuesday a man called from Skyline Chili, stating that four people in a white sedan had shot him. Police determined that he was “suffering some type of psychotic episode.” Six hours later a woman told dispatchers she had been shot in the shoulder. When police arrived they determined that she had been bitten by some type of insect. She was treated and released. (cincinnati.com, 2-20-20)

KILLED THE GOAT TOO Russell Hendly III, 49, of nearby Carlisle is accused of trespassing into his next door neighbor’s garage, stealing their truck, doing donuts on their front lawn, and strangling the family’s pet goat to death. When deputies found Henderson naked in the truck with the radio playing at full volume, he explained that he did it because God instructed him to do so. (wsmemory.com, 3-12-20)

SEX TOY BOOM With multiple states announcing stay-at-home orders because of the coronavirus, Cincinnati-based Pure Romance reports that its sex toy sales are up 88 percent this week compared to a year ago. What else are people to do when they’re stuck at home. Maybe we’ll see the baby boom that health officials have been talking about. (cincinnati.com, 3-27-20)

SORE LOSER After an undisclosed number of drinks, Carter Zimmerly, 55, of Florence, KY, challenged his juvenile son to an arm-wrestling contest. After multiple arm-wrestling losses, Zimmerly became agitated, got his gun, and fired two shots into the ceiling. The house was surrounded by several SWAT teams, but Zimmerly refused for eight hours to surrender. Finally he was taken to a local hospital for evaluation. (cincinnati.com, 7-6-20)

BAD STYLING JOB Alysia Jeckson, 20, of Winton Hills came to North College Hill to have her hair done by Danica Thomas, 20. Jackson became “extremely upset with how her hair had been styled,” left the house, got into her car, and drove into the yard, striking Thomas who “flew backwards into the air” and hit the ground, causing injuries to her back and legs. Jeckson fled the scene and was arrested two days later. Thomas has been released from the hospital, but she has trouble walking and will need physical therapy. (cincinnati.com, 9-1-20)

COWS ON THE LOOSE Three cows got loose from a farm in the area and wandered onto the highway, closing westbound Interstate 74 to northbound I-275. Area police spent a couple of hours trying to corral the cows who were eating on the highway median. A police officer commented, “Honestly, they probably would have been fine if we had kept going, but the last thing we want is someone to hit a cow.” (cincinnati.com, 12-2-20)

MONKEY SLAVE LABOR PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) dumped a truckload of cocoanuts at Kroger headquarters in downtown Cincinnati. They are asking Kroger to stop doing business with a Thai brand that uses chained monkey slave labor to pick coconuts used in its coconut milk products. A spokesperson said, “These monkeys are denied everything that makes their lives worth living.” (citybeat.com, 12-3-20)

WORLD’S WORST SITTER The FBI arrested 29-year-old Ryan McDonald for possessing and transporting child pornography. The FBI discovered McDonald through a messenger group called “Toddlers”, members of which exchanged hundreds of videos and images of child rape. McDonald has actively sought work as a babysitter over the last decade, posting ads n SitterCity.com, care.com, and craigslist.org. Currently he was communicating with a Louisville family to provide childcare. (cincinnati.com, 12-8-20)

TOGETHERNESS FOREVER Police arrested husband and wife Robert Rickson, 35, and Kanya Stalworthy, 39, on charges of abusing a corpse. Police found the corpse of a man in their apartment who had died about 10 weeks ago. The couple placed clothing over the body, sealed the room he was in, and used a spray to try to cover up the smells. Thus far the police have not identified who the man is, although Stalworthy’s son, Dominic, 19, has not been seen since the date of the death. (cincinnati.com, 12-8-20)