Best Cincinnati News Stories of 2019

Dear George,

Having grown up in a town of 10,000, I always find the news in our Cincinnati metro area astonishing.  If you have 200 times as many people, you have 200 times as many bizarre happenings.  Here are some of the Greater Cincinnati news stories that caught my eye in 2019.

Love,

Dave

School Pleasures

41-year-old Lacy Elberton, a substitute teacher at a local Middle School, was arrested after he was seen masturbating behind his desk in a classroom while students were present.   According to the police, the children were not directly exposed to nudity.  Lacy’s father explained that he has never had a problem of this sort before.  (cincinnati.com, 1-8-19)

Cable bill even larger than ours 

The FBI arrested Rixel Jarma because he had accumulated $928,318.79 in Time Warner cable TV bills for his various properties.  Jarma signed up for 68 different cable accounts using fake names, but didn’t bother to pay any of them.  (cincinnati.com, 1-28-19)

Dildo Bombs

Tristar medical company is suing “Dildos by mail” for sending a package to one of their suburban offices which exploded into phallus-shaped confetti.  The Dildo company claims this was a joke, but the medical practice says it caused acute emotional distress to numerous employees.  (fox19,com, 3-25-19) 

Ferris wheel thrills

30-year-old Mitchell Matthiasen and 31-year-old Laura Willdry were arrested after reportedly having sexual intercourse in front of children at the 150-foot SkyView ferris wheel at Cincinnati’s downtown riverfront park.  Court documents indicated that both were intoxicated.   (cincinnati.com, 3-29-19)

LGBTQ Not Welcome

A student at an all-girls Catholic school in suburban Blue Hills wrote an article for the student newspaper containing a series of short reviews of LGBTQ books, most of which were in the student library.  School officials removed all available copies of the newspaper, reportedly claiming that the article was “overtly sexual” and included a line that said “friends and lovers”.  Over 1,000 alumni signed a petition supporting the student newspaper.  (cincinnati.com, 4-5-19)

Atheists come to town 

The national convention of the American Atheist Association is scheduled for downtown Cincinnati on April 19-21.  The Atheists like to visit fun cities were it’s assumed that most of the population is religious, seeking to draw out local atheists who ordinarily remain hidden in the closet.  (citybeat.com, 4-15-19)

Over-kill 

The local Police Department sent 50 officers to Dayton to help keep the peace at a KKK rally.  Nine KKK members showed up for the rally, along with 5-600 protesters and 350 police officers.  Covering the event cost the city $650,000.  (cincinnati.com, 5-30-19)

Bait and Switch

The Ohio Supreme Court disbarred suburban lawyer Roger X. Mobley after learning that he stole three bottles of wine by replacing the bar codes before checking out at the cash register.  (cincinnati.com, 6-1-19) 

Iguana Assault

49-year-old Arnie Treeter was arrested after he pulled an iguana from under his shirt and threw it at the manager of the Perkins Restaurant in Payneville.  Authorities did not say what provoked the attack.  The iguana suffered a fractured leg but did not require surgery.  (cincinnati.com, 6-18-19)  

Modern Romance

Bridey Johnston, finance director of a local Convention and Visitors Bureau,  sent Kent Trasherby, a New York City businessman, $1.25 million in public money.  Though she had never met Kent in person, she believed herself to be in a romantic relationship with him.  Before embezzling public funds, she sent her own money first, and authorities believe Johnson sent a total of $4 million to seven different parties, never seeing a cent for herself.  (cincinnati.com, 7-25-19) 

A house full of poodles 

When authorities were notified that over 25 dogs were living in a Warner County home, they were surprised to find 111 dogs, nearly all poodles or poodle-mixes.  The dogs lived with a female hoarder and were apparently fed regularly, though all of them pooped in the house.  The owner did give each one its own name.  Now the poodles are in the hands of the Humane Association and will be put up for adoption.  (wlwt.com, 9-25-19) 

Flashy Interstate billboard

Two young white men with faces obscured by glasses and hoodies broke into a shed housing the computer for a digital billboard on I-75 and displayed a pornographic video on the billboard.  The video played about 20 minutes.  No traffic crashes resulted despite “a huge distraction to drivers.”  The culprits are on the lam.  (cincinnati.com, 10-3-19) 

The Red Underwear Bandit

Cincinnati residents returned home to find a man sleeping in their bed wearing only red underwear briefs.  Wilbert B. Schutzinger, 23, was arrested for trespassing.  Authorities haven’t determined if he was wearing more clothing when he broke in through a window.  (fox19.com, 10-7-19) 

Toddlers on the loose 

A motorist driving on busy Harrison Avenue stopped when she saw three two-year-olds by themselves at the edge of the road.  One boy pointed to the woods across the road and said that’s where they were going.  Unnoticed by workers, the children had left their nearby daycare center.  The center reported that it was going to buy a new bell.  (thestate.com, 10-17-19) 

Toilet shocks

Davis Warder, 40, was being tried on charges of promoting prostitution, possession of drugs, and unlawful conduct with a minor.  While awaiting his trial he used the court’s facilities and dropped his stun belt into the toilet water.  Drying it off, the stun belt zapped him with a series of shocks.  The judge declared a mistrial and rescheduled Warder’s case.  (cincinnati.com, 10-24-19) 

Spicy judge

Northern Kentucky judge Dora Gentilly is under investigation for complaints that she has demanded sex and money in exchange for preferential treatment from the bench.  Local attorney Katherine Schlutz resigned after Judge Gentilly flirted with her via Snapchat, pressured her to seduce Gentilly’s husband, and asked Schlutz to join her in group sex with a former church pastor.  Judge Gentilly declined comment.  (cincinnati.com, 12-3-19)

Lemonade Stand Success

Three Wettner daughters and three Zilby sons set up a lemonade stand in their wealthy Indian Grove neighborhood, selling $148 worth at $1 a cup in about 45 minutes.  One of the Wettner girls had had a liver transplant at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital in 2015, and the children decided to donate their profits to the hospital.  Mrs. Wettner put photos of the lemonade stand on Instagram, and the post went viral.  In just over a week they raised $206,000 in donations for Children’s Hospital, undoubtedly the most successful lemonade stand of all times.  (cincinnatimagazine.com, 12-6-19)

Coney Addict

A year ago Patrick Capelli, age 25, saw a headline that said a man ate 400 Skyline Chili Coney dogs and is still alive.  This inspired Patrick to set a goal of eating 1,000 coneys in 2019.  A cheese coney at Skyline consists of a hot dog, steamed bun, chili sauce, mustard, diced onions, and a mound of shredded cheddar cheese.  About 350 calories.   Patrick will reach his goal on Dec. 15, having spent $2,300 at Skyline.  He reports, “I wanted to put to rest the idea that you could die from eating coneys.”  (cincinnati.com, 12-13-19)   

911 Calls

Daniel Poxner, 32, of Evanston has called 911 over 90 times this year.  However, each time that police have arrived, he has refused to open his door.  On Tuesday morning neighbors reported that he was screaming and banging things against the walls.  When police arrived, Poxner started a fire on his stove, causing smoke alarms to go off through the building.  The fire department arrived and Poxner was arrested.  He appeared to be intoxicated.  (cincinnati.com, 12-20-19) 

Messy drill

New Richland Middle School held an active shooter drill on Tuesday during the lunch period.  Student tried to flee the cafeteria but didn’t know what to do or where to go “which resulted in a chaotic few moments.”  Several students were knocked to the ground, sustaining bumps and bruises.  One girl got a cut on her forehead, and EMTs treated two students for injuries.  The principal announced, “It is obvious the we need to develop an effective evacuation plan for the number of students in our cafeteria.”  (cincinnati.com, 12-20-19)

Cincy makes the Rudest Cities List

Business Insider did an online survey of 2,092 adults, asking them to name the five rudest cities from a list of the 50 largest metro areas in the county.  Cincinnati came in at number 24, not as rude as New York (1), Chicago (4), Philadelphia (9), San Francisco (20), or Sacramento (21), but ruder than Seattle (28), Nashville (33), New Orleans (35), Louisville (37), and Milwaukee (49).   (businessinsider.com, 12-31-19) 

Best Hangover Cure

USA Today provided a list of the nation’s 10 best regional foods for hangover cures including New York’s “Garbage Plate”, Louisville’s hot brown, and West Virginia’s pepperoni rolls.  The number one hangover cure in the nation was Cincinnati chili with its spaghetti, brown chili sauce and shredded cheddar.  According to the authors, “this local dish combines carbs, protein and grease to create the perfect antidote to hangovers.”  (fox19.com, 12-31-19)

*Pseudonyms are used throughout.  

Lamar's and My Worst Night of the New Year

Dear George, 

Katja had been looking forward for months to Renee Fleming’s farewell tour performance at the symphony.  I was more conflicted since the concert occurred at the same time as the NFL playoff game between the Baltimore Ravens and the Tennessee Titans.  Most experts had picked the Ravens to win the Super Bowl and Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson to be named the league’s Most Valuable Player.  I’m not ordinarily a Baltimore fan but I joined the bandwagon this season.

The Symphony actually phoned us on Thursday, but Katja wasn’t at home and I didn’t bother to pick up.  It rained all day Saturday, and I suggested that we leave for Music Hall at 7:10 to give us plenty of time for an 8 o’clock start time.  As we walked out the door Katja asked if I had the tickets.  “No,” I said, “you have the tickets.”  “No,” she replied, “I left them right here on the counter for you.”  “I never saw them,” I said.  “I’m sure of that.”  We argued back and forth for a while.  Then it dawned on me that I’d sorted the mail on the counter, tossing most of it into the recycling bin.  I rummaged around and there at the bottom were our tickets.  Whew!

I dropped Katja at the front entrance of Music Hall and circled around to the parking garage on Central Parkway.  I gave the attendant $10 but I couldn’t understand her instructions when she gave me my ticket.  She repeated herself, but I still didn’t get it.  Finally she took the ticket back from me and held the bar code up to the scanner so that the gate opened.  I was surprised that the garage was so filled since I’d gotten there quite early, and I drove up to the top deck.  As I walked away from the car, I noticed that my front parking lights were still on.  I figured that they would go off in a second or two so I kept walking.  But they didn’t go off.  Finally I turned around and went back, wondering if I had failed to push some light switch on the dash.  We’ve only had the car for six months, and it’s still a bit mysterious.  When I sat down in the driver’s seat, I noticed that the keyless ignition button was glowing red.  The car, virtually silent, was still running.  Oh, no, not this again.  I turned the engine off, the parking lights went out, and I set off through the drizzle.  

Much to my bewilderment, the main front doors of Music Hall were locked, and nobody appeared to be in the lobby.  Were we there on the wrong night?  Fortunately a side door was open.  I had trouble getting my wet umbrella into a plastic umbrella bag, and a helpful usher held it open for me.  I put my car keys and coin purse in the basket and walked through the metal detector, but a buzzer went off and a security guy hurried over.  I stepped back, added my forgotten cell phone to the basket, and successfully passed inspection.  I showed my ticket to another usher, and she politely explained that the concert had begun at 7 p.m.  It was now 7:40.  “You aren’t the only one,” she said sympathetically, and she directed me to the Founder’s Room which was broadcasting the concert in real time.  The room was packed with latecomers.  “This is the waiting room for idiots,” I thought to myself as I found a seat in the rear.

After ten minutes the orchestra took a break while they removed a piano from the stage, and we latecomers were all encouraged to hurry to our seats.  An usher pointed Katja and myself to row M, but when we got there strange people sitting in our seats.  The concert was about to resume at any minute.  I rushed back to the usher to explain the problem.  She seemed taken aback, but she did straighten out the mix-up.

The gentleman sitting next to me was mildly amused by our late arrival.  He explained that the concert was an hour earlier than normal because many people had bought tickets for a special dinner at Music Hall after the concert.  Renee Fleming was wonderful.  The voice of an angel.  We were sad that we had missed much of her performance, and the concert seemed to very quickly.  We got up to leave, and, as we filed out of our row, I felt a tap on my shoulder.  The gentleman who’d been sitting next to me smiled and handed me my umbrella in its plastic bag.

The only redeeming note was that we would get home in time for the fourth quarter of the Ravens game.  It would probably be a blowout by the Ravens by that time, but a big victory would lift my spirits.  When we got home, much to my shock, the Ravens were losing, 28 to 6.  The final score was 28-12.  The Ravens had been overwhelming favorites, but Lamar Jackson had had his worst outing of the season.  Two interceptions, one fumble, and a quarterback passer rating of 63.2 (vs. 113 for the regular season).  A catastrophe for Baltimore fans but a fitting climax to our Saturday night.  

The way I’ve come to think of Lamar’s and my evening is that life isn’t perfect.  Most days include a blunder or two.   Occasionally, though, a whole slew of them arrive together, and that’s what happened to Lamar and me.  While I worried at the time that I was losing my mind, it’s really just a matter of probabilities.   Lamar actually had fewer blunders than I did, but they were a lot more consequential.   He took responsibility for his team’s  painful loss.  Then he added, ““I don’t really worry about what people say…We can only get better.  It’s only up from here.”  I think I will  make that my philosophy too. 

Love,

Dave 

2020: A Mystery Year

Dear George, 

So far 2020 is a bit of a bust.  I made a slew of New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve already broken every one of them.  I drank too much scotch on Saturday night and promptly fell asleep in front of the TV.  I didn’t lose any weight, probably gained a pound.  Most days I overslept, sometimes till almost noon.  I haven’t written a single poem, read a book chapter, or gone to the gym.  And I haven’t yet come close to my daily goals of eight glasses of water and 10,000 Fitbit steps.  It’s true that most of 2020 is still to come, but this is definitely a discouraging start.  

New Year’s resolutions, of course, are a pain in the derriere.  They involve giving up things that you enjoy and replacing them with things that require self-denial and deprivation.  I would never make a resolution to eat more ice cream or watch more YouTube videos.  These come easily and don’t require moralistic prodding.  But gym workouts and losing weight are effortful and intrinsically unpleasant.  I think New Year’s resolutions are excellent for twenty-somethings, but those in their 70s or 80s should devote themselves to leisure and life pleasantries.  

2020 isn’t a monolithic event.  Like all the years before, it will differ for every person.  Our grandchildren will turn twelve during the year, and their 2020 highlights will include video games, Mardi Gras parades, summer camp, piano lessons, and school plays.  My 2020, in contrast, will feature chamber music concerts, bouts of depression from reading New York Times stories, ingesting seven pills before breakfast, and keeping an eye on the stock market.  I will share more 2020 experiences with Katja than with anyone else.  However, when I looked at my January diary so far I found that there were 12 things that we did together and 18 things that I or she did alone.  So, despite a lot of couple sharedness, it’s likely that 2020 will be about 60% different for the two of us.

The meaning of the New Year also varies a lot by age.  One disturbing but indisputable fact is that the arrival of each new year means one year closer to the end of it all.  This is barely worrisome at age eleven, but it takes on more significance by age eighty.  About then each remaining year becomes more precious.  My recent mind-set has been to do at least one significant or exciting event per day.  (These aren’t necessarily brimming with excitement.  Going to the Clifton Cultural Arts Center or taking a hike at Mt. Airy Forest qualify).  In any case, it’s my aim to make 2020 more exciting than 2019. 

The presidential election is the biggest event on 2020’s schedule.  63 million people voted for Trump in 2016, and most of them are thrilled with the prospect of his re-election.  It’s puzzling to me that I don’t personally know even a single one of these people (or at least I’m not aware that I do), but that may be due to many of them residing in places like Wyoming, Montana, and West Virginia.  Much to my shock and dismay, my home territory of Upper Peninsula Michigan is dominated by Trumpites, a radical shift from the Democratic populism of my youth.  I am patiently waiting for Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown to enter the race since he is the one Democrat who is certain to trounce Trump.  However, he continues to keep a low profile.  

There are many things I’m sure we will enjoy in 2020 because we enjoy them every year, e.g., the Super Bowl, the Academy Awards, Masterpiece Theater, the tennis Grand Slams, rooting for UC and the Bengals, eating at the Gaslight Bar & Grill, the Cincinnati Opera season.  The Tokyo Summer Olympics will be a special treat this year.  Pinterest has analyzed searches by its 320 million users and has identified a number of emerging trends for 2020, e.g., ocean trash art (from pollution), androgynous wedding attire, gender-neutral names, thrift store crafts, lyang lyang oil, and granny pods (i.e., backyard cottages).  The most popular names for baby girls in 2020 are expected to be Adah, Reese, Mika, Paisley, Amina, Teagan, Nova, Aura, Pearl, and Billie. 

For the most part 2020 is still an unknown.  It could be wonderful, it could be a disaster.  Based on recent years, I expect it to be about 40% pleasant, 35% boring, 15% fun, 8% nerve-wracking, and 2% horrible.  A lot of this, of course, isn’t under one’s personal control, e.g., politics, the economy, aspects of health and illness.   However, within limits, one’s own choices strongly affect one’s outcomes.  I hope that we choose wisely and with a sense of adventure (and that my first under-achieving week is not the final story). 

Love,

Dave 

2019 Moments

Dear George, 

I planned to write a Christmas letter so I went to my daily diary and made notes on various happenings of major or minor significance.  I seem to have gotten lazy, so, rather than composing a real letter, I decided to just type out some of the listings.  A lot more happened in 2019, of course, but these items capture the flavor of our lives (a pretty good year).

Love,

Dave

SELECTED 2019 DIARY ENTRIES: 

1/5: Pianist Kiril Gerstein was the soloist at the symphony.  

1/7: My blood sugar was 99 today, the first time in the normal range for months. 

1/16: We went to the photography exhibition by Eugene Atget and Berenice Abbott at the Taft Museum.  

1/26: When Katja called me on my cell phone, I told her I was in suburban Finneytown, but actually I was upstairs.  

1/26:  At the doctor’s office the nurse asked Katja if I was her father.  

1/31: We were sad to watch the final Netflix episode of Riverdale, our nightly fix.  

2/3: The New England Patriots defeated the Los Angeles Rams 13-3 in the lowest scoring Super Bowl ever. 

2/15: We toured the new Holocaust Center at Union Terminal with an OLLI class.

2/27: Our “Standing Up to Contemporary Poetry” teacher revealed that he had bladder cancer, much to everyone’s sorrow.   

3/4: Katja had successful hand surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome and her trigger finger.  

3/4: We went to an inspiring poetry reading by Mary Ruefle at UC. 

3/11: I tripped at the liquor store parking lot and, protecting the booze I was carrying in my arms, landed flat on my nose on the edge of the curb.  

3/13: I skipped my gym workout and my zumba class because of my banged-up bloody face.  

3/18:  Much to my annoyance, the insurance company said we had to have the oak tree trimmed over our front porch.  

3/23: The Art Museum’s “Paris in 1900” exhibition was wonderful.  

4/1: I went to my first meeting of my new Underground Writers group.  

4/8: Tiger Woods won the Masters.  

4/10: We were happy to visit Fiona at the zoo, all 1000 lbs. of her. 

4/20: On our New York City vacation at Ami and Bruce’s Katja attended the afternoon and evening performances of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child ($200 per session) while I people-watched in Times Square.  

5/6: Donna, visiting from Nashville, stayed with us and attended the closing on her Covedale house. 

5/6: Star Motors paid us $500 for our Trailblazer SUV which Katja had bought for $38K in 2003 to transport our sheepdogs here and there.   

6/3: James Holzhauer’s Jeopardy winning streak came to an end after 32 consecutive victories and $2,462,216 in prize money.  

6/8: Visiting NOLA, I went with J, V, and L on an excursion to the Mississippi gulf coast, visited the Walter Anderson Museum in Ocean Springs, and swam in the gulf with little fish jumping all around us.  

6/24: My Advanced Poetry instructor encouraged me to try to be more poetic . 

7/14: Novak Djokovic defeated Roger Federer 7-6, 1-6, 7-6, 2-6, 13-12 in 4 hours and 57 minutes in the Wimbledon Finals.

7/15:  I had laser surgery to remove a film from my right eye.   

7/20: We were 20 minutes late to the Cincinnati Opera production of Porgy and Bess and had to sit in the back row initially, but it was still wonderful.  

7/22:  Our king-sized bed collapsed in the middle of the night but I successfully repaired it with cement blocks in the morning.

7/22:  Despite my opinion that we only needed one car, Katja went ahead and bought a new Honda CR-V.  

7/22:  Katja treated me to a birthday dinner at Seasons 52.  I had wild Alaska salmon (yum).  

7/25: We rode the Skyglide at the Ohio State Fair, then walked at least a mile, searching (successfully) for the Bloomin’ Onion booth.  

8/5: Visiting from NOLA, our son J and grandkids V and L took me along to go swimming at the immense Sunlite Pool at Coney Island.  

8/5:  Our granddaughter V rode on the most terrifying ride of all times at the Boone County Fair while the rest of us watched.   

8/12: Katja and I attended the funeral of her CABVI supervisor, colleague, and friend Kathy Roberts. 

8/12: Thanks to gifted tickets from Paula and Frank, we enjoyed watching Simona Halep and Stefanos Tsitsipas at the W&S Open Tennis Tournament in Mason.   

8/19: I accidentally call-blocked the phone numbers for Katja’s cell and her friend Eleanor’s landline.  

8/26: Katja and I enjoyed our 59th wedding anniversary at Jean-Robert’s Table. 

9/2: I went to the Brookville flea market in rural Indiana with Phyllis, saw lots of red “Keep America Great” hats, and bought a Sudoku book for $1.  

9/2:  We enjoyed a joint anniversary dinner outing with the Minkarah’s at Orchids.  

9/16: I went camping at Miami Whitewater Forest, got nervous when no one else was in the vicinity (except possible serial killers).  

10/13: I was surprised to discover in the Linton Chamber Music program that Katja and I are now patrons, having donated some unstated amount between $1500 and $4999.  

10/14: Jennifer and Brian’s dog Baxter, who was staying with us, escaped through the back door, and Katja had to chase him down the block despite her lower back pains.  

10/21: We thought that CCM’s production of 42nd Street was the best ever. 

10/24: I wore a black T-shirt to my Poetry Workshop so I could more dramatically read my newly written poem, “Black T’s”.  

11/7: Katja had shoulder replacement surgery which was complicated when the anesthesia damaged her right lung function and resulted in rehospitalization.   J had come up for the surgery and was a great help.  

11/21:  We reluctantly canceled our airline tickets to New Orleans for Thanksgiving because of Katja’s lung difficulties..  

12/2: I went with Katja to see the Met Opera cinema broadcast of Akhnaten at the Oakley Cinemax, enjoyed it.

12/9: Katja and I celebrated her birthday at Orchids at Palm Court (Katja, lamb; me, monkfish).  

12/13: The endocrinologist told Katja there was no sign of a recurrence of thyroid cancer.  

12/16:  Having relied on Donna’s hair styling for a long time, I got my first haircut at a barber shop in 15 years at SuperCuts ($10). 

12/17: My line dancing instructor posted a video of our class on Facebook, and I was the only one going in the wrong direction.  

12/18: The cardiologist said my heart was doing fine but that I’d put on a few pounds.  

12/18:  We watched off and on as the House of Representatives impeached Trump.  

12/22:  We went to “Treasures of the Spanish World” at the Art Museum for the third time. 

12/25: We had Xmas dinner with the Minkarah family at the Dupree House.  

12/29: The Bengals got their second win of the year, defeating Cleveland, 33-23.  A happy ending despite tying for the worst year in franchise history (2-14).  We will cheer for the Packers and the Saints in the playoffs.

Tis the Season...

Dear George, 

Christmas brings back lots of memories.  Here are some photos that my dad took to commemorate the occasion during our growing up years in the 1940’s and 50’s.    

Here are my siblings, Peter, Vicki, and Steven on the living room window seat at river house.  Steven is very happy with his fine new cowboy outfit, Vicki’s in good spirits, and Peter is absorbed with a Christmas toy.  

We loved getting toys from Santa — here an Action Target Game — and new playthings kept us absorbed for weeks and months on end.  

A model train was about as magnificent as one could imagine.  Engineers are Steve, myself, and Peter (looking bewitched).  

Christmas was the main annual occasion for our extended family get-together with my cousins, aunts, and uncles.  This photo is from about 1958.  The back row from the left: Steven, myself, Vicki, my cousin Thor, my Uncle Kent, and Peter.  In the front my cousins Kurt and Stewart in vests (I’m not sure which is which), my cousin Ann, my cousin John at the far right.  Great excitement for the kids.

Here is another pic of cousins: Thor, Johnny, Peter. myself as Santa holding Ann, Steven, Vicki, and one of our Irish Setters, probably Micky.   

A festive occasion for the adults too.  Twin brothers Karl (at the left) and Kent, Aunt Millie (Kent’s wife), and their son Thor.  Karl was a bachelor, and he showered family members with grand presents.  Fancy gowns for the women one year and an atomic energy kit for me. 

My parents had a wonderful friendship group, and there were lots of house-to-house visits during the holiday season.  These are the O’Hara’s in our front yard: Michael, Jean, Kiera, Terry, Michael Dennis, and, covering his eyes, Patrick Sean.

We also visited lots of friends.  The Caleys at Northwood Cove had a wonderful igloo which we were never able to duplicate at our house.  Steve and Tom Caley are on the roof; I’m on the ground.

Our house on the river was a grand place to celebrate the holiday season.

Love,

Dave 

Three Poems From Childhood

Dear George,

I’ve been busy this autumn quarter with my OLLI writing courses, “Poetry Writing Workshop” and “Advanced Poetry Writing”.  This helps to keep blood flowing in my brain.  Childhood experiences are one topic I regularly draw upon.  Here are a few that stood out to me.

Love,

Dave

A Boy’s Dream  

Every Sunday my Grandpa Guy

gave me a new tin soldier

Heroes of heroes, strong and brave

with their rifles, bazookas, Tommy guns, swords

Only five, I soon commanded a mighty army

a force capable of defeating the Nazis

We fought fierce battles for hours on end 

Then one day my parents

took me to a restaurant 

where the owners had on display

an incredible machine

enclosed in a glass case 

Hundreds of inter-connected parts

moving together up and down

back and forth 

whirling about in circles

I watched as if hypnotized 

and daydreamed about it for weeks afterward 

If only I could find the right metal pieces

I could surely build a machine like that

Everywhere I went 

I watched for scraps of metal 

Then the idea came to me 

My tin soldiers

All those heads, arms, legs

So many little metal pieces

I could break them off

fit them together

and use them to build my machine

The hardest decision I’d ever faced

I did love my tin soldiers

But I loved that machine more than anything 

Alone by myself in Grandpa’s living room

I threw the tin soldiers as hard as I could

against the flowered wallpaper

but they were too solid to break

So I got Grandpa’s hammer

and smashed every one of them into pieces 

I spread the parts out on the rug

and began putting them together

These two, no those two

maybe these other ones 

A sudden uneasiness

Then panic  

Then total devastation

None of the pieces fit together 

Not a single pair

My world came crashing down

What was I thinking? 

What had I done?  

The pile of broken limbs and torsos lay before me

I tried putting the soldiers back together

but that didn’t work either 

I cried for hours

Fifty years later I told my dad

about my idea of building a machine 

He was incredulous

“We thought you hated your grandfather”

No, that’s not right

I loved my grandfather

I just had a wrong idea

* * *

Stuff We Learned As Boys 

I did my childhood in the 1940s

World War Two and its aftermath 

My dad left our family for the Navy 

But I still learned a lot about being a man

The major lesson

Men either kill or get killed 

We observed this, of course, in the Movietone News 

Ships sinking, planes on fire, corpses in a trench 

But also at the Saturday matinee

Swordsmen, gangsters, pirates 

G-men, Apaches, pygmies with poison darts   

We children spent our leisure hours playing military games 

Or cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians

I owned a six-shooter, a luger, a .45, a rifle with a bayonet

A hunting knife, a jackknife, a Bowie knife, a machete

Loads of cap pistols, water pistols, a machine gun that shot ping pong balls 

Not to mention my bow and arrows

When we weren’t busy shooting at each other

We played contact sports

Basketball, football, boxing, wrestling

Determining who could triumph over whom

Who were winners, who were losers

Men, we concluded, don’t show emotion

Tough guys dish out pain and can take it

Being weak is the worst sin of all

Looking back, this was not ideal preparation 

for marriage, family, parenthood, friendship

Perhaps it was useful for pro football or the army

* * *

The Time That God Nearly Passed the Test

My family wasn’t very churchy

so I depended on my childhood chums

for my religious upbringing

Mostly Catholic 

they taught me about the saints

the ten commandments

errant priests and altar boys

rituals of the Mass 

and, of course, Heaven and Hell

I wound up confused

in doubt of God’s existence

even though my chums told me 

I was wacko 

and in danger of burning for all eternity.

One day

I decided to settle the matter

once and for all 

I shuffled a deck of Bicycle playing cards

closed my eyes

and said aloud

“God, if you exist

prove it to me by 

letting me draw

the six of clubs.”  

I held my breath

pulled a card at random from the deck 

turned it over slowly

and stared at……..

The Six of Clubs!

Probably the heavens thundered

blazing lights, the sound of trumpets.

I broke into a sweat.

Disoriented

barely able to breathe. 

After an hour of stupefaction

I picked up the deck of cards again. 

“God,” I said, “I have to give

you one more test.

Just to be sure. 

If you let me draw the nine of hearts

I will absolutely believe in you forever.   

I promise.”

Then I drew the card

held my breath

turned it over anxiously

and…..it was not the nine of hearts.  

“That’s it,” I said to myself.  

“Nobody there.” 

But later I reconsidered. 

Perhaps He was insulted

and felt it beneath Him 

to continue going along with a 

thirteen-year-old boy’s reckless whims.  

“I proved Myself to you 

when you asked Me

and you chose not to believe 

the word of God.

So be it.”  

From time to time 

I still wonder about that.  

Whatever the case, it was certainly 

a peak religious moment

and it did make me think about miracles.