SIXTY-FIVE

 

Dear George, 

We have to grapple with such large numbers these days. Sixty-five. That’s the wedding anniversary that we celebrated yesterday at La Bar a Boeuf. I can’t imagine our marriage being that long. Subjectively I would think twenty-five, maybe thirty years. Where did all that time go? 

Our wedding was on the Antioch campus in Yellow Springs on August 28, 1960. After a one-night honeymoon in downtown Dayton, we packed up and set off for graduate studies at the University of Michigan. I think of our Ann Arbor stay as our honeymoon years. We were so excited to be married and tried to figure out how to do everything together. Initially we decided to make joint decisions on all purchases (e.g., groceries, toothpaste, furniture). This proved burdensome, however, so we decided that Katja (as the more adult member) should make all purchases (a decision that I wish we’d thought more about). 

In 1966 we moved to Cincinnati where I’d taken a job as a faculty member in the Departments of Psychology and Sociology at the University of Cincinnati. This was a hard time on Katja and consequently on our marriage. We’d been equal peers throughout our undergraduate and graduate studies, but now, suddenly, I was “the Professor” and she was “the Professor’s wife”, an appellation shared by most faculty spouses. I became immersed with my career, while Katja was trying to figure out what to do next. 

All that changed in 1969 when Katja gave birth to our son, Justin. We were enthralled with our new kid, and parenting together gave new meaning to our marriage. Our newfound family became the center of our life. By age eleven Justin had taken up competitive junior tennis. He was very successful, and Katja and I became maniacal tennis parents. Our child’s athletic success spilled over into good feelings about our family as a whole. 

In 1987 Justin left for college, and we became “empty nesters”. While that meant more time together, we’d been a “threesome” so long that now we felt incomplete. Katja, however, had returned to school and gotten an M.S.W. degree, taking a job as a social worker at the Cincinnati Association for the Blind. We both were busy with our careers. 

The biggest subsequent change in our married lives was when we retired, I in 2009 and Katja i 2011. Such a dramatic change in our lives. Among other things we were together virtually all of the time and had near-complete freedom in what we wanted to do. I think of these retired years as one of the happiest and most fulfilling times in our marriage. I can’t even remember a time in recent years that we’ve quarreled. As we get older, we’re subject to more medical problems, but we’re both there for each other with care and support. We are very lucky to have lived together so long, and I look forward to our future wedding anniversaries. 

Love, 

Dave

KATJA'S FALL

 

Dear George, 

I was sitting in the solarium reading the newspaper when I heard Katja scream for me from the kitchen. I rushed in and was startled to find her lying on the floor, limbs askew, her face pressed against the floorboards. She had been walking toward the sink, was suddenly overcome with dizziness, and had fallen flat on her face. It was a struggle trying to help her get up because her left leg was in excruciating pain. She made it to a dining room chair an inch at a time, and I went to get the walker that we’d stored in the basement from a previous hospital stay. Katja was frightened that she’d broken her leg or that she may have damaged her titanium knee implant. Thanks to our elevator, Katja made it upstairs to bed. We thought about calling 911 but decided to wait until the morning to see how things went. This was Friday, July 19. 

Katja didn’t experience pain if she kept her leg perfectly still, and she slept during the night. In the morning, though, her pain was even worse. She woke up crying, frightened that she might never walk again. We decided to call 911. The paramedics, a team of four, arrived in less than two minutes. I put our dog Iko in the den with the door closed, and the paramedics interviewed Katja — what had happened, where the pain was, her medical conditions, allergies, etc. They were very professional and competent. The University of Cincinnati Medical Center is near us and is the city’s largest hospital, but we’d had to wait over four hours last time so I suggested Good Samaritan instead. Katja, though, opted for UC because of its extensive facilities. The paramedics wrapped her in a blanket-like stretcher and carried her down the stairs from our second floor and out to the ambulance. I took Iko for his walk and drove over to Emergency an hour later. 

Contrary to our last experience, UC Emergency was relatively uncrowded, and Katja had already had X-rays by the time I arrived. The doctor said the X-rays did not show a broken bone, but that X-rays weren’t able to detect soft tissue injuries — muscles, ligaments, etc. He also wasn’t convinced that there wasn’t a fracture and had ordered a CT scan to further explore that possibility. Katja wasn’t able to bear any weight at all on her left leg. Her pain was still terrible. Because she couldn’t stand up, the doctor said she would need to stay in the hospital at least overnight. We were both relieved. 

One night in the hospital soon turned into five nights. The CT scan had detected a fracture in her left knee area. The medical team decided against surgery in favor of letting it heal naturally. A physical therapist worked with her each day. On day one Katja couldn’t move her left leg at all without experiencing unbearable pain. On day two she could raise it one inch (pain at level 9 of 10). Day three, two inches. Day four, several inches, less pain. On day five she walked down the hospital corridor and up and down five practice stairs. The hospital had been negotiating with our insurance for a two-week stay in a rehab facility, but Katja had improved enough that they canceled that. They still weren’t ready for discharge because Katja’s blood pressure was up and down, and they judged that to be the likely cause of her fall.  

The morning of day six Katja called to say she was being discharged. I drove over and waited in the Patient Discharge area till a nurse brought her down in a wheelchair. A significant moment. We drove home, and Katja was able to use her walker to get up the patio stairs and into the house. Iko was out of his mind to see his mom. Katja was feeling improved enough that she thought she might be able to go to the opera at Music Hall on Saturday evening, but that didn’t sound like a realistic possibility to me. We cancelled our plans for a trip for a summer vacation trip which we’d scheduled for the end of the week.  

Katja has been home for a week at the time I’m writing this. We’re both happy about this, but it’s had its ups and downs. Being a caretaker is a pain in the neck, as is being dependent on one’s spouse for just about everything. We’re used to each separately doing our own thing through the course of the day, but Katja is not very mobile and needs help with all sorts of physical tasks. She’s still in a lot of pain and spends a lot of time in bed, though she did cook scrambled eggs and bacon the other day and likes to get up to feed the dog. 

 I find myself very aware that we are at an age where we can be more subject to physical perils. We both worry about Katja’s injury. I find myself drinking more water (since the doctor said Katja was dehydrated) and gripping the handrail more firmly when I go up or down the stairs. The doctor said that Katja’s recovery will take about six weeks. We’re up to it, and it will probably go by fairly quickly. On the bright side, we’re lucky since the accident and injury could have been even worse. 

Love, 

Dave