2023: OUR NEW YEAR'S NEWSLETTER

 
Dear George, 

It’s time once again to wrap up another year. I’d say 2023 has to be an outstanding year because, to our happy surprise, we’re still hanging in there. We got an e-mail from the Cincinnati Art Museum which listed the year’s highlights month by month. The seemed a good way to organize stuff so I did the same for Katja and myself. Here is our 2023 story. 

Love, 

Dave 

JANUARY. Katja came down with Covid but recovered in time to begin our winter quarter OLLI courses. Katja did literature and history; David, poetry writing. We bought a giant TV for the den and watched the Bengals lose to the Chiefs in the AFC Championship game. 

FEBRUARY. We enjoyed Greek and Roman Mythology at OLLI and “Beyond Bollywood” at the Art Museum. At my annual wellness exam the doctor said I am “85 young,” and he actually agreed to give me an Rx for 24 Lorazepam to help sleep. 

MARCH. We celebrated the arrival of spring with fish dinners at Bonefish Grill, the Oakley Fish Market, and Red Lobster. We got the very sad news that our daughter-in-law K’s mom Linda died. 

APRIL. I was the only student at my Zumba class for the third week in a row and decided it was time to discontinue. Katja loved King Charles’ coronation on TV, and we enjoyed Rachmaninoff and Shoshtakovich at the Symphony. The cardiologist said I was doing fine and added, “Don’t screw it up.”

    

MAY. I did terribly on my first hearing test in several years but got some new hearing aids which did help a lot. J sent flowers for Mother’s day and urged me to get a Covid test (which turned out positive, much to my surprise). Because of Covid, we cancelled our flight to New Orleans to attend our grandkids’ graduation. 

JUNE. The visiting nurse tested me for dementia and I remembered all three words perfectly (chair, banana, sunrise). We watched a lot of French Open tennis, including finals victories by Swiatek and Djokovic. We went to East Lansing for Linda’s memorial service and hung out with our sweet family. Having experienced severe jaw pain, Katja had oral surgery to extract an under-the-gum wisdom tooth. 

JULY. Lots of Wimbledon this month. My dentist moved her office from next door to our house to a half mile away, good for walking and exercise. I started exploring Bard, Google’s artificial intelligence chatbox, asking Bard to write poems about this and that (only so-so as a poet). We celebrated my 86th birthday at the Chart House, enjoying the Cincinnati skyline view across the Ohio River. Our son J cancelled his planned trip to Cincinnati because of family sickness. 

AUGUST. On her way from Richmond to Albequerque, our friend Jennifer stopped by for a get-together. The retinal specialist said my left eye was doing o.k., didn’t need surgery. Katja and I celebrated our 63rd anniversary (amazing) at La Bar A Boeuf. 

SEPTEMBER. We were happy that our favorites, Gauff and Djokovic, won their U.S. Open Finals. Pianist Sara Daneshpour was wonderful at Matinee Musicale. We saw an excellent women’s photography show at the Taft Museum. Quarterback Joe Burrow, who missed the preseason with an injury, was rocky in his first few games with the Bengals. 

OCTOBER. The plasterer fixed our living room wall. J came for a visit, and we ate at Skyline Chili twice, did multiple thrift shops, and saw art shows at the Art Museum, the Miller Gallery, and Hebrew Union’s Skirball Museum. Katja had a second oral surgery (the first one was botched), and, because of a paperwork screw-up, our insurance wouldn’t cover anything and we wound up paying a huge amount out of pocket. 

NOVEMBER. Big election victories for the Democrats. After months of terrible pain, the insurance company finally approved Katja’s epidural, and she is a new woman. Joe Burrow injured his wrist and is out for the season. J, K, A, and L flew up from New Orleans for a Thanksgiving visit, and we had a great time. I discovered jazz singer Andrea Motis on YouTube. 

DECEMBER. We celebrated Katja’s birthday at La Bar a Boeuf. J sent beautiful flowers. The furnace guy found that the raccoons had done a lot of damage to our ducts. Backup quarterback Jake Browning led the Bengals to three victories in a row before a Steelers collapse. Ami and Bruce sent Zabar’s delicacies, and David and Susan sent See’s Candy for Christmas. We enjoyed the Charles White exhibition at the Art Museum and made New Year’s dinner reservations at La Bar a Boeuf to celebrate a very good year.

Love,

Dave 

GROWING UP IN CLIFTON: A PHOTO TOUR BY J.L.

Dear George, 

Our son J flew up from New Orleans for a long weekend last month, and we had a great time. One of the afternoons he and I walked around our Clifton neighborhood, and J recounted his memories into his cell phone. Here is what he had to say. 

Love, Dave 

J.L.:  My dad and I are doing a project where we talk about childhood experiences in Clifton.  So I am going to document all these spots.  

So here we are at Skyline Chili on Ludlow.  Skyline, for all people born in Cincinnati, is a very special place.  It’s the number one comfort food for Cincinnatians.  When I look at this Skyline, I’ve been here a million times.  I used to come here after tennis matches.  We’d sometimes come here for dinner.  It’s right across the street from Adrian the Florist where I always get flowers for Mom on Mother’s Day.  It’s right across from the little fountain at Burnet Woods which really wasn’t there when I was a kid. 

Burnet Woods has a small hill.  Walking down or sliding down in the winter and then walking through that path to the open area with the picnic tables, the natural history museum, and the lake.  

We’re approaching the house that has my first memories at on Clifton Avenue.  3507 Clifton Avenue.  And, my bedroom was in the back of the house and there was a door that went to the back yard at the driveway where I was always a little bit scared that someone could enter the house from the back right into my room.  So that was a little scary.  I also remember the house had a beautiful painting on the ceiling.  Like cherubs and little babies and angels on the ceiling.  And I also remember that Mom had a room that she wouldn’t let me in.  She had a special room, her office I guess.  And I remember my neighbor, Tom W.  He was my pal.  We would run around in the back yard.  I also remember having my bike stolen there once.  I think I left it in the front yard.  It was stolen very quickly.  Maybe like  the day I got my bike.  Soon after I got my bike.  I also remember learning how to skateboard.  This was at the beginning of the skateboard era.  Those little plastic narrow skateboards.  One time I skated down the driveway and I had to make an incredibly fast turn to escape getting into traffic.   At least it felt very dangerous and fast and unsafe.  And that was my first close call with death.  So lots of fond memories of being in the yard, riding my bicycle, being on the skateboard, getting a ride on the motorcycle with you.  I see now that there’s a big gate in the front.  There was no gate back in the day.  And hanging out with Tom in his yard.  He had a great yard too.  There’s a lot of space back there.  And I remember going to grade school, walking up Clifton Avenue, maybe a quarter of a mile.  A very nice place to grow up.  I was about seven when we left Clifton Avenue.    

So right next door to 3507 is the apartment building which didn’t really mean anything to me until later in life when my grandparents lived here from Philadelphia.  And they stayed there and we would have get-togethers.  Mom would be there all the time, visiting my grandparents.  They had a neighbor here at 310 Bryant who was a Holocaust survivor and who recounted his experience in the Holocaust and that was totally fascinating to me.  He was actually, I believe, at Auschwitz and had some very harrowing stories.  

Across the street from 310 Bryant is Emanuel Church.  This was the entrance to the preschool.  My main memories of Emmanuel were having my finger smashed.  I guess it was Jessica G.  She slammed the door on my finger, and I had to go to the hospital.  I also remember getting bullied by some kid and being traumatized by that.  And, um, that’s pretty much it.  I guess that was a pretty traumatic place, getting physically and emotionally traumatized at Emmanuel Preschool.  

And Annunciation I always felt was a weird place.  I just didn’t understand the origin or the idea of Catholic school.  I always thought growing up that private schools were for people who weren’t smart enough to be at regular public school.  I don’t know where I got that idea.  But I just looked down at kids who went to private school.  Like they were different kids in some way.  I guess I invented that idea.  

I do remember the Unitarian Church over there.  And I do remember going there different times for events or services.  Oh, you know what, there was a day care there during the summer that I went to.  Like a camp.  I feel that I spent some time there, some group activities.   

So now we are approaching Clifton School.  Clifton Elementary School which is now known as the Fairview German Language School.  So it’s a new building, but I think the format is the same.  The parking lot is the same area, and I remember spending a lot of time.  There was a fence over there, and we would hang out by that fence by the parking lot.  And I remember Miss Williams, my teacher.  A very nice teacher, who was sort of firm but loving.  And I remember playing a lot of Four Square.  That was the main sport that we played.  And the main thing I remember about elementary school in this building was passing some test at the end of the year.  I felt some real pressure to do well on this test because if I didn’t score almost like a perfect score I wouldn’t get into the honors program at the next level when I went into seventh grade.  I’m pretty sure that’s the case.  I just remember high stakes.  High stakes as a third-grader.  

Then fourth, fifth, and sixth grade at the big school.  Again I mainly remember the playground, hanging out, a group of boys hanging out in the back.  We called ourselves the Wolves.  We thought we were a gang.  That was exciting.  We played a lot of dodge ball.  We played a lot of kick ball.  A lot of four square, a lot of tinder ball.  

I would do summer camp here at the Rec Center.  We would hang out in that playground area, playing sports.  And I don’t feel that I had any life-altering experiences here.  So looking at the parking lot at the Rec Center — oh, it’s filled.  We used to come and play basketball here, you and me.  That was a happy time.  I had lots of happy feelings here.  

When we moved to Ludlow, I would walk this way to get home, up Middleton.  So I guess around age 8 or 9 you started taking me to Crosley Tower to hit some tennis balls against the wall.  And we would go to Digby where you and Irv Greenberg would place tennis, and occasionally I would hit some balls.  I guess we would go to Crosley Tower to warm up there.  I guess I would come to the tennis court and watch you guys play tennis for one hour or two hours.  And you would take me out to Digby and we’d do drills.  I would sometimes get cranky.  What I really loved about Digby in my memory is that the balls would go out of the court and they would go down this big hill and you and I would go into the forest and scavenge for balls.  We would get tons and tons of balls.  And other things.  Sometimes we’d find interesting garbage or whatever.  That was a fond memory.  And I recall if you went all the way around to the bottom of the hill there was sort of a green space down there.

And I always liked this hill right here.  This hill seemed really steep.  Like climbing Mt. Everest every day.  And we’re coming up on the street where Irv Greenberg lived.  Wood Street.  And I have some nice memories of Wood Street.   There’s the Greenberg house.  It’s a small house.  This house seems too small in my memory.  And the only exciting thing that happened to me walking home to Ludlow on Middleton was during the winter once me and some friends were walking and a car drove by and my friends had this great idea of throwing snowballs.  And as the car passed we lobbed snowballs which would go onto the windshield.  So we would be behind the car and throwing as they were moving away from us.  And the idea was to get snowballs to land on their windshield and we succeeded perfectly.  And it must have stunned the driver because he stopped suddenly and backed up really fast to try to come after us.  They knew who did it.  And it scared the crap out of me at least.  The other kids were laughing but I ran away really fast.  So he didn’t or she didn’t pursue us.  But it was a little scary.  That was my brush with being a juvenile delinquent.  That’s about as bad as it got.  

Around that period we also spent a lot of time at the zoo.  I don’t have any particular stories about the zoo other than just being there.  And seeing the tigers, seeing the monkeys, seeing the lizards.  And we also spent a lot of time at the Natural History Museum.  It was in this great building, like a castle.  It was a pretty neat building, and I did like it.  Mainly I liked the building.  As I recall, there were skeletons of wooly mammoths and other ancient creatures that don’t exist any more.  

This was the house of my teacher from preschool.  It is a nice building.  I’m thankful they were my teachers because when I was being traumatized they would take me to the hospital.  When Jessica G. was smashing my finger.  I remember being pretty hysterical, and they had to hold me down and it was a large, well-cushioned woman who sort of buttressed herself against me to hold me down which felt kind of overwhelming. 

I do remember feeling like there were cool kids in the neighborhood that kind of scared me.  There was a kid named C*** H***  He was a bad kid, he was a little rough.  He never singled me out for bullying, but he seemed like kind of an 80s movie of cool kids that bully other kids.  And he used to spend a lot of time at the arcade in Corryville, and I was always too scared.  I maybe went there one or two times, but it was pretty overwhelming.  

I do remember going to Northside and going thrifting and going to other thrift stores around town.  I guess we’ve been doing that my whole life.  Whenever we went to Menominee you would do research and we’d have an outing and go to yard sales.  I don’t remember that as much in Cincinnati.  

Now we’re standing on Ludlow opposite the Esquire Theater,  right next to the grocery store.  Kitty corner to Graeters.  These are all some of my favorite places.  I don’t have particular stories to tell but these are the places I wanted to go to when I first came home to Cincinnati.  I do remember that the Esquire was a porn theater where they used to have big posters in front that were provocative and titles that were really inappropriate.  Was Ludlow like Times Square back then?  It’s kind of crazy.  I don’t think that that would fly today.  And I remember that Stier’s Pharmacy was right over there.  Mom would go there all the time, or we’d have stuff delivered from there.  And I remember Keller’s IGA.  I remember going there and shopping all the time.   And then there was the Golden Lion.  And that was a gay bar when I was growing up.  And there was a lot of mystery around that place.  The kids in elementary school were pretty titillated by the concept of a gay bar.  Back then there weren’t that many gay bars, I guess.  And now there’s gay bars everywhere, but back then it was a really strange idea.  It seemed that way to a fifteen-year-old.  

Now we’re standing in front of the old library.  It’s no longer a library.  It’s an open concept wine cafe.  We spent a lot of time.  We would go to the library all the time, I guess.  Super-easy to get to.  We would get DVD’s and VHS movies.  When I was really small I would get childrens’ books there.  I went to story-time there.  There was one particular story-teller who I saw numerous times.  I think you would make an effort to get me to go there.  

I remember there was a place called Acropolis where the Tap Room is now.  It was a Greek restaurant, I would have Hero sandwiches there in high school almost every day.  Especially in the summer time.  I’d take my money and go got a Hero sandwich because I loved that so much.  

Here we are, approaching our house.  It’s funny how you only remember the kind of dramatic or traumatic things.  When we first moved here I was throwing snowballs at the stop sign, and a man stopped and flashed me.  We called the cops.  That’s one early memory I have of this house.  And then I remember playing with matches and sticking it in a hole in the floor, and my parents smelled smoke and they asked me if I’d been playing with matches and I said, “No, no, absolutely not.”  And they called the fire department, and three large fire trucks came to our house and an ambulance and a cop or two, and I was interviewed by the fire department.  And I remember spending a lot of the early years hanging out in the neighbor’s yard, going on the top of the garage, and jumping off the top of the garage into the yard.  And I remember when I started playing tennis I would hit tennis balls agains the wall.  I don’t recall getting any complaints about it.  Maybe I timed it so I was doing it when people weren’t home.  And I remember our rabbit coop in the back.  And I remember a dog got loose and scared one of our rabbits so badly that he had a heart attack and died.  I remember you building a snow bunny in the front yard every year.  A really big snow bunny in the front yard.  That was kind of neat.  And I also remember you had a circular fence, and we’d have the bunny in the front yard, in the front yard, and we’d hang out in front.  And the bunny, Thumper,  would hang out there.  Yeah, I love this house.  

And that’s my experience in Clifton.  My wrap-up statement is that Clifton was a really great place to grow up.  I didn’t know what it was like until I was past my childhood, but when I look back I have a lot of fond feelings.  There was a real neighborhood with a lot of businesses and a lot of fun things to do.  I don’t think I had much of a sense of architecture or an aesthetic sense, but it’s such a pretty area.  So green and the architecture’s so neat.  Just as an adult I appreciate that.  (THE END OF THE TOUR) 

SWEET MARCH, THE SEASON OF HOPE AND NEW BEGINNINGS

 
Dear George, 

It’s 67 here on March first, with a predicted high today of 76. The sky is sunny, the daffodils are blooming in our garden, and the newly sprouting grass on our lawn is a handsome green. In some ways March is the most exciting month of the year. It signals the end to the snow and ice that have made dog walking a little perilous and makes outings to the zoo and the city parks more enticing. True, we have more frost and a few chilly storms to go, but this is definitely a season of hope and new beginnings. Here are some of the many interesting things about March. 

Some Basic March Facts.  In the early Roman calendar March was the first month of the year. It was named after the Roman god Mars because it was the month in which generals resumed military campaigns which had been interrupted by the winter. It’s also the start of the season for farming, and many societies still celebrate March as the beginning of the New Year (which is how it feels to me today). The Anglo-Saxons called it Hlyd monath (Stormy month) or Hraed monath (Rugged month). The Vernal Equinox is on March 20th this year, marking the beginning of Spring and the day on which day and night have the same 12-hour length. Daylight Savings Time starts on March 12th. (d) 

March in Cincinnati.  March is a transition month, winding up winter and beginning to move toward summer. Compared to the year as a whole, March is cooler, wetter, and less sunny than the average month in Cincinnati. It’s the fourth snowiest month of the year (averaging 4.5 inches). We typically get rain on ten days during the month. Sixty-three percent of March days are cloudy, 20% are partly cloudy, and 17% are sunny days free of clouds. The average high temperature is 55, the average low 34. March is the windiest month of the year in Cincinnati with winds averaging 11 m.p.h. (a) 

Quirky March Holidays.  March 1 is “National Pig Day”, and March 2 is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day?” “National Fanny Pack Day” is on March 11, and March 13 is “National Open an Umbrella Indoors Day”. Some celebrate “National No Selfie Day” on March 16 which is the same day as “Absolutely Incredible Kid Day”. March 20 is the “International Day of Happyness”. On the more serious side, Purim begins on March 6th and St. Patrick’s Day is March17th. (d) 

March Madness.  March is the number one month of the year for college basketball fans since it’s the time for March Madness, the NCAA tournament in which the nation’s 64 best teams compete to become the national champion. As a consequence, it’s also the most unproductive month of the year for businesses in America because of all the time workers spend on office betting pools. It’s estimated that some companies lose up to $1.9 billion because of wasted time during March Madness. Because the surgical procedure requires staying home for recovery (presumably on the couch in front of the TV), the first week of March Madness also sees the highest number of vasectomies of any week in the year. (e) 

Poets born in March: Elizabeth Barrett Browning (Mar. 6, 1806); Paul Verlaine (Mar. 30, 1844); A. E. Housman (Mar. 26, 1859); Robert Frost (Mar. 26, 1874); Dr. Seuss (Mar. 2, 1904); Robert Lowell (Mar. 1, 1917); Lawrence Ferlinghetti (Mar. 24,1919); Jack Kerouac (Mar. 12, 1922); Frank O’Hara (Mar. 27, 1926); Gregory Corso (Mar. 26, 1930); John Updike (Mar. 18, 1932). (c) 

March in My Childhood.  After the war our family moved out of town to our house on the Menominee River. Ice on the river melted, broke up, and flowed toward the bay in late March. My parents named the day “Chinese Bells Day” because of the wonderful tinkling sounds from the moving ice. Steve and I tried to rescue treasures from the river that the ice had torn from the banks. We made our last snowmen of the season in March, and I spent less time shoveling our hundred-yard driveway. The melting snow caused deep muddy ruts on Riverside Boulevard, and we’d usually get several days off from school in March because the road was impassable. 

March Nowadays at Our House.  Because of the warming temperatures our dog Iko will get to enjoy longer walks. Katja will go to Rahn’s Greenhouse to buy trays of pansies, and the gardener will begin working on the front and side of our house in earnest. We will watch the Oscars on March 12th, and we’ll celebrate World Poetry Day that same day too. We’ll see the new pottery exhibition by Roberto Lugo at the Art Museum (opening on March 17th), take in the Frank Stella prints at the Skirball Museum (opening March 23), and go to the Dayton Art Institute’s show on artists from Taos and Santa Fe in the 1920’s and 30’s. My OLLI classes in Advanced Poetry and Greek and Roman Mythology wind up in mid-March, and we’ll plan for the Spring quarter. We’ll go to the Linton Concert and the symphony, and Katja and I will each attend our writing groups. I hope to take my first camping trip of the year by the end of the month. 

A March Quote:  "March is a tomboy with tousled hair, a mischievous smile, mud on her shoes and a laugh in her voice.” (Hal Borland, writer) (b) 

 SOURCES:  (a) city-data.com, “Cincinnati, Ohio”; (b) louisem.com, “70 Inspiring March Quotes to Welcome a Marvelous Month”; (c) marchbirthdaysofpoets.wordpress.com, “March Birthdays of Poets”; (d) random-times.com, “The Month of March: holidays, fun facts, folklore and more”; (e) rd.com, “14 Facts You Probably Never Knew About the Month of March”; (f) thefactsite.com, “20 Marvelous Facts About March”; (g) wikipedia.org, “March”.

WRITING CLERIHEWS: CINCINNATI CELEBRITIES

Dear George, 

A clerihew is a short funny poem about a famous person. The form was invented by poet Edmund Clerihew Bentley (1875-1956) when, at age 16, he was bored in a science class. Rules are simple. Clerihews are four lines long. The first line names a person, and the second line rhymes with the first. Also the third and fourth lines rhyme with each other (i.e., an AABB rhyme pattern). A good clerihew captures something of a person’s character or reputation. The main aim is to sum up an entire life through one incident or detail, making fun of the person. Clerihews are not intended to be rude, but rather are amusing and/or silly. Lines can be any length, and one needn’t use rhythm. W.H. Auden is among the many poets who have written clerihews. Here are some of the clerihews I’ve written about Cincinnati celebrities, current and past. 

Love, 

Dave 

The Bengals’ head coach is Zack Taylor 

Has the mindset of Vlad the Impaler 

Zack draws up the plays for Joe Burrow 

Blazing rockets shot straight down the furrow 

Chef Jean-Robert de Cavel 

Attracted a hip clientele 

The crown prince of French cuisine 

He knew what to do with a bean 

A living legend, hometown hero Pete Rose 

Had gambling debts up to his nose 

Banned for life from the Hall of Fame 

Pete fortunately is impervious to shame 

We all of us remember Nick Clooney 

A most charming man, slightly goony 

Was he likeable?, believe it, Mister 

Though less famous than his son or his sister 

Channel 5’s a.m. star was Paul Dixon 

Way back in those days of R. Nixon 

Paul teased the front row about their knees 

Gave Bonnie Lou and Colleen a squeeze 

Our Reds star these days is Joey Votto 

Hitting better is what Joey ought to 

’Twas a worse than lackluster season 

The wise guys say old age is the reason 

UC’s prez is Dr. Neville Pinto 

Engineering’s the field he’s been into 

Neville’s minions — fifty thousand young students 

All but ten are chronic impudents 

The Reds were once owned by Marge Schott 

Fans prayed that she’d sweeten the pot 

Stupid thoughts about Hitler and Blacks 

But her players soft-pedaled the attacks 

The Bearcats’ best coach was Luke Fickell 

But Luke left the team in a pickle 

Wisconsin wooed our Luke away 

Eight million, hard to say neigh 

The sheriff for years was Simon Leis 

A tough nut who ruled by caprice 

No one ever called Simon humane 

Since his treatments were spankings and pain 

The worst native son is Charlie Manson 

Who was famed at Walnut Hills for his dancin’ 

Manson ordered his groupies to kill 

And they all seemed to think it a thrill 

My first love was Miss Doris Day 

Though Rock Hudson got in my way 

Doris was guileless and pure 

Not to mention her golden coiffure 

Cincy’s cowpoke, a Rogers named Roy 

Such a hero to me as a boy 

Roy would have a shootout with some goon 

Then would croon by the light of the moon

THE BEST CINCINNATI NEW STORIES OF 2022

 

Dear George, 

The population of Menominee County where my home town is located and is about 23,000 while Hamilton County which includes Cincinnati has 826,000 people. Consequently there are about forty times as much of everything in Cincinnati than in Menominee — poor people, rich people, homicides, suicides, vegetarian restaurants, tobacco shops, you name it. As a “small town guy,” I am always amazed by our local news in Cincinnati. Here are my choices for “best” stories in 2022 (where “best” means most amusing, strange, etc.). 

Love, Dave 

 THE AFTER SCHOOL SATAN CLUB 

 Local parents were disturbed when the Lebanon City Schools approved meetings of the “After School Satan Club” for children in the first through fifth grades. The club is sponsored by the Satanic Temple whose organizers say that the Satan Club is an alternative to the Good News Club, an evangelical organization that offers Bible and faith lessons after school. The Satanic Temple does not really believe in Satan but instead promotes “scientific rationality”. Lebanon parents aren’t convinced. (cincinnati.com, 1-21-22) 

DETAINED FOR BEING BLACK 

Two police officers were called to a suburban Meijer store to look for an accused shoplifter described as a white man in his 30s, wearing a dark green jacket with a red hoodie. They promptly stopped a 60-year-old Black man, Arik Lindsey*, who was wearing an orange down coat and a brown and tan scarf. Lindsey’s lawyer said its another instance of a Black person being confronted by law enforcement merely for going about his or her daily life. (cincinnati.com, 2-4-22) 

COACH WYCHE WILL BE AT SUPER BOWL 

Sam Wyche, coach of the last Bengals Super Bowl team in 1989, died of cancer in 2020 at age 74. However, his daughter, Callie Wyche, has brought his ashes and bobblehead to each of the Bengals playoff games, and she’ll have him sitting in front of the TV screen in Cincinnati for the Super Bowl. She’s not sure whether her dad has had a role in the team’s wins, but she’s not taking any chances. (cincinnati.com, 2-9-22) 

 BAD INMATE MANNERS 

Ryan Stock, 24 of Green Township, was jailed for kidnapping a man and shooting him three times in the head when he couldn’t give Stock and his colleagues $5,000. Disgruntled in jail, Stock used a bottle to spray “wet feces” on three different deputies. He is currently undergoing competency tests to see if he understands the charges against him. (cincinnati.com, 2-27-22)  

FAKE DAUGHTER ENDS SOMEONE ELSE’S FATHER’S LIFE 

When Elicia Malthus arrived at the hospital in Edgewood to visit her dying father, Donald, she was told that Elicia Malthus was already in the room visiting him. The impersonator, Marissa Jenkins, 23, signed in as Elisha Malthus and advised staff to remove life support. Marissa was not related to Donald Malthus but was his “ex-stepfather’s sister’s girlfriend’s child” and referred to him as “uncle”. Malthus died the following morning. Jenkins has been charged with identity theft and forgery. Police are also investigating the theft of $2,900 in cash from Malthus’ wallet in the hospital room. (wlwt.com, 4-1-22) 

NOT REALLY SATAN’S DOING 

Southbound I-75 drivers this week probably noticed that a billboard for “The Chosen”, a web series about Jesus, has been defaced. The graffiti artist drew heart-shaped glasses on Jesus’ face and wrote “Stupid Plots” on the billboard. As it turns out, the vandalism was the work of the series’ producers who altered billboards nationwide to promote “The Chosen”. The series co-founder said it only made sense to have the Devil attack Jesus, and he hopes that fans enjoy the humor of this gag. (cincinnati.com, 4-20-22) 

 BAD BOYFRIEND 

Pat Hickey of Clermont County pled no contest to having burnt down his own house and frame his girlfriend. The fire was caught on home security camera which showed two people entering the house with gas cans and removing two large TVs. Hiceys had purchased a custom-made mask of his girlfriend’s face from a company called “That’s My Face” and wore it during the arson. While Hickey did not go to jail, he was required to pay $400K back to the insurance company. (wlwt.com, 4-27-22) 

CRIMINAL JUDGE 

Garda A. Stuckey, 61, of suburban Wyoming, a candidate for juvenile court judge in Hamilton County, has had over a dozen run-ins with local police in the last decade. These include instances where she was found walking topless in her community or lying comatose in a parking lot. Most of the time police or witnesses describe Stuckey as intoxicated and disoriented. Police have made numerous runs to her home for “domestic trouble”, and she has been charged with child endangerment. Democratic party officials chose not to endorse Smith, saying “She did not fit the level of expertise and professionalism that we would expect.” (cincinnati.com, 4-29-22) 

 MUCH TOO YOUNG DRIVER 

A 7-year-old boy was alone in a red Kia SUV, driving in the eastbound lanes of Roosevelt Boulevard in nearby Middletown. He then crossed the median, entered the westbound lanes, struck a guardrail, and crashed into a parked red jeep. Bystanders helped get the boy out of the car after the crash. His parents, unaware that he had left the house, joined him at the hospital. (cincinnati.com, 5-13-22) 

 PURE EVIL Cincinnati police officer Erik Wertha was reassigned and then fired for having “pure” and “evil” tattooed on his right and left knuckles. Department policy forbids tattoos on the face, neck, head, and hands. Wertha appealed, saying that the tattoos do not represent “pure evil” but are on different hands and symbolize the struggle between good and evil. He will not have the tattoos removed because of the cost of cosmetic surgery. (wlwt.com, 6-7-22) 

 MEALS NOT YUMMI 

Anastasia Shinster and Sachar Wilson weren’t happy with their meals at Yummi Xpress on Reading Road in Roselawn and wanted their money back. Wilson sucker punched an employee in the face and kept asking Shinster to shoot him. Shinster then pulled a gun out of her purse and shot the restaurant owner in the arm. Both are due in court on Monday. (local12.com, 7-23-22) 

HELPING THE BENGALS WIN 

 An Enquirer sports columnist during the Bengals win streak asked readers: “What did you do to make the Bengals win again?” Here are some of their rituals. (1) I stopped watching the games live. (2) I stand up and scream on important plays. (3) Put my left leg over right for offense; right leg over left for defense. (4) Keep the remote and phone about a 30 degree angle next to each other on the couch arm. (5) Wear my gold chain every game. (6) Set the volume to 24 on my TV and 19 or 21 in my truck. (7) Wear the same sweatshirt for each home game and never wash them. (8) Don’t wear any Bengals gear. (cincinnati.com, 12-15-22) 

 *Pseudonyms used throughout.

FOOTBALL REVERIES

Dear George, 

        It’s amazing and wonderful that the Bengals have reached the Super Bowl. In recent months I’ve been falling prey to the pandemic, gloomy and listless because of our restricted and uneventful lives. Then, suddenly, the world became filled with magic again, and I have Joe Burrow and teammates to thank for the transformation. All the excitement has reminded me that football is one of the very few things that have been a continual part of my life since middle childhood. I grew up fifty miles north of Green Bay, Wisconsin, and, of course, all my home town residents were and are avid Packer fans. Star receiver Don Hutson was my first athletic hero when I was seven or eight. We kids spent a lot of afternoons playing football at Triangle Park, and my brother Steven and I practiced passing, catching, and kicking in our front yard. My parents bought me a leather football for my eleventh birthday, and, because I was the only kid in sixth grade with his own football, my associates urged me to bring it each day to play at lunch hour. I was more than happy to do so. However, the principal appointed me Captain of the Safety Patrol, charged with arranging for the sixth grade boys to take daily turns as crossing guards. My peers immediately made it clear that, since I got to wear the badge of Safety Patrol Captain, I would have to do their turns as crossing guards while they played ball. They also made it clear that if I disagreed I’d get beaten to a pulp. It was one of my early lessons about the hidden burdens of being in charge of stuff. 

         Being in a small town in a rural environment, high school football was one of the main local attractions. In junior high we raced down the hallways when the bell rang to be first in line at the cafeteria and get out quickly to play ball on the lawn. I think I had my clearest sense of having grown up was when I started going to Friday night football games on my own with my junior high friends. The biggest local event of the year was the annual M&M game in late November between the Menominee Maroons and the Marinette Marines, the high school in our twin city across the river. This was the oldest interstate public school rivalry in the nation. Emotions ran so high that as teens we were cautioned not to drive to Marinette with our Michigan license plates because our cars would be vandalized. 

         When I went to college, phys ed was required of all freshmen, and at the first class the coach asked us to divide ourselves into three groups, based upon football experience: The “Advanced” group was for skilled players who had been on their high school varsity teams; “Intermediate”, those who had played football but were more who average in skill; and “Beginners” who barely knew the rules of football. My non-athletic roommate Bud, a brash New Yorker from the Bronx, assigned himself to the Advanced group, even though he’d never touched a football, confident that he would pick the game up easily and deserved to play with the best. I, on the other hand, not certain whether I knew all of the rules of the game, assigned myself to the Beginners group, despite having played thousands of hours of football. It was an interesting lesson in the vagaries of self-evaluation. 

         My college didn’t have inter-collegiate sports team, but instead had an extensive intramural sports program, and my freshman hall fielded a football team in our first quarter on campus. One of my friends, Arnie Projansky, was captain of the team, and he assigned me to the role of kick returner on punts and kickoffs. I was more than reluctant since several other hallmates were faster runners, but Arnie was insistent, deciding it would be good for me. I wasn’t very successful in gaining yardage, but I felt good about never dropping a kicked ball. 

         After college we went off to graduate school at the University of Michigan. Having gone to a small liberal arts school, I was completely skeptical about going to a large public university, especially a Big Ten school with all the implications of Greek life, partying, and big-time sports hoopla. However, we did get free student tickets to U of M football games, and, out of curiosity, my wife and I went to the first game of the season. Caught up in the crowd of 100,000 crazed fans, cheerleaders, the marching band, etc., we became immediate converts, and we never missed a home Michigan game. During those same years my parents arranged for tickets to Green Bay Packers games when we returned home during Christmas vacations. We got to see several Packers games during the Vince Lombardi Super Bowl era. Bart Starr, Paul Hornung, Jim Taylor, Jerry Kramer, and other legends. We practically froze to death at Lambeau Field, but I still count those Packer games among the highlights of my life. 

         We came to Cincinnati in 1966, and Paul Brown founded the Bengals a year later, so we’ve been Bengals fans from the start. Tight end Bob Trumpy lived in our apartment complex, and he did several question-and-answer sessions with residents which gave us a more personal connection to the team. We moved from Finneytown to Clifton in the early 1970’s, and I started tossing footballs in the back yard to my son J when he turned six. I’d step back one yard with every toss, and he’d never miss, catching the ball at 25 or 30 yards or more. When our backyard got too small we moved across the street to the bank parking lot. After a month or so we came out one day and the bank had erected a steel fence so we couldn’t get in. I thought it was an unnecessarily expensive way to keep fathers and sons from throwing footballs in the parking lot. Now it’s fifty years later, our son is tossing footballs to his own teenage kids, and we’re still following the Bengals. Lots of ups and downs with the home team over the years, but the 2022 Super Bowl is the pinnacle. It’s been worth the wait.

Love,

Dave

BEST CINCINNATI NEWS STORIES OF 2021

 

Dear George, 

While I grew up in a town of ten thousand, Greater Cincinnati’s population is over 200 times greater, and consequently there are 200 times as many newsworthy events each year. Many of these border on the weird, silly, or perplexing. Here are my favorites for 2021 (note: pseudonyms used throughout). 

Love, 

Dave 

 ANTI-VALENTINE’S DAY 

 In support of people who plan to hold an anti-Valentine’s Day celebration to purge themselves of past relationships, Cincinnati’s Junk King company is sponsoring a “Dump Truck” in suburban Blue Ash. People are invited to dump all reminders of their ex-lovers, from photos and stuffed animals to clothes and jewelry. For each item dumped, Junk King will donate $1 to the American Heart Association. (local12.com, 2-3-21). 

 BAD WIFE 

Linda Cretch, 67, has a parole hearing next month for her life sentence for murdering her husband. Cretch shot her husband, Walter, in the head, then wrapped his body in a rug and kept him in the basement before finally burying him in their backyard. She enlisted the help of her three young children, a neighbor, and her father-in-law with digging the hole on the pretense of fixing drainage issues and planting grass seed. Cretch then went on a spending spree. Her father became suspicious about the backyard hole, dug it up, and found Walter’s body a week later. (cincinnati.com, 2-5-21) 

 FOLLIES OF YOUTH 

A 15-year-old boy is facing criminal charges, accused of secretly recording video footage in a girls’ locker room at his high school. Two girls found the boy’s phone on a pipe in the rafters during a swim meet, and it was recording video. Minutes later the boy came to the locker room and asked if anyone had seen his phone. The girls gave the phone to the authorities, and the boy now faces three counts of attempted voyeurism. He was not successful in capturing any illicit images. (cincinnati.com, 2-18-21) 

CORN FLAKES WITH A KICK 

U.S. Customs officers in Cincinnati reported finding 44 pounds of cocaine-coated cornflakes that had been shipped from Peru to a Hong Kong home. A narcotics detection dog named Bico alerted officers to the package. The corn flakes had an estimated street value of $2,922,400. (wlwt.com, 2-19-21) 

 SALES SURGE 

Cincinnati’s Gorilla Glue company has been in the news a lot, even making Saturday Night Live, ever since Tessie Brawn tried catastrophically to straighten her hair with Gorilla Glue. Local fans worried that the bad publicity would harm the company. Quite to the contrary, Google searches of “Gorilla Glue” are up 50%, and national sales have more than doubled. It’s not clear whether recent buyers are using the product on their hair. (wcpo.com, 2-19-21) 

 BAD MAN UNDER THE BED 

A Cincinnati mother of a teenage girl discovered that a 20-year-old man had been living under her daughter’s bed for three weeks. Jared Wight from Barberton met the girl on instagram. He came out during the night to have sex, take nude photos, and then return to his hideaway. Authorities charged him with three counts of rape and child pornography. (cincinnati.com, 3-18-21) 

 GUN COUNTRY 

According to federal authorities, Addyston police chief Darian LeCour, 65, procured hundreds of machine guns under the guise of testing them for police use, then sold them to two Indiana gun dealers who resold them for a profit. One of the guns with a vehicle-mounted M2 .50 caliber machine gun designed to be used against armored vehicles and low-flying aircraft. Chief LaCour faces 5-10 years in prison on each of 17 counts. (cincinnati.com, 3-26-21)

 MISSING MONKEYS 

Sammy Trinch reported to the police that she saw at least five monkeys across from her home near St. Joseph’s Cemetery on West Eighth Street. Her neighbor Lucy Griffin recorded a video, although the quality is grainy. Trinch said the video shows three monkeys in a tree, but there were two more on the ground. Another woman said she saw one of the monkeys. “I was right here and it was standing over by the garbage can…Its arms were real skinny.” Police responded the next day but only found owls mating — a noise that could sound like monkeys. The Cincinnati Zoo said that none of their monkeys were missing, leaving the monkey mystery unsolved. (wlwt.com, 4-16-21) 

 WORST MOTHER EVER 

 Brittany Gorney, 29, and her boyfriend, James Hamil, 42, are charged with murder, kidnapping, endangering children, and abuse of a corpse. The couple hog-tied Gorney’s three kids, tying their hands and feet, and placing a cloth material in their mouths for a period of hours. Later they drove the three children to the Rapid Run Wildlife area in order to abandon them. Six-year-old James grabbed the door handle as Gorney sped off. When she returned 40 minutes later, she found James dead. They put the body in the car with the other children, kept it at home for 48 hours, then tied it to a concrete block and dumped it into the Ohio River. The body hasn’t yet been recovered. Brittany pled not guilty by reason of insanity. (wlwt.com, 4-26-21) 

 EIGHT ARRESTS THIS YEAR 

Cassandra Richards, 28, of nearby Blanchester was arrested for the eighth time in a year after at an incident at Gold Star Chili. Richards came to the store to demand a refund for food and was asked approximately 20 times to leave the premises. When employees called the police, Richards went outside, opened the drive-thru window, and tried to climb through. She resisted arrest and repeatedly banged her head against the interior of the police cruiser while being taken to jail. Richards already faced nine criminal trespassing charges, one aggravated menacing, one possession of drug paraphernalia, and six resisting arrest. (local12.com, 4-1-21) 

 CICADA CRASH 

Vince Bingram, 20, of New Richmond was driving his 2017 Chevy Cruze along Riverside Drive during the dinner hour when a cicada flew in through his open car window and struck him in the face. Bingram lost control and crashed into a pole, totalling the car. The cicada stayed in the back seat. Bingram was not alone. Cincinnati police reported responding to four different local crashes involving cicadas. (10tv.com, 6-9-21; wlwt.com, 6-11-21) 

 BB ATTACKS 

Sisters Brittany Hepper, 29, and Kelsy Hepper, 28, and driver David Wright, 30, were arrested for shooting at homeless people from their car in downtown Cincinnati and Over-the-Rhine with BB guns. The results were recorded by cameras on the scene which led police to the car. The Heppers had spray-painted the hood of the car to avoid detection, but their effort was unsuccessful. Both Hepper sisters face assault charges. (wcpo.com, 6-9-21) 

 GREAT CINCINNATI CICADA ROBBERY 

This month marks the 34th anniversary of the Great Cincinnati Cicada Robbery. According to police reports, two men walked into the Grand Slam Restaurant brandishing a cicada. They thrust the bug at the cashier Marquita Kellagg, 22, who then fled from her post. Later, after Ms. Kellagg had recovered and returned to the register, she found that it was missing $25. The cicada robbers were never found. (cincinnati.com, 6-19-21) 

 THE MAGNETIC VACCINE LADY 

Republican State Rep. Jennifer Grotch of West Chester helped spread the claims of Dr. Sherry Tenperry when she invited the doctor to testify before the Ohio House Committee in support of “Vaccine Choice”. Tenperry reiterated her claims that COVID-19 vaccines turn people magnetic and “interface” with 5G cell towers. The publicity promoted a slew of social media videos of vaccinated people trying to get spoons to stick to their noses. (citybeat.com, 7-15-21) 

 OUR NEW HIPPO 

Tucker, an 18-year-old Nile hippopotamus, arrived at the Cincinnati Zoo from the San Francisco. He will be the new boyfriend of 22-year-old Bibi, and they have begun to spend time by the pool bonding and sharing beets, squash, melons, and hay. Male hippos are typically 1,000 pounds larger than females. Also, when pooping, they spin their tails like a propeller and spray feces everywhere. A big mess for keepers in the hippo barn. (wlwt.com, 9-17-21) 

 NEEDS A HUG 

40-year-old Trenton Antonio Fortey of North College Hill was arrested after stabbing his mother multiple times with a kitchen knife while she laid in bed in an apartment. His mother, Vanessa Quarreles, was pronounced dead at the scene. Booked into the Hamilton County Justice Center, Fortey asked Sgt. Marc Drones for a hug. When Drones asked why, Fortey responded, “Because I stabbed my mother.” (cincinnati.com, 12-20-21)

Idiot or Heartless Wretch?

Dear George, 

The other night I took our dog Iko out for his late evening walk. Earlier I’d brought the trash and recycling bins out to the curb for morning pick-up. As I came down the driveway I noticed a middle-aged man in a leather jacket and sporty cap holding his cell phone flashlight and going through envelopes, letters, and papers from our recycling bin. When I approached, he turned and walked away. Iko and I headed in the opposite direction. 

 I was puzzled for a second, but then it dawned on me that he was looking for correspondence containing personal information, whether for identity theft or some other nefarious purpose. While I very rarely do so, I was sufficiently annoyed that I went to our “NextDoor” neighborhood website when I got home and recounted the incident. I titled my message “Recycling Thief”. It read, “‘Tonight there was a middle-aged man rummaging through our recycling bin. I assume he was looking for credit card information or the like. I mention this to remind people to be careful of putting items in their recycling that might have personal information.” 

 My post was apparently provocative, garnering 144 comments in the first 48 hours. Perhaps this is a record for Next-door, at least for our neighborhood. Five of the responses agreed with my account and thanked me for sharing my tip. The other 139 couldn’t seem to decide if I were an idiot or a heartless wretch. The vast majority pointed out that I was totally mistaken in my interpretation and that this was simply a person who was collecting aluminum cans to resell for a few pennies apiece, a commonplace and harmless activity. I’m not sure why 75 or 80 people had to make the same point, but everybody wanted to get their two cents in. One NextDoor member said that I’d written “the paranoid post of the day”. Some reported knowing the man — “a kindly old gentleman.” Many added that the man was probably a homeless person. Aluminum can proceeds would help him find shelter in this freezing weather or get something to eat, with the added implication that I was a heartless wretch. One person said if I couldn’t tolerate someone collecting aluminum cans I’d discarded, perhaps I should think about contributing to a homeless shelter. 

 The vast majority, of course, rejected my label of a “recycling thief”. Many said that going through people’s recycling and trash containers is completely legitimate and legal. Once trash is put at curbside, they said, it is in the public domain and open to anyone. Several respondents proudly disclosed that they are “dumpster divers” themselves. A few better-informed readers cited a Cincinnati ordinance which defined removal of items from trash and recycling bins as illegal. But even when people were aware of the law, they said that it is rarely enforced, and one should simply assume that strangers will go through one’s trash. 

 I had thought of my post as a public service announcement, reminding people to be careful about their recyclables, but hardly anybody seemed to take it this way. Several commented that only “idiots” would put valuable personal information in their recycling bin, and many gently explained to me that I should buy a shredder and shred my personal documents. (Actually we have a shredder but we haven’t used it since it got filled up several years ago.) One person conjectured that I seem to be the sort of person who puts valuable personal stuff in my recycling bin. Another said that if I am putting credit card information info in the recycling bin, I deserve to have it stolen. 

 Aside from acquiring a community reputation as a nitwit, I’m not losing too much sleep over my online experience. Most of the replies were not hostile, presumably because people simply thought me naive or stupid. And this sort of collective outcry happens all the time on our NextDoor website. Actually the hoopla was largely my own fault. If, instead of saying the man was “rummaging through our recycling bin, I’d said something like “going through envelopes and letters”, a lot of confusion would have been avoided. Having been burned once, I’m ambivalent about posting anything on our Next-door website in the future. There is always the risk of being verbally molested by a horde of strangers. On the other hand, perhaps I could say something that would repair my miserable public persona. 

Love, 

Dave

Is Someone In Danger?

DEAR GEORGE: Because of being isolated during the pandemic, I find myself seeking social contact by paying more attention to my neighbors’ conversations on our local NextDoor website. While much of the discussion is about dog poops, lost pets, or people not shoveling their sidewalks, every now and then there is a topic which grabs my attention. This happened the other day when Janelle P. posted a comment titled, “Is someone in danger?” Janelle explained that she regularly drives by a local home that has an American flag flying upside down from the flagpole. It makes her uneasy but she’s not comfortable knocking on the door to check it out. She wonders if it’s a silent call for help. Perhaps someone who is being abused or is being held captive. Since it’s illegal to fly an American flag upside down, it could well be a life or death situation. Danny D. replied promptly, explaining that an upside down flag is a “universal sign of distress”, just like SOS. He agreed with Janelle that flying the flag that way is a very serious issue. He suggested law enforcement needs to do a wellness check on the owner and the property. Not everybody agreed with this suggestion however. Pete J. said that with all the unarmed people getting killed by police who come to their door, calling the police should be a last resort. Martha K. thought it better to call the VFW or the DAR. Jason B. suggested asking a concerned neighbor to check, saying, “Hey I wanted to make sure you’re aware your flag is upside down.” Malcolm L. said that years ago his grandmother’s neighbor, who was a veteran, hung his flag out every morning. When he hung it upside down one morning, his neighbors were worried. They checked on him and found he’d had a stroke, probably just as he was hanging the flag. Thank goodness the neighbors checked. Apparently confused, Peggy G asked, “What exactly is the purpose of this post? I’m trying to figure out how it helps our neighborhood.” Linda K. simply concluded, “The USA is in trouble.” Janelle then updated her original post, reporting that she did call the police and asked them to do a wellness check. According to Janelle, “the dispatcher made it obvious she thought I was a little crazy…and maybe I am.” Alex P. said, “Good Job Janelle!” The discussion took an abrupt turn when Martha S. reported that she knows of two houses on her street that fly the American flag upside down in response to Biden being elected president. It is their way of saying that our country is in distress. Max J. said he has no use at all for the protest message, but he doesn’t deny their freedom to express their opinion. A lot of other people agreed with this. Bobby R. then revealed that he hangs his flag upside down. “It’s to symbolize our countries distress becuase we no longer have a democracy since the election was clearly hacked and stolen. Dark times we live in.” Bobby’s disclosure pretty much ended the discussion, and Janelle cancelled the thread, noting that 50% of her neighbors think her a quack job and 50% think her observant and caring. She thanked all for their opinions and helpful suggestions. I was sorry the conversation came to an end, but the mystery had been solved. LOVE, DAVE

Best Cincinnati News Stories of 2020

Dear George, Having grown up in a small town of about 10,000 (and a “metro” area of 25,000), I now live in a place where there’s about 100 times as many people and, consequently, 100 times as many amazing, weird, horrible, and heartwarming news stories. I keep track of these during the year and select the “best” (i.e.,quirkiest) at year’s end. I think, because of the pandemic and most people sheltering in place, 2020 may not have been as newsworthy as most years. At least it wasn’t in our household. However, here are some stories that should tickle one’s fancy. Love, Dave

PCH SCAM Lavernia Jilson and her mom Anna Willcox were thrilled when they got a letter from Publisher’s Clearing House saying that Anna had won $3 million. The letter explained that she would receive the $3 million in the next few weeks. Till then PCH was sending a $6,000 check to cover her insurance and attorney fees. Following instructions, Williams deposited the $6,000 check in her PNC bank account and sent $5,000 of it to the “attorneys”. Days later the bank reported that the $6,000 PCH check was no good, that Williams had overdraft fees, and that she would have to return $5,000 to them before she could access her account. Since Williams has no money, she is praying that the bank can help her with the $5,000 she sent off. (wcpo.com, 1-3-20; note: pseudonyms used throughout )

TOILET PAPER ROBOT Procter & Gamble previewed new inventions at the 2020 Consumer Electronics Show. The star of the show, created by the Charmin division, was a little robot called the RollBot. When you are sitting on the toilet and find yourself short of toilet paper, you can use your smartphone to activate RollBot, and he/she/it will roll in and bring you a fresh roll. (barrons.com, 1-5-20)

SEX OFFENDER BROUHAHA AT THE UNIVERSITY Former Title IX coordinator Andie Golderg has brought a sex discrimination suit against the university after she publicly addressed the university’s honoring a sex offender graduate with a “triumph cord” for overcoming adversity. According to Goldberg, her investigation “threatened to cause significant embarrassment” to the university and its upper level administrators. The student in question was convicted as a sex offender at a prior school and reportedly was accused by 11 victims. Students at the university wrote, “let’s not support rapists in 2019.” Goldblum’s supervisor said that she was asked to resign because of insubordination. (cincinnati.com, 1-8-20)

SILENT BOOK CLUB Cincinnati’s first silent book club, likely to appeal to introverts, has begun meeting at the Taste of Belgium in Over-the-Rhine. The idea was started by two friends in 2012 who didn’t like traditional book clubs and who met to read in companionable silence at a neighborhood bar. Book lovers are invited to the Cincinnati chapter to bring their own book and read in silence. Everyone is welcome. (wlwt.com, 1-11-20)

RUNNING MUSIC FESTIVAL The nation’s first running music festival will be held at Cincinnati’s Coney Island Amusement Park. The fun run includes a music-filled course with live DJs, light shows, bubble zones, and neon and black lights. It’s not a timed race, and participants can decide to run, walk, skip, or dance. Once they cross the finish line, there will be a party at the main stages which will include lights, fog, confetti, and giveaways. (wlwt.com, 1-22-20)

FIONA’S SUPER BOWL PREDICTION Our zoo arranged for its famous young hippo, three-year-old Fiona, to make a prediction for the Super Bowl. Presented with two enrichment items, one with a Kansas City Chiefs logo and one with a San Francisco Forty-Niners log, Fiona nuzzled the Chiefs item but then promptly vomited on it. The zoo concluded that her prediction is clear: Team San Francisco. (cincinnati.com, 1-31-20)

LOST HOODIE When Harvel Girdner, age 32 of Northside, lost his hoodie, he called police 25 times to get their help in finding it, using different locations for police to respond to. When the police arrived each time, Girdner asked them for a ride around town to try to locate his hoodie. Determining that he was intoxicated, police suggested that he go to bed, but he was arrested after the 25th call. (cincinnati.com, 2-3-20)

GOOD SEX Cincinnati ranked number four in the nation in Men’s Health Magazine’s list of most sexually satisfied cities, just behind neighboring Indianapolis. Columbus, and Fort Wayne. The rankings are based on birth rates, condom and sex toy sales, and STD rates. The news report doesn’t clarify whether high or low STD rates are counted toward sexual satisfaction. (local12.com, 2-15-20)

DRUNK WITH GUNS Greater Cincinnati resident, Furdie Webber, 50, of Clermont County brought a case to the Ohio Supreme Court to carry and shoot firearms when drunk. Weber’s wife called 911 when he was drunk with a shotgun, and police came and confiscated it. Weber said that is a violation of his 2nd amendment rights. His lawyer posted on Facebook that the Colonists were probably drunk when they faced the British in battle. (cincinnati.com, 2-20-20)

GUNSHOTS IN BETHEL The police in Bethel, a small village in nearby Clermont County, received two reports of gunshots in Bethel. At 4:30 on Tuesday a man called from Skyline Chili, stating that four people in a white sedan had shot him. Police determined that he was “suffering some type of psychotic episode.” Six hours later a woman told dispatchers she had been shot in the shoulder. When police arrived they determined that she had been bitten by some type of insect. She was treated and released. (cincinnati.com, 2-20-20)

KILLED THE GOAT TOO Russell Hendly III, 49, of nearby Carlisle is accused of trespassing into his next door neighbor’s garage, stealing their truck, doing donuts on their front lawn, and strangling the family’s pet goat to death. When deputies found Henderson naked in the truck with the radio playing at full volume, he explained that he did it because God instructed him to do so. (wsmemory.com, 3-12-20)

SEX TOY BOOM With multiple states announcing stay-at-home orders because of the coronavirus, Cincinnati-based Pure Romance reports that its sex toy sales are up 88 percent this week compared to a year ago. What else are people to do when they’re stuck at home. Maybe we’ll see the baby boom that health officials have been talking about. (cincinnati.com, 3-27-20)

SORE LOSER After an undisclosed number of drinks, Carter Zimmerly, 55, of Florence, KY, challenged his juvenile son to an arm-wrestling contest. After multiple arm-wrestling losses, Zimmerly became agitated, got his gun, and fired two shots into the ceiling. The house was surrounded by several SWAT teams, but Zimmerly refused for eight hours to surrender. Finally he was taken to a local hospital for evaluation. (cincinnati.com, 7-6-20)

BAD STYLING JOB Alysia Jeckson, 20, of Winton Hills came to North College Hill to have her hair done by Danica Thomas, 20. Jackson became “extremely upset with how her hair had been styled,” left the house, got into her car, and drove into the yard, striking Thomas who “flew backwards into the air” and hit the ground, causing injuries to her back and legs. Jeckson fled the scene and was arrested two days later. Thomas has been released from the hospital, but she has trouble walking and will need physical therapy. (cincinnati.com, 9-1-20)

COWS ON THE LOOSE Three cows got loose from a farm in the area and wandered onto the highway, closing westbound Interstate 74 to northbound I-275. Area police spent a couple of hours trying to corral the cows who were eating on the highway median. A police officer commented, “Honestly, they probably would have been fine if we had kept going, but the last thing we want is someone to hit a cow.” (cincinnati.com, 12-2-20)

MONKEY SLAVE LABOR PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) dumped a truckload of cocoanuts at Kroger headquarters in downtown Cincinnati. They are asking Kroger to stop doing business with a Thai brand that uses chained monkey slave labor to pick coconuts used in its coconut milk products. A spokesperson said, “These monkeys are denied everything that makes their lives worth living.” (citybeat.com, 12-3-20)

WORLD’S WORST SITTER The FBI arrested 29-year-old Ryan McDonald for possessing and transporting child pornography. The FBI discovered McDonald through a messenger group called “Toddlers”, members of which exchanged hundreds of videos and images of child rape. McDonald has actively sought work as a babysitter over the last decade, posting ads n SitterCity.com, care.com, and craigslist.org. Currently he was communicating with a Louisville family to provide childcare. (cincinnati.com, 12-8-20)

TOGETHERNESS FOREVER Police arrested husband and wife Robert Rickson, 35, and Kanya Stalworthy, 39, on charges of abusing a corpse. Police found the corpse of a man in their apartment who had died about 10 weeks ago. The couple placed clothing over the body, sealed the room he was in, and used a spray to try to cover up the smells. Thus far the police have not identified who the man is, although Stalworthy’s son, Dominic, 19, has not been seen since the date of the death. (cincinnati.com, 12-8-20)